Passing Through

- I'm home again. Nights like this are rough for me. I had a great time hanging out with the boys just like we did in the old times, but this time I dropped Jordan off at his new place on Arapahoe which leaves Grandview on the road for me on my way back home. There's something about seeing my old school and driving through my old stomping grounds that switches a nostolgia switch in my head on. As I drove I started thinking about it, thats when I started thinking about how that whole part of me is dead. I took a quick detour to drive through Grandviews empty parking lot and it strikes me how little of an impact I've made on the place and relatively vice versa I suppose. And even more depressing is how so many things that I cared about and considered important then mean almost nothing now. It really adds a futile feeling to life.

-I haven't done a real good job hanging on to those years. I'm not saying I should live in the past, but by neglecting to care for anything long term back then, I've doomed myself to this feeling of loss right now. Driving over the hill on Arapahoe where the mountains and the city lights seem to rise up out of the earth, I felt like a ghost. Its a terrible feeling tracking back over your history and feeling like you've done something wrong and that nothing is going to ever reverse that feeling of loss.

- This is all the byproducts of a kind of a self absorbed life that I often live. What's next? You tell me. My approach hasn't proven very effective so far. God knows my hubris will be my downfall if I keep going like this. You know, I talk about stopping to smell the flowers and appreciating the little things, but maybe I could a learn a lesson about caring for the big things; people that love me and that I love. Admittedly, I don't think I'm very good at that. If I get another chance which I live day to day praying I will, I'll do it right; selflessly. Agape. True.