Motivation and Me
- I debated for a second or two if I should keep this post private as I have for some or publish it and came to the conclusion it didn't make a difference either way. However, the disclaimer is that its rambly, a dose whiney, and in no way a picture of the whole, just a piece. Just working through it all anyway I can. When times are good I don't have time to post which is really a shame. Anyways...
- Catharsis. I need some. Every week its more of the same. I've changed over these last four months or so, I know it and I see it and I think its a good thing, but its hard justifying what I used to accept without consequence. I think its right but man, instant gratification isn't in high supply with such a lifestyle. Filling my potential drains my nerves and builds up exhaust that I have a lot more trouble getting rid of without just throwing the rest of my focus out the window.
- My life sometimes seems very Skinneristic lately. I'm that rat yanking on that bar convinced if I do it enough times, that little food pellet will drop. When it does I eat it up, but times like now when the work is thick, the weekends are draining, and life feels like a treadmill makes me wish I could just know if its all worth it cause if its all for nothing more than this thin little sense of accomplishment, it'll ruin me.
- I'm glad Britt and I found time the other day between all the demands and school and deadlines and work (or for her, during work) to sit down, eat lunch and just talk and listen, like really listen to each other. We complained and bragged and worried and got excited that even while it seems impossible, we can do it. As different as we are externally, we really have a lot in common, more so now than ever. We seem to be mirrors of each other in our obnoxious pre/post college predicament. It was a fluke that we were able to get together, yet the emotional release was much more helpful than it appeared. I need that. I need the encouragement and I've been looking for it anyway I can. The letters of rec that have been coming in have been a life saver. Concrete examples of how hard work over my life hasn't been forgotten.
- I just wish sometimes that I didn't have to be superman to keep all this up. Academically, professionally, in my extra curriculars, in my research, in my application to the Air Force, all weighed against my sociality and sanity. The balance is hard to find. I can tell when the proportion is off cause the consequences show themselves fast. I just can't do it all sometimes. Sometimes I can't do anything period. It brings me down fast, shows me my inadequacies. There are times where I just flat out fail. I'm not Superman. I'm not even Mighty Mouse. I'm scared to death people will realize just how true that is.
- I'm sad I can't write here like I used to. Ignorance is no longer bliss for me though and facing facts hasn't come cheap. I'm stuck here in September. Both a step forward and a step back show relief but for how fleeting time is it sure does linger on times you wish it wouldn't.
- No catharsis in writing either but at least I tried. I need a vacation from it all. Who doesn't though, right? My pellet will drop. Just gotta keep on pushing.
- Catharsis. I need some. Every week its more of the same. I've changed over these last four months or so, I know it and I see it and I think its a good thing, but its hard justifying what I used to accept without consequence. I think its right but man, instant gratification isn't in high supply with such a lifestyle. Filling my potential drains my nerves and builds up exhaust that I have a lot more trouble getting rid of without just throwing the rest of my focus out the window.
- My life sometimes seems very Skinneristic lately. I'm that rat yanking on that bar convinced if I do it enough times, that little food pellet will drop. When it does I eat it up, but times like now when the work is thick, the weekends are draining, and life feels like a treadmill makes me wish I could just know if its all worth it cause if its all for nothing more than this thin little sense of accomplishment, it'll ruin me.
- I'm glad Britt and I found time the other day between all the demands and school and deadlines and work (or for her, during work) to sit down, eat lunch and just talk and listen, like really listen to each other. We complained and bragged and worried and got excited that even while it seems impossible, we can do it. As different as we are externally, we really have a lot in common, more so now than ever. We seem to be mirrors of each other in our obnoxious pre/post college predicament. It was a fluke that we were able to get together, yet the emotional release was much more helpful than it appeared. I need that. I need the encouragement and I've been looking for it anyway I can. The letters of rec that have been coming in have been a life saver. Concrete examples of how hard work over my life hasn't been forgotten.
- I just wish sometimes that I didn't have to be superman to keep all this up. Academically, professionally, in my extra curriculars, in my research, in my application to the Air Force, all weighed against my sociality and sanity. The balance is hard to find. I can tell when the proportion is off cause the consequences show themselves fast. I just can't do it all sometimes. Sometimes I can't do anything period. It brings me down fast, shows me my inadequacies. There are times where I just flat out fail. I'm not Superman. I'm not even Mighty Mouse. I'm scared to death people will realize just how true that is.
- I'm sad I can't write here like I used to. Ignorance is no longer bliss for me though and facing facts hasn't come cheap. I'm stuck here in September. Both a step forward and a step back show relief but for how fleeting time is it sure does linger on times you wish it wouldn't.
- No catharsis in writing either but at least I tried. I need a vacation from it all. Who doesn't though, right? My pellet will drop. Just gotta keep on pushing.
posted by Jay | 12:19 AM
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