Almost Out of Time
- I'm a notorious quitter. I remember my first time skiing when I poured to my mom with complete honesty that I couldn't and never could do it. I get easily discouraged and my tendancy to throw in the towel has filled my life with regrets over the years. If things don't go according to the fairy tale I build for myself everyday in everything I do, it takes a rare spark of courage for me to overcome my desire to just walk away with a solid, "Oh well, I tried. Its not for me."
- My mom was the force that pulled me back up the lift and today I love hitting the slopes whenver I get the chance, but even she can't help me with this one. I'm on my own. And this time I can't find the courage in me. I want more than anything to find the courage to not quit. I want to find the courage to not throw the whole year away. I'm almost out of time after months upon months of stalling. I want to take a step outside myself, free myself from the prison of a bitten tongue and a skeptical mind. But I can't. And day by day I see it slipping out of my fingers and I feel myself being pulled in another direction. I look ahead and I see a fog of unoptimistic uncertainty, a shell of a soul crushed like a Christmas ornament, never to be the same. I see hurt, confusion, and isolation, yet deep inside of me there's that quitter that reasons that it won't be that bad and I'd be doing the best thing for me to pull me out of a rut I'm slowly sinking deeper in. I keep digging this hole and recently, I've been my own worst enemy. This time, the quitter might be right this time. I know I'm blowing everything out of proportion but I don't know which side of me to bieleve.
- I want to get through this. I don't like it. I hate all the futile complexity it adds to my life. It isn't even driving my mood anymore. It just pokes its head up now and then to remind me that I haven't addressed it yet and everytime, it makes its presence felt more intensely than the last.
- I'm lost. Completely lost.
- I was walking to class today and I saw Keri. It kinda wierded me out cause I never seem to see anybody around campus, but we smalled talked for a minute and just as I was leaving she called out my name with that incredible sincerity that reminds me that I'm not alone in this and told me that she misses me that we needed to hang out on the roof again like we had done towards the beggining of the semester. I couldn't agree more. Keri is the one that I need to get advice from and I can't explain why. I'm not being obnoxiously vauge on this one, I really don't know why its her instead of going to my parents or those friends I know I could trust my life with.
- Life can be so complicated sometimes. I hate this entry and how it can't at all get across what I'm even getting so worked up about. I suck with words. I'll work through this. I'll work through all the tough decisions I'm going to be making this year and in the long run, this is probably one of the least important. But for now, I just need to give it a rest.
- My mom was the force that pulled me back up the lift and today I love hitting the slopes whenver I get the chance, but even she can't help me with this one. I'm on my own. And this time I can't find the courage in me. I want more than anything to find the courage to not quit. I want to find the courage to not throw the whole year away. I'm almost out of time after months upon months of stalling. I want to take a step outside myself, free myself from the prison of a bitten tongue and a skeptical mind. But I can't. And day by day I see it slipping out of my fingers and I feel myself being pulled in another direction. I look ahead and I see a fog of unoptimistic uncertainty, a shell of a soul crushed like a Christmas ornament, never to be the same. I see hurt, confusion, and isolation, yet deep inside of me there's that quitter that reasons that it won't be that bad and I'd be doing the best thing for me to pull me out of a rut I'm slowly sinking deeper in. I keep digging this hole and recently, I've been my own worst enemy. This time, the quitter might be right this time. I know I'm blowing everything out of proportion but I don't know which side of me to bieleve.
- I want to get through this. I don't like it. I hate all the futile complexity it adds to my life. It isn't even driving my mood anymore. It just pokes its head up now and then to remind me that I haven't addressed it yet and everytime, it makes its presence felt more intensely than the last.
- I'm lost. Completely lost.
- I was walking to class today and I saw Keri. It kinda wierded me out cause I never seem to see anybody around campus, but we smalled talked for a minute and just as I was leaving she called out my name with that incredible sincerity that reminds me that I'm not alone in this and told me that she misses me that we needed to hang out on the roof again like we had done towards the beggining of the semester. I couldn't agree more. Keri is the one that I need to get advice from and I can't explain why. I'm not being obnoxiously vauge on this one, I really don't know why its her instead of going to my parents or those friends I know I could trust my life with.
- Life can be so complicated sometimes. I hate this entry and how it can't at all get across what I'm even getting so worked up about. I suck with words. I'll work through this. I'll work through all the tough decisions I'm going to be making this year and in the long run, this is probably one of the least important. But for now, I just need to give it a rest.
posted by Jay | 11:40 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home