Less Scripted

- One way that I can tell that I'm getting older is that these days I feel like I have no idea whats going on most of the time. The world is a complicated and confusing place and one solid indicator of my youth has always been an almost arrogant attitude that I've got it all figured out. Its getting to the point of chaos where I'm certain about very few things.

- Its taking some getting used to but I'm learning to not be so afraid of this uncertainty. It may not always show but I really am a very guarded individual. There are a lot of walls and checks and balances I put up in fearful cautiousness. They are there to keep an eye on a number of things but mostly its my pride I'm guarding. My lofty self image takes a pretty rough beating when I expose it to things which show me truths I don't want to believe could ever be true. There are times when I represent things I hate. Thats an devastating feeling when you get slapped in the face by the cold hand of reality. Its why traditionally I just learned to lock more and more things away and take fewer and fewer chances.

- So, slowly but surely I'm realizing to accept that I don't have as much say in everything as I'd like. As another sign to myself that life is incredibly multifacitated, this acceptance isn't so much a choice as it something being forced on me that I just can't say no to. Its hard but its really easy at the same time. I don't get it and everyday that goes by I get it a little less.

- But its a good thing. This is the one thing that I'm slowly coming to terms with.