Time Poorly Spent
- 3rd post in as many days. Man, this is out of control.
- So, I'm going to start this off with a disclaimer. If you have anything better to do right now, don't waste your time reading this. I doubt I even will anytime after I finish writing it. I'm in a mood right now that wants to pick at my brain a little and slow down racing thoughts and I promise I don't consider myself any kind of Aristotle. Theres nothing enlightened here and nothing beyond a mesh of poorly woven sophmoric ramblings, but if you want to take a trip through my mind, hop on board and enjoy the trip.
- My life thus far has been a quest for intimacy. A lifelong search for intimacy with both others and with God and as I was tracing this theory over in my head a little earlier tonight, I discovered that everything in my life that has brought me an intense level of joy has come when I've found a piece of it here and there. But lets take a step back so maybe what the heck I'm talking about might make a bit more sense. Or at least see a little bit of where I'm coming from.
- A couple days ago my uncle on my mom's side and his wife both attempted suicide. The reasons are complex involving a troubled marriage combined with affairs and depression but thats not important. My only memories of my uncle are from my distant childhood when he was an entirely different man and if it wasn't for the lingering scab from Linsey's suicide this last fall, this would have been merely a sidenote to be forgotten and neglected to some unused part of my memory. But I do have close personal experience with suicide, and this hit me hard and knocked me back a little bit. As I was sitting there listening to my mom tell my dad about her conversation with Scott and the details of what lead to the try and the taxi driver that saved his life, everything that I was doing right then suddenly lost all the meaning that in my friviolous nature I gave it. There was a new triviality to things I had 4 mins ago treasured and a new piece of respect for my mom replaced it. Her and her brother were never really close due to their upbringing. She actually told me they hadn't spoken verbally in around 10 years and here he comes out of nowhere on the brink of destruction and she takes him right in with a type of true love I hope someday I can learn to give. She offered an ear to listen when the rest of his own family including his parents had thrown him away. I honestly bieleve she's the only reason he hadn't finished the job as soon as he conned his way out of the hospital. My mom is my hero and I know I can always go to her if I ever get in a jam I can't get out of. This to me is intimacy. I have it with her along with a type of true love and a bond I'll never lose and I crave this status everywhere in my life. I crave it in every relationship I have and it is, to me, the thing that makes some of the bonds I have with some people stronger than the bonds I have with others. There are even a few specific friends of mine that, though they may not know it, I value them as some of the best friends I have. The epitome of a soulmate for me is that one person that I can bare all with. That person that I can call at 3 in the morning in a destroyed state and they would get it, whatever it would be. I think it's tragic that an inherrant part of human nature is utter selfishness (In me to. I hardly consider myself better than anyone. Especially in selfishness.) and intimacy and love is crushed by people not able to put themselves, thier opinions, bielefs, and goals aside for a second to offer themselves in utter service to someone else. Intimacy is not impossible and it shows in some relationships of mine only to get stronger with every day and experience.
- Those are a few of the things that have been floating around my mind for the last couple of days and this particular topic's been upfront enough that it's even made its way into my dreams. I wish everyone could understand how terrible I am with showing I care about everyone I know, but at the same time how much I truely and honestly do even if the only people that hear me are the random scatterings that drop by this stupid blog every now and then. People come and go in my life, a few stay around, but I never forget anyone and if I had one wish to give right now it's that my life would positively impact everyone that I touch. I don't have that wish unfortunantly, so I'm just going to have to go live my life like I mean it. I love ya'll.
- Jay
- So, I'm going to start this off with a disclaimer. If you have anything better to do right now, don't waste your time reading this. I doubt I even will anytime after I finish writing it. I'm in a mood right now that wants to pick at my brain a little and slow down racing thoughts and I promise I don't consider myself any kind of Aristotle. Theres nothing enlightened here and nothing beyond a mesh of poorly woven sophmoric ramblings, but if you want to take a trip through my mind, hop on board and enjoy the trip.
- My life thus far has been a quest for intimacy. A lifelong search for intimacy with both others and with God and as I was tracing this theory over in my head a little earlier tonight, I discovered that everything in my life that has brought me an intense level of joy has come when I've found a piece of it here and there. But lets take a step back so maybe what the heck I'm talking about might make a bit more sense. Or at least see a little bit of where I'm coming from.
- A couple days ago my uncle on my mom's side and his wife both attempted suicide. The reasons are complex involving a troubled marriage combined with affairs and depression but thats not important. My only memories of my uncle are from my distant childhood when he was an entirely different man and if it wasn't for the lingering scab from Linsey's suicide this last fall, this would have been merely a sidenote to be forgotten and neglected to some unused part of my memory. But I do have close personal experience with suicide, and this hit me hard and knocked me back a little bit. As I was sitting there listening to my mom tell my dad about her conversation with Scott and the details of what lead to the try and the taxi driver that saved his life, everything that I was doing right then suddenly lost all the meaning that in my friviolous nature I gave it. There was a new triviality to things I had 4 mins ago treasured and a new piece of respect for my mom replaced it. Her and her brother were never really close due to their upbringing. She actually told me they hadn't spoken verbally in around 10 years and here he comes out of nowhere on the brink of destruction and she takes him right in with a type of true love I hope someday I can learn to give. She offered an ear to listen when the rest of his own family including his parents had thrown him away. I honestly bieleve she's the only reason he hadn't finished the job as soon as he conned his way out of the hospital. My mom is my hero and I know I can always go to her if I ever get in a jam I can't get out of. This to me is intimacy. I have it with her along with a type of true love and a bond I'll never lose and I crave this status everywhere in my life. I crave it in every relationship I have and it is, to me, the thing that makes some of the bonds I have with some people stronger than the bonds I have with others. There are even a few specific friends of mine that, though they may not know it, I value them as some of the best friends I have. The epitome of a soulmate for me is that one person that I can bare all with. That person that I can call at 3 in the morning in a destroyed state and they would get it, whatever it would be. I think it's tragic that an inherrant part of human nature is utter selfishness (In me to. I hardly consider myself better than anyone. Especially in selfishness.) and intimacy and love is crushed by people not able to put themselves, thier opinions, bielefs, and goals aside for a second to offer themselves in utter service to someone else. Intimacy is not impossible and it shows in some relationships of mine only to get stronger with every day and experience.
- Those are a few of the things that have been floating around my mind for the last couple of days and this particular topic's been upfront enough that it's even made its way into my dreams. I wish everyone could understand how terrible I am with showing I care about everyone I know, but at the same time how much I truely and honestly do even if the only people that hear me are the random scatterings that drop by this stupid blog every now and then. People come and go in my life, a few stay around, but I never forget anyone and if I had one wish to give right now it's that my life would positively impact everyone that I touch. I don't have that wish unfortunantly, so I'm just going to have to go live my life like I mean it. I love ya'll.
- Jay
posted by Jay | 12:26 AM
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