Stop This Train

- Before this semester, I've never really been fully aware of the future and where I'm going. My thoughts have been sort of grounded and on the here and now but slowly I'm waking up to the future and how getting older is something I shouldn't worry about. Walking to class the other day I was listening Stop This Train by John Mayer and it touched on the way I was feeling at that moment.

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So scared of getting older,

I'm only good at being young.

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- It's ridiculous when I sit down and think about it. I've got a lot to look foward to as I get older. I want to go places in my life. But something in me can't hold on to that idea. I always seem to recess into what could have been and what isn't instead of what could be.

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- So the only thing for me to do is plan. If I have some dirrection in life its a lot easier to stay focused. I made a list of things I want to do before I die the other night:

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- Own a classic Corvette.

- Turn somebody's life around for the better.

- Spend at least a month in Ireland if not live there for some amount of time.

- Marry somebody I truely love.

- Live in a quiet house on the coast of Oregon.

- Go to a Superbowl and World Series.

- Go on a grand adventure people will remember me for.

- Run a marathon.

- Tell stories of my life to Grandkids.

- Sell a piece of art.

- Write a book.

- Build a car from the ground up.

- Get a career in a job that I enjoy and that I look foward to when I wake up in the morning.

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- A lot of these are really generic and I'm sure more will be added to the list over time, but its a start. I don't wish to be famous or rich when I get older. Just happy. And it starts now.

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So I play the numbers game

to find a way to say that

Life has just begun

The Next Step?

- Things are starting to settle down back to an equilibrium for me. I'm taking things in stride better and learning to appreciate the little stuff all over again. For example, driving home from the library the other day, Paula Abdul's song Straight Up came on on JackFM and the semi bad mood I was in at the time just melted away. I just started laughing out loud to myself and enjoying how rediculous the song was. I still loved it. Unfortunantly, I've also been kind of secluding myself and letting my loner side come out a little more than it should. I'm working on it and I'm trying not to let it take me over like it has the potential to do, but sometimes alone time is just kind of nice.

- On another note I'm applying for a job teaching psychology in Boulder over the summer as a part of some pre-college orientation camp. It would be the ideal job for me and I hope it goes through. The thought of this summer is exciting to me. There's a lot to look foward to. It's a scary thought thinking that this summer will mark the halfway point in my undergraduate education. Things are moving so fast.

- I'll be ok. I just need to learn to stop living in the past so much. The here and now is pretty good and its high time I stopped taking it for granted.

Cause I can't wait to figure out what's wrong with me

So I can say this is the way I used to be

There's no substitute for time

Long Pauses

- Ahh I'm home. Its been a rough week. Sort of a rough weekend too, life can be that way sometimes, but if there's one thing I know its that I'll always have a place here. My family loves me and I love them and nothing can ever change that. I'll find my spot in the sun sooner or later. I just hope its sooner than later.

The Car in 40

- Ugg. I'm sick again. I really should give myself more to time rest and relax cause think all this go go going isn't helping my immune system. It also kills me that its snowed again and that its been so cold the last couple days but my yahoo weather says its supposed to be 45 today. We'll see. I'm just ready for it all to be gone.

- The bright side of all this go go going however is my first batch of tests went over extraordinarily well. Two A's and a B in a class where the test average was below a 70. I'm still waiting on another test grade from my personality psych class but if I got anothing below a mid B on that one I'll be suprised. With the amount of time I spend reading for that class plus the time I spend studying and how well I figured I did coming out of the test, I don't think I have anything to worry about. Micro is on Monday and if the test questions are as easy as the practice test questions I'll be golden for that one too. It feels good that putting in the work produces the grades. It'd be hard for me to find the motivation otherwise. Last semester I was prepared early and then one difficult test that nullified my hard work destroyed my will for the rest of the semester. I still ended up with decent grades but I could have done better.

- I've got hope in the comming months that things are gonna improve for me. A reassesment of what I expect and hope for in my life is helping put things in perspective. I'm just glad its the weekend. Its been a long week and I'll be happy to be done with it.

Bigger Than Me

- Nothing. After almost four months it ended about as quickly as it began. Even though I know its the right thing and it needed to happen, I also know the rest of the semester is gonna be tough. Classes are a touch overwhelming and nothing is really on the horizon to look foward to. At least I know my hard work is starting to pay off as the good grades are starting to come in but man, I need a vacation. I'm just so emotionally tapped.

- I'm not sure what I was expecting but a piece of me knows it was this. People change and things change and I'm not sure how well I'm gonna be able to change with it. Probably one of the sadest parts about my last visit home was that the Applebees was gone. When I drove up that hill and saw it had been replaced, a part of me was crushed. Its like I was replaced at the same time and now I'm off wandering around trying unsucessfully to find a new foothold. God's got a plan for me in all this. I just hope he shows me what it is sooner before later.

Woke up and wished that I was dead

With an aching in my head

I lay motionless in bed

I thought of you and where you'd gone

And let the world spin madly on

Everything that I said I'd do

I'd make the world brand new

And take the time for you

I just got lost and slept right through the dawn

And the world spins madly on

- Life can really suck sometimes. I can't find any beauty in this.

Adventures

- Its amazing how sad something like seeing your old high school and realizing you don't belong there anymore can make you. Seeing it and reflecting on the years since and what could have been, what is, and what could be is enough to make me stop and reconsider what I'm doing. Sometimes I just drop into the mode of passenger in life, just going along for the ride. Sometimes it feels like I go as far as giving up and not trying any more. My life thus far feels like a distant dream that somewhere along the way got sidetracked. Everyone likes to feel invincible and it hurts when we see that that tough shell somewhere along the way got cracked. Is this simply a feature of life we just have to accept or do we, as I'd like to think, have a little more say in the matter.

- The worst part is I've been wrong before and the mistakes lead to regrets that never go away. Things I once thought important ended up not mattering at all and others that I careless tossed away ended up being pins and needles in my soul long after I've moved on.

- Why can't it all be easy?

and Townies...

Beneath this snowy mantle cold and clean

The unborn grass lies waiting

for its coat to turn to green

- I know its incredibly cliche to put song lyrics on these things, but I'm just amazed at how lyrics, like very few things, can inspire and entrap me. Even songs that mean overall nothing can capture me with a line or two of musical imagry that, as strange as it sounds, can make me happy to be alive and bring the reality of my existence into immediate sight. They speak to a part of me that I keep all to myself and the bare all feeling it elicits is a unique kind of freedom.

- Whatever. I've gotta be on crack. Either that or I'm studying to much. It's like Hattie told me today, I should know better than to think I have time for fun. Specially when that time I got behind for involved CSU getting spanked by UNLV in a way they must have been saving for this special occasion. I'm gonna take a big long break after this wave of tests next week. I've earned it.