The Golden Hours

As ever year passes and I get older and older I am starting to realize that all the joy in life happens in between those moments you plan for. The filler is the stuff that is really worth anything. You make plans and you work hard and you achieve goals only to have them supplanted by new ones that become more important. Old goals just become stepping stones to others you never knew you even wanted.

I spent the morning working on the car with my dad and the afternoon and evening with Cliff, Jeff, Dustin, and Nick. It wasn't a day that was supposed to be anything special but it was great. For once, I didn't have something I was working to get. I was just there, being impressed by my dad's ability to turn the chaos of scattered brake parts into a solution to my car problems of the last 8 months. I was there with my friends. My real God given friends that laugh at my stupid jokes, help me turn an afternoon into night, and make me feel like a million bucks.

And that's what it is all about. Not my goals, not my achievements, not my chores. It's about that stupid stuff. The older I get, the more of the former I get and more difficult it is to make time for the latter. And that sucks. But it's reality.

I'm only one of the billions of people running around this world. I'm not even one of the "important" ones and likely never will be. That fact is existentially heartbreaking and undermines any ambition no matter how great. Scale is devastating and not flattering when you think about what that means for you and the things you worry about and lust about every day. This isn't a new problem for me. Hell, my "coming to grips" with it inspired that italicized pair of words below Bad Teenage Poetry. Unfortunately, whatever resolution I had is now lost. And for the last couple of years it has begun to consume me. It makes me hate myself and the world I live in. Whatever trick of fate caused me to be stuck inside myself only serves to frustrate me more.

So, here is my new years resolution. Come to peace with myself to the extent that it is possible and start living for those in my life that give it any significance. This is cliche but I don't mean it in the traditional sense. It's not even something I need to do for them but for me before I destroy myself expecting more. This is hard. I'm simultaneously arrogant and self loathing and it is high time I broke from this. I'm no Algernon. It's time I let go of his chains. It's time I broke the cycle. Yet, a piece of me believes this may just be my tragedy. A tragedy of existence unfulfilled. A paradox of blessings and curses. Of unsolicited answers and unasked questions.

Maybe that's all there is.

Quiet obscurity

Hey blog,

I've missed you. Or rather have I missed the free time I had to wax incoherently in you. Simpler times. Things worked out well for me since I last posted. I'm proud of the things I've built for myself over the last couple years. It's hard for me to be thankful when times are tough but I would but much less happy if things didn't work out as smoothly as they did.

Just reading back over my last few entries before I quit, I realize I'm glad for the the times I did post. Nobody understands myself quite as well as myself for obvious reasons and it helps to see some continuity in my life. I keep meaning to get back into writing for the sake of it. It's hard to do when I spend the rest of the day writing for work to work up the desire but not sorting out my thoughts before I go to bed has not been healthy and I've had some trouble sleeping lately. That being said, it'll be good for me to start unloading again. This time maybe it'll be in a little more obscurity than it used to be for better and worse but probably mostly better.

So there it is. I'm getting married in a few days and I'm not sure if there is anything I've been so excited for on such a genuine level. This is my life and day by day it builds upon itself, sometimes without me even noticing.

That is one of my more terrifying thoughts.

Jury Duty

- I'm back in Fort Collins after my Arapahoe County road trip. The census enumerator test went well. I got a 100% on it which heavily bolsters my chances of getting the job in the spring. Jury duty went okay too I guess. There ended up being no cases needing juries today so after two hours after I got to the courthouse everyone was dismissed and I didn't get put on a jury for a trial. This wasn't ideal. I would have preferred to get put on a jury and gotten to miss work the rest of the week but it could have been a lot worse. I didn't have to be there all day and THEN not get put on a jury. If I'm truly honest with myself it's probably for the best that I didn't get selected. With only a month left in my internship and a boss that has been becoming more and more of a ghost, work has gotten a lot less interesting. Missing the rest of the week would have made it real difficult for me to regain my motivation going forward up until Christmas.

- The trip home was much needed. My batteries were drained and my spirits were getting down. It was good to get out of Fort Collins for a little bit. I still love it up here but being out of school, the town has a much smaller hold on me than it used to. I'm growing up and part of that process is letting go bit by bit of everything I refused to before. The trick here is finding the next thing for me to love.

- I'm thankful for my family. I always know I can go to Aurora if I ever just need to get away and recharge. Its nice seeing how we are growing closer together even as we move farther apart. I'm also thankful for Kimbre. We've come a long way in our relationship and we're still learning but it's amazing seeing the ways how we become better friends and closer together everyday.

- And I'm thankful to be alive. Everyday.

Mid November Already

- I thrive on feedback. Its hard to right the course of your life without it. I've decided this is the source of all my frustrations with my job and the backdrop for that nasty feeling that plagues disappointments and causes concerns. If I just hang in there it'll all be alright. In about two months I'll have more feedback from more places than I know what to do with, but until then I've got to keep myself diligent and focused. All that said I think I'm doing alright about it.

- Somethings up with me and I know I have something to say but I just can't figure out what it is. I keep second guessing everything and expecting so much for myself and my future. I even second guess whether or not this is a problem. Since when have I set the bar for myself so unachievabley high? And why have I been doing it? Maybe it'll end up paying off but for now the grey hairs its giving me are just not worth it. Maybe that'll be my project this week. Adjusting my perspective. Starting now.

-I'm feeling good today. :)

Early November and Moving

- One thing after another. Taking punch after punch. I'm still standing though and I'm proud of that. It was nice hearing from my mom about how life was for her and my dad when they were my age. Sometimes that's how life is but look at them now. They've made it. They're balanced, wealthy, grounded, and successful people. But more than anything I see them as wise. They know whats important, what matters, how things work. Everytime I go to them for advice or just to talk I always walk away with things better in perspective than before which is something I used to take for granted.

- So I guess I'm feeling okay. When I look around my room I'm proud because no matter how tough things can be financially, I'm here and I'm on my one and its on my own ticket. My money puts a roof over my head and food in my belly. It won't be enough to last forever, but for now, I'm making it and thats good enough for now.

- Hanging in there.

Poor use of a Friday

- As they say, another day another dollar. I'm ready for this year to be over. I'm drowning in stress on a Friday night with no acceptable outlet. It was a nice thought for me to try and be responsible but I think more than anything I've just overwhelmed myself. I don't know if I can do it. I'm gonna be upset if it all falls through and just like always the cracks are showing. I guess it's all teaching me one of those mean lessons about life. A lot of times, things don't work out like you want things are never ever easy. It sucks being my age in my time. I have no resources, no avenues for escape, and few successes with nothing this society says I need going for me right now. I don't have any money, experience, or a well developed network. In the eyes of the job market, I'm worthless. The only place I feel I have a slight edge is heading toward a PhD but the more I want it, the harder it seems to get to even take myself to a point where they can consider me. I'm not giving up. Not yet, but man, I don't know how many more disappointments I can take.

- Its so daunting. Sometimes I like my chances, sometimes I don't. I dread the consequences of failure much more than I value the fruits of success. That's not healthy and is a terrible way to live a life. I hope things change. I hope they get better. All I can do is keep my nose to the grinder no matter how raw its getting rubbed and at least put the failure in the success of my fate. So that's what I do.

- Well I feel a little bit better. Thanks for sucking up my gloom poor blog reader. Chances are though, you're my age and either in my position or getting there so you can relate. Cheers.