One Second Please
I hate what this blog becomes for me sometimes. It acts as an emotional vomit bucket but right now it's just all I've got. Sometimes I just need it out of my system.
- But I mean come on, this is killing me. The joy I had seems all but gone recently replaced by an endless existential crisis, long nights of light and splotchy sleep, new overwhelming worries, miles of red tape, and no light being kind enough to shine out to me at the end of this stupid tunnel. I hate it. It's hard maintaining hopes of improvement when there just seems like there's nothing to look forward to.
- Every time I close my eyes I have a horrible whooshing sensation of my life flashing before my eyes. I feel like there's a sensory overload sparking off in my head and the whole operation is short circuiting. People I haven't spoken to in years rush into my memory out of nowhere. At night when I dream it’s like a random trip back in time causing me to shake my head and wonder "where did that come from" when I wake up only to drift off again somewhere else. I revisit times and places stored deep in my mind and experience myself in contexts I can barely recognize. It's like I'm a completely different person. In some respects I guess I am. The feeling is nauseating. It's deafening and relentless and wearing me out.
- I'm having a rough time tonight and it isn't being helped by this isolation. I normally do a better job of avoiding it but tonight I wasn't able to. I'll just deal. I've had harder nights than this and I almost feel that before anything will get better I've got to confront the reality of things.
- I remember a conversation I had with Kristen, I can't remember how long ago, when she said something that's stuck with me ever since. It was something along the lines of the two of us being people prone to existential nightmares, moodiness, and introspective gluttony. She observed that this trait had the tendency to pull us down and needed an extra dose of determination and purpose to properly overcome and function in a society unforgiving of such inclinations. It was an uncharacteristically frank statement but at the same time one of the most internally controversial ones I can remember that wanders among my inner dialog.
- I can't really argue with the premise. This blog is often evidence of such, but it’s always been something I've done a good job of not properly confronting. My mind can do incredible back flips and cartwheels to convince myself that I'm not actually functioning in a way incompatible with how I believe I should but perhaps it’s high time I suck it up and deal with it. My natural instincts are and always have been to quit, to whine, then to rationalize. Well, it’s got to stop. Mostly because it’s not working anymore.
- I want to run away. I want to shirk my responsibilities and live in fantasy land but that's not the way things work in real life.
- But I mean come on, this is killing me. The joy I had seems all but gone recently replaced by an endless existential crisis, long nights of light and splotchy sleep, new overwhelming worries, miles of red tape, and no light being kind enough to shine out to me at the end of this stupid tunnel. I hate it. It's hard maintaining hopes of improvement when there just seems like there's nothing to look forward to.
- Every time I close my eyes I have a horrible whooshing sensation of my life flashing before my eyes. I feel like there's a sensory overload sparking off in my head and the whole operation is short circuiting. People I haven't spoken to in years rush into my memory out of nowhere. At night when I dream it’s like a random trip back in time causing me to shake my head and wonder "where did that come from" when I wake up only to drift off again somewhere else. I revisit times and places stored deep in my mind and experience myself in contexts I can barely recognize. It's like I'm a completely different person. In some respects I guess I am. The feeling is nauseating. It's deafening and relentless and wearing me out.
- I'm having a rough time tonight and it isn't being helped by this isolation. I normally do a better job of avoiding it but tonight I wasn't able to. I'll just deal. I've had harder nights than this and I almost feel that before anything will get better I've got to confront the reality of things.
- I remember a conversation I had with Kristen, I can't remember how long ago, when she said something that's stuck with me ever since. It was something along the lines of the two of us being people prone to existential nightmares, moodiness, and introspective gluttony. She observed that this trait had the tendency to pull us down and needed an extra dose of determination and purpose to properly overcome and function in a society unforgiving of such inclinations. It was an uncharacteristically frank statement but at the same time one of the most internally controversial ones I can remember that wanders among my inner dialog.
- I can't really argue with the premise. This blog is often evidence of such, but it’s always been something I've done a good job of not properly confronting. My mind can do incredible back flips and cartwheels to convince myself that I'm not actually functioning in a way incompatible with how I believe I should but perhaps it’s high time I suck it up and deal with it. My natural instincts are and always have been to quit, to whine, then to rationalize. Well, it’s got to stop. Mostly because it’s not working anymore.
- I want to run away. I want to shirk my responsibilities and live in fantasy land but that's not the way things work in real life.
God, give me the strength to deal with the things I can, and accept the things I can't. From today, forward.
posted by Jay | 10:57 PM
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