Little Brown Box

- I learned a lot about myself today. I was enjoying a half nap half "just lay there and enjoy the afternoon sleep" in my bed with the door open, light flooding the room, and Blue by Bob Schnieder and Mitch Watkins playing in the background when I saw a brown box that I've used to hold old letters, pictures and poems and stuff.

- I've toyed with the thought of throwing this box away or at least sorting through it to get it down to a smaller size that wouldn't take so much space. But when I finally dug into, I was overwhelmed with a number of emotions. I felt like I was traveling back in time and placing myself in the shoes of myself at my biggest moments of growing up. I'm glad I documented it so incredibly for myself and when I was done sorting the box actually was fuller than when I started.

- One surprise I found was a book of poetry I wrote. I'm not sure exactly how old it was but I'm guessing they were from about 2 years ago. I was blown away by this little black book. Don't get me wrong, I'm not bragging about my ability as a poet. Believe me I've written some bad poetry in my life, some of it much more recent than these poems. I'm telling you, really bad. But as flipped through the 20 or so poems and songs they shocked me, half cause I couldn't remember writing them and half because they were absorbing every bit of my focus and feeling while I was reading them. Some were really graphic, some rhymed, some didn't. Some were about specific people in my history and captured my emotions toward them perfectly and some, like the one I copied below weren't about anybody I could think of but I still enjoyed nonetheless. Your guess is as good as mine toward the meaning and I wrote it, but I really like it.

Choose
In a world of greed and pride and hate
She stands alone at heavens gate
Sinful shackles at her feet
The other ends ignite with heat
But whole are they on this girl's waste
No freedom soon will this one taste
But her grip is good; determination fierce
Up through his soul these chains do pierce
With guilt and greed and grace ran they
And keep him in the fiery fray
But struggles he with all his might
Hard he goes, up to the light
In purest white does she stand
And offers him forgiving hands
They're his if only he will reach
And walk with her down the beach
Two combine in Godly love
Despite the world they rose above
To live in honest freedom's bliss
Above a world of emptiness
So much to gain, so much to lose
Now its time for him to choose

- Naturally the nostalgia I felt as I went through the box was strong, but one emotion I didn't expect was an overwhelming feeling of joy. Instead of the normal feeling of regret, loss, and sadness the box usually has created for me in the past, I found myself realizing something I don't think I've fully grasped.

- Despite its simplicity I've lived an incredible life. In my short 21 years I've done things some people never get the chance to, been loved deeply, made an impact on a handful of people profoundly, and fulfilled a few life goals without even realizing it. I may get down on things from time to time as the world overwhelms me, but I'm glad for everything that has turned me into me. Everything. Even the things that I've wished I could change.

- I think I understand myself more, even if its just a little bit.

- I get to see Kimbre tomorrow for the first time since New Years. I'm really excited about that. I know it’s only been a week or so and I've gotten to at least talk to her most of the days but I miss her anyway.

- I've got some good people in my life. I've lost a few good people too. It’s all for a reason. Chances are you fit in one of those to categories. I appreciate you.