Anchorless

- Well, I'm not sure what I've gotten myself into again.

- I may be getting ahead of myself but something clicked after spending the day with her. I guess I don't know what to think because I haven't completely figured out what exactly is up with me these days. Its like I switch hats several times a week. All of them are me but not all of them match up with each other well. I suppose college is about finding which of these selves get to stick around and finding someway to put them together. But I do know that Saturday was effortless. That simple aspect in a relationship with a girl is something I haven't known since I was 16. A lot of it is a product of timing and how much I've changed over this last Spring, Summer, and Fall but there's that piece there that just fits and luck of the draw or otherwise its refreshing.

- I'm being extremely cautious in all of this. I've been here before and few things are more terrible than when a good thing goes south. I went to see Dan in Real Life with my mom and my sister earlier tonight and something that really drove the film in for me was the pain in Steve Carrel's eyes scene after scene. Its the same world worn feeling that makes me so passionate about music like Rocky Votolato's and inspires me in a way nothing can. My emotional scars aren't any deeper than the average person's but they're deep enough for me not to do anything reckless. Its like during this season of the Office when Jim commenting on Dwights breakup says that that feeling of loss isn't something he'd wish on his worst enemy. I've been there and I know as well as anyone that it sucks.

- Ironically, two of the people that I trust telling things to more than most are girls I've crossed with selfish carelessness in a way that would make it hard for me to forgiving me if was in their shoes. Its funny how these things work out, especially in my life. My life lives out like a confusing and cliche soap opera which every now and then results in an interesting story. This semester especially. The character development recently is fascinating.

- And yet there's always that feeling wanting to see what else this world has to offer. I believe this urge for freedom, this desire for the open road is a motif that is distinctely American. Every now and then I get the urge to "shake the dust of this crummy little town" from my feet and go explore and push the limits of what it is to be human. I keep this urge from taking over by feeding it the old "maybe a little bit later when its not so completely unreasonable" line. I don't consider it lying to myself. Someday I will get away. Its just, life's just enough of an adventure for me right now to keep me satisfied along with how many good things I have going for me in family and friends here. Until that changes I'm not looking to throw anything away on something stupid.

- With that I'll close out these rambly few thoughts with lyrics to the song that has been my anthem over the last month; Anchorless by Dariustx.

Sinners know when its time to go

But you stuck around like it was some kind of test

World renown in that hospital gown

You were the patient but I was the mess

Say any say that you want to get better

The brass band is out in the street

Pray any pray for merciful weather

Theres thunder storms 50 miles east

Sooner or later you'll see what I mean

About drifting out to the West

Past California and way past your dreams

Drifting away anchorless

We were green

How seamless love seemed

As long as the rain came

We had naught to fear

Stormy skys kept mourners inside

Kept flooding the gravesight

Kept providence near

Say any say that you want to get better
The brass band is out in the street
Pray any pray for merciful weather
Theres thunder storms 50 miles east
Sooner or later you'll see what I mean
About drifting out to the West
Past California and way past your dreams
Drifting away anchorless

Now late at night

With no stars in sight

I lay in the tall grass

And curse the skies clear