Poor use of a Friday

- As they say, another day another dollar. I'm ready for this year to be over. I'm drowning in stress on a Friday night with no acceptable outlet. It was a nice thought for me to try and be responsible but I think more than anything I've just overwhelmed myself. I don't know if I can do it. I'm gonna be upset if it all falls through and just like always the cracks are showing. I guess it's all teaching me one of those mean lessons about life. A lot of times, things don't work out like you want things are never ever easy. It sucks being my age in my time. I have no resources, no avenues for escape, and few successes with nothing this society says I need going for me right now. I don't have any money, experience, or a well developed network. In the eyes of the job market, I'm worthless. The only place I feel I have a slight edge is heading toward a PhD but the more I want it, the harder it seems to get to even take myself to a point where they can consider me. I'm not giving up. Not yet, but man, I don't know how many more disappointments I can take.

- Its so daunting. Sometimes I like my chances, sometimes I don't. I dread the consequences of failure much more than I value the fruits of success. That's not healthy and is a terrible way to live a life. I hope things change. I hope they get better. All I can do is keep my nose to the grinder no matter how raw its getting rubbed and at least put the failure in the success of my fate. So that's what I do.

- Well I feel a little bit better. Thanks for sucking up my gloom poor blog reader. Chances are though, you're my age and either in my position or getting there so you can relate. Cheers.

Memphis

- Snow on the way tomorrow! Thats good I guess. I really wish that my car heater was working. Or that I wasn't too poor to fix it. If there is one really good thing about my situation living in borderline poverty trying everything I can to launch an educational and professional in a bad economy its that it has all but killed the sense of entitlement I entered school with. Jobs aren't given away. Neither are grad school positions. I can no longer earn things by skirting by with minimum amount of effort. I never struggled in school in school, not even in college, but now I'm learning theres more to success than mental aptitude and I hope that when someday I do finally break through that I never take it for granted. I hope I never forget how truely little I need to get by. I'm living fairly comfortably on 8 dollars an hour 25 hours a week. I hope am always grateful for a salary that pays the bills, a roof over my head, and food in belly.

- I'm hanging out with Brittany and Jeff tonight for the first time since I graduated. It'll be nice. There was a soothing feeling of being at home and happy during our Tuesday night excursions. They're just good people, the kind that can sit and talk for hours and never feel like any kind of step was lost. I do wish Julie was going to be there, probably not as much as her though. Poor girl, stuck down south with her student teaching.

- I choose a bad semester to ask for one of my letters of recommendation. She'll still get it for me but I know shes not going to have the time to make it as good as she made the last one. I hope that doesn't come back to haunt me. Its kind of stressful because my letters are the one area of the application that I have little to no flexibility on. Well, it'll still work out. My main 'choice' schools have the later application dates which should serve to my advantage and won't cripple the whole process. Times running out though, slowly but surely. I hope it goes off smoothly. I won't lie I'm nervous.

- Otherwise I'm just hanging in there, making the most of things. I've been getting better, I can feel it. I think I underestimated the effect the events of this summer had on me and was too hard on myself when I wasn't ok right away but now that I'm relaxing a little more, prioritizing a little more effectively, and am closer to my goals, I'm coming through on the other side.

- So smile! Its gonna be ok.

- "I waited my whole life/just to see Mephis/Now all I can see/Is you"

Stories of assault and manipulation

- I think the people you are surrounded by have a profound impact on how you view the world. I'm trying not to let some of mine taint me too much.

- I had a 45 minute conversation today (more accurately I patiently listened to a 45 min rant) from one of my coworkers where I learned all kinds of things about my organization; specifically stories about my boss, my coworkers and some of the background of the place I work. The things she told me were frightening. If true, which I have no reason to believe they're not, I really need to learn to keep my head down. It was story after story of organizational politics, violence, childish inflexibilities, rampant selfishness and general nastiness.

- While the stories made me feel slightly vindicated in the way I've been treated at times since I've been there, I feel overall that listening to the rant could potentially have a very negative impact on me if I don't try and take them with a grain of salt. I need to remember that I haven't heard the other sides of the stories and not lend myself to an attitude of negativity. I've been far too prone to this attitude over the last months and it needs to stop. I'm gonna make it stop.

- In a piece of good news, I finally got a hold of Dr. Gibbons. I have a meeting with her on Friday to have her help me sort out my grad school process. That's a good positive step and will do numbers for helping me soldier through these last couple application steps. I'm excited about the potential to pursue my PhD. Its something that I value, that I want, and that I feel I need to at least try to feel I'm not settling in life for something less than what I'm capable. The pieces are falling into place but I'm doing my best not to get my hopes up yet. Its by no means a lock. Its looking good though.

- Till then...

Rocky Restart

- I had a good night. By some fluke chance I got to see Rocky Votolato play a show for me, Jessie and about 9 other people. It was incredible. He does a great live show, especially when hes standing a couple feet in front of you asking what you want him to play. Just incredible. Anyone who used to read my blog can understand how exciting this is to me.

- I was reading back on some of my old blog entries earlier tonight. I seemed to have it so much better together back then. Still, I was also a lot more naive back then and had a ton less responsibilities, but I seemed to have a better perspective on things than I do now.

- I'm going to try and make a commitment to myself to update this at least once a week going foward. I think putting things in writing helps me put them in perspective. I've complained quite a bit about how things have been since I graduated and taking a step back will no doubt show me all I have to be thankful for.

- So there it is. Hold me accountable if you like. :)