Alex
- I can't believe I'm back here. I was hoping this would be a dark place I'd never have to revisit ever again. This time its one of my best friends.
I'm having a real hard time with this. I don't know why Alex killed himself. I don't know where in his twisted mind he could have distorted whatever situation it was that made him think that it would be a good idea. Its not good enough for me to believe it was guilt over Kelsey or sadness over Mckenna. There had to be something else. Something he keep hidden so deep down inside him that it plowed the rest of us he's leaving behind over like a truck. A curveball from so far out in left field that we didn't even have a time to flinch to lessen some of the blow.
Its hard to see very far beyond this. The obnoxiously casual victims advocate that wouldn't leave me alone last night told me that was one of the symptoms of the shock but I don't see right now how it could be any other way. I don't know whats going to happen next. I can't imagine my life without Alex, without the carefree lighthearted nature he lived his life with, without that linchpin holding together the circus tent of my group of friends. He meant more to me than even I realized and it hurts that he could care so little about us, especially Dustin, to pull the trigger.
Back in 2005 when Linsey killed herself I was able to stay hopeful. To find beauty in it despite the way my soul was twisted and tainted. I can't do that now. This hurts in a deep way that I've never known before. It feels like a horrible nightmare that just isn't ending and the longer it persists the deeper the realizations sink. The hope I had back in 2005 is nowhere in sight. I'm living hour to hour.
But at least I'm living. I'd never give away the gift of this day. I'd never put you through what hes putting me through, what Grandma put my family through, and what Linsey put my floor through freshman year.
I love you. I hope you know that. I wish he knew that.
I'm having a real hard time with this. I don't know why Alex killed himself. I don't know where in his twisted mind he could have distorted whatever situation it was that made him think that it would be a good idea. Its not good enough for me to believe it was guilt over Kelsey or sadness over Mckenna. There had to be something else. Something he keep hidden so deep down inside him that it plowed the rest of us he's leaving behind over like a truck. A curveball from so far out in left field that we didn't even have a time to flinch to lessen some of the blow.
Its hard to see very far beyond this. The obnoxiously casual victims advocate that wouldn't leave me alone last night told me that was one of the symptoms of the shock but I don't see right now how it could be any other way. I don't know whats going to happen next. I can't imagine my life without Alex, without the carefree lighthearted nature he lived his life with, without that linchpin holding together the circus tent of my group of friends. He meant more to me than even I realized and it hurts that he could care so little about us, especially Dustin, to pull the trigger.
Back in 2005 when Linsey killed herself I was able to stay hopeful. To find beauty in it despite the way my soul was twisted and tainted. I can't do that now. This hurts in a deep way that I've never known before. It feels like a horrible nightmare that just isn't ending and the longer it persists the deeper the realizations sink. The hope I had back in 2005 is nowhere in sight. I'm living hour to hour.
But at least I'm living. I'd never give away the gift of this day. I'd never put you through what hes putting me through, what Grandma put my family through, and what Linsey put my floor through freshman year.
I love you. I hope you know that. I wish he knew that.
posted by Jay | 11:00 AM
2 Comments:
Jay, I haven't read your blog in a long time (since the whole incident with Ben finding it) but I've been praying for you and was wondering how you were doing - facebook statuses are not enough for me. Your journaling in this post made me cry. I'm crying right now for you. I am sorry that you're having to go through this and I wish very very much that it was me instead of you. I know you might not want to talk, but know that I am always here for you. You helped me out a great deal in the past, and I want to be here for you now. I love you brother.
Also - I'm not going to go through and read everything you've written since those dark days. I have come to regard this as your private place. I'm just desperate to know how you are doing and I can't exactly call you right now because its 4:08 in the morning. Sorry if you feel like I've invaded your privacy by checking here. I still love you anyway.
Its been a long time since I've read your blog, a really long time. Its been a real long time since you and I have had a proper conversation, since I've made an effort to change that, a really long time.
When Nicole told me about this I was overcome with nausea, especially knowing the history you have, and Jeff too. I'm not really going anywhere with this comment. I guess I just want to let you know that even though we're not really in each other's lives anymore, I still hold your friendship close to me, and I just hope you're doing okay. Ideally, better than okay, but I'll take what I can get.
I heart you so much Jay Hardy.
-Britt
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