Reality

- I always knew. I know people. I can usually tell when I'm being lied to when the person is just trying to protect my feelings, even if its for them in the end. But this was one of those times where I prayed I was wrong. I had nothing left to lose but my pride. Maybe I was more important than that. Maybe I was worth more than to be manipulated while in my hippocracy I was doing the very thing I despised. Maybe my wildest scenario, a dream romance, could come true. Maybe love could overcome everything, even when I was saying it was dead.

- I was wrong. It was dead. It died that night with Linsey and ironically it died only a few yards and a few minutes away. It almost seems like a sign that I've been thinking of that horrible night over the last few days more often and at the same time decided to find the truth of what happened after it was over. It breaks my heart because something inside of me enjoyed living in a selfish bliss. I don't deserve something that I can't give. I won't know love until I learn to give it beyond my words. I need to learn love in my actions and more importantly in my thoughts. I need to learn the love thats unselfish and not always glamorous. But before that I need to be broken. God I'm so afraid of being broken.

- I'm working through the struggles. I feel so alive. The truth isn't pretty, but its real. I need a little bit of reality in my life.