Conflicting Desires and My Lack of Control in All of It
- This one goes out to you, C-Train and Jordan. A little piece of me is glad I know a few people read this and its not just the big black hole in the internet where I send my thoughts I was talking to ya'll about, but I'd probably still do it if nobody read it at all. Its just a way to fill time and unload a little bit about things on my mind. Its kinda a little bit of pressure knowing I'm not the only one that reads these things. Maybe I should make them a little less boring and rambly and instead make them a little more substantial or do a little better job on proofreading.
- Today was good. Really lazy paced and I kinda felt like I should, maybe even wished I could, work today but alas I had the day off and I enjoyed it anyway. I did what I always do during the morning and afternoons on days off. Nothing. It was nice. I actually felt unproductive this time which destroyed the good feeling a little bit but its ok. It wasn't a complete loss. I headed over to the Ingrams a little early tonight and played some guitar with Jordan. It was fantastic. Its been awhile since I've gotten to jam even just a little bit with him. By the way Jordan, I'm a big fan of those new songs. I mean, I really really liked them. If you ever get them completely worked out you should make a CD or email them to me and maybe even considering trying to picked up by a recording label. That good man, honestly. All these camps you're playing is just step one. Micheala, Jenny Dull, and Courtney showed up a little bit later and we played some cards. I still hate Rummy and I always will I'm sure. It was a good time just hanging out with everyone though. I'll play card games I hate if it means I'll get to spend time with people I love. It sucks that I don't get to go to Canada this year. Everyone's getting so excited and I miss that feeling. I know I have priorities here but man it'd feel good to throw caution to the wind for a week and just go. Without a doubt I'd have the time of my life but I guess giving these things up when you have to is a part of the responsibilities of growing up. Michaela and Jenny Dull headed home early and Courtney, Jordan, and I just chatted about this and that for awhile. Man, I really miss hanging out with those two 3 or 4 times a week like in the good old days and thier busy summer's combined with complicated work scheduals make it really hard to try and get it back again this summer. Michaela mentioned something on her way out about this Sunday being the last time she'd ever get to see Courtney again since she's heading back pretty soon and Courtney's gonna be leaving for Canada next Thursday with everyone else and that whole concept hit me pretty hard. The start of the next school year is gonna rip my little security blanket of friends apart, probably for good, and I've never really thought about it like that before. I try not to dwell because it'd just depress me but theres no other words for it than that sucks.
- Tomorrow is going to be terrible. I've got to clean the smoothy off the door of my car (funny story. Ask me about it and I'll be happy to tell you about it) and I expect that to probably take all morning. I've got a stupid presurgury apointment all the way in the heart of Denver and pray that doesn't go to long because afterwords I've gotta rush my butt all the way back here as fast as I can to rush my butt all the way back out to work. And the worst part is I'm missing a big college friends get-together in Fort Collins Friday night and a big pool trip with home friends Friday afternoon. Saturday'll be better. Jordan and Courtney took pity on the fact that I can't make it tomorrow and they're gonna try to hang out with me Saturday afternoon and Saturday night me and Britt are heading up to see Brittany.
- And now, bedtime. Aww man, I feel so emo sometimes. Like a little girl. Oh well. Aren't we all?
- I'll leave you with the lyrics to my favorite Stephen Speaks songs. This song almost makes me cry with the memories I've got attached to it and other more stupid reasons. Its not even a sad song. Just really meaningful, not even about anyone specific, just all the things that I miss about relationships. I don't even know what the song is called. Rock on.
Maybe its her face.
No makeup at all.
As she tells me shes not beautiful.
Maybe its her hair.
Soft golden and windblown
As we drive through the streets of town.
It could be all these things,
but I think its her smile.
Maybe its her laugh
when she throws back and sighs
or her eyebrows when i do something stupid.
Maybe its her smell.
The lotion she wears,
or how my hands smell like country pear for days.
You know it could be all these things
but I think mostly it's her smile.
Cause I love to see her smile back at me
and I know she is happy
Maybe its her touch,
the feel of her hand,
when she puts her tiny fingers in mine.
Maybe its her eyes
gently searching my soul.
Still nothing stirs me like when I see those lips roll and I see her smile.
Cause I love to see her smile back at me
and I know she is happy.
- Today was good. Really lazy paced and I kinda felt like I should, maybe even wished I could, work today but alas I had the day off and I enjoyed it anyway. I did what I always do during the morning and afternoons on days off. Nothing. It was nice. I actually felt unproductive this time which destroyed the good feeling a little bit but its ok. It wasn't a complete loss. I headed over to the Ingrams a little early tonight and played some guitar with Jordan. It was fantastic. Its been awhile since I've gotten to jam even just a little bit with him. By the way Jordan, I'm a big fan of those new songs. I mean, I really really liked them. If you ever get them completely worked out you should make a CD or email them to me and maybe even considering trying to picked up by a recording label. That good man, honestly. All these camps you're playing is just step one. Micheala, Jenny Dull, and Courtney showed up a little bit later and we played some cards. I still hate Rummy and I always will I'm sure. It was a good time just hanging out with everyone though. I'll play card games I hate if it means I'll get to spend time with people I love. It sucks that I don't get to go to Canada this year. Everyone's getting so excited and I miss that feeling. I know I have priorities here but man it'd feel good to throw caution to the wind for a week and just go. Without a doubt I'd have the time of my life but I guess giving these things up when you have to is a part of the responsibilities of growing up. Michaela and Jenny Dull headed home early and Courtney, Jordan, and I just chatted about this and that for awhile. Man, I really miss hanging out with those two 3 or 4 times a week like in the good old days and thier busy summer's combined with complicated work scheduals make it really hard to try and get it back again this summer. Michaela mentioned something on her way out about this Sunday being the last time she'd ever get to see Courtney again since she's heading back pretty soon and Courtney's gonna be leaving for Canada next Thursday with everyone else and that whole concept hit me pretty hard. The start of the next school year is gonna rip my little security blanket of friends apart, probably for good, and I've never really thought about it like that before. I try not to dwell because it'd just depress me but theres no other words for it than that sucks.
- Tomorrow is going to be terrible. I've got to clean the smoothy off the door of my car (funny story. Ask me about it and I'll be happy to tell you about it) and I expect that to probably take all morning. I've got a stupid presurgury apointment all the way in the heart of Denver and pray that doesn't go to long because afterwords I've gotta rush my butt all the way back here as fast as I can to rush my butt all the way back out to work. And the worst part is I'm missing a big college friends get-together in Fort Collins Friday night and a big pool trip with home friends Friday afternoon. Saturday'll be better. Jordan and Courtney took pity on the fact that I can't make it tomorrow and they're gonna try to hang out with me Saturday afternoon and Saturday night me and Britt are heading up to see Brittany.
- And now, bedtime. Aww man, I feel so emo sometimes. Like a little girl. Oh well. Aren't we all?
- I'll leave you with the lyrics to my favorite Stephen Speaks songs. This song almost makes me cry with the memories I've got attached to it and other more stupid reasons. Its not even a sad song. Just really meaningful, not even about anyone specific, just all the things that I miss about relationships. I don't even know what the song is called. Rock on.
Maybe its her face.
No makeup at all.
As she tells me shes not beautiful.
Maybe its her hair.
Soft golden and windblown
As we drive through the streets of town.
It could be all these things,
but I think its her smile.
Maybe its her laugh
when she throws back and sighs
or her eyebrows when i do something stupid.
Maybe its her smell.
The lotion she wears,
or how my hands smell like country pear for days.
You know it could be all these things
but I think mostly it's her smile.
Cause I love to see her smile back at me
and I know she is happy
Maybe its her touch,
the feel of her hand,
when she puts her tiny fingers in mine.
Maybe its her eyes
gently searching my soul.
Still nothing stirs me like when I see those lips roll and I see her smile.
Cause I love to see her smile back at me
and I know she is happy.
posted by Jay | 10:32 PM
2 Comments:
rummy to me is the same way. i really dont like it much at all, but it is just fun to be with the people. i cant say i hate the game, but it is not my favorite at all. i apprieciate the encouragement about the songs. i sometimes wonder alot, but we will see. :) i hope something can come of it. i really want to be able to write songs rightnow but i really just done have much time at all. i love to do it. i just hope they dont suck! :) so i did a massive password change. "ieatpickf" do you think it is creative enough? i changed myspace, facebook, xanga, bank account, yahoo, ebay. got em all. so thanks for the idea.
jordo
ps. that was joke me telling you the password there. i hope the entire time you were thinking "why did he just type his password on my blog?" i can only hope. :)
we obviously wont be as close as we were in HS because we wont hangout nearly at all, but that doesnt mean we can just pickup right there.
I read your blog to have someone to connect with back in my comfort zone of CO. I enjoy hearing that days are mundane as usual and that things are somewhat the same as when I left them. I know you will find your security blanket of friends up at school...this year will be building on last. It's not about what you will miss it's about what you gained. Think about it. God bless.
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