Conflicting Desires and My Lack of Control in All of It

- This one goes out to you, C-Train and Jordan. A little piece of me is glad I know a few people read this and its not just the big black hole in the internet where I send my thoughts I was talking to ya'll about, but I'd probably still do it if nobody read it at all. Its just a way to fill time and unload a little bit about things on my mind. Its kinda a little bit of pressure knowing I'm not the only one that reads these things. Maybe I should make them a little less boring and rambly and instead make them a little more substantial or do a little better job on proofreading.

- Today was good. Really lazy paced and I kinda felt like I should, maybe even wished I could, work today but alas I had the day off and I enjoyed it anyway. I did what I always do during the morning and afternoons on days off. Nothing. It was nice. I actually felt unproductive this time which destroyed the good feeling a little bit but its ok. It wasn't a complete loss. I headed over to the Ingrams a little early tonight and played some guitar with Jordan. It was fantastic. Its been awhile since I've gotten to jam even just a little bit with him. By the way Jordan, I'm a big fan of those new songs. I mean, I really really liked them. If you ever get them completely worked out you should make a CD or email them to me and maybe even considering trying to picked up by a recording label. That good man, honestly. All these camps you're playing is just step one. Micheala, Jenny Dull, and Courtney showed up a little bit later and we played some cards. I still hate Rummy and I always will I'm sure. It was a good time just hanging out with everyone though. I'll play card games I hate if it means I'll get to spend time with people I love. It sucks that I don't get to go to Canada this year. Everyone's getting so excited and I miss that feeling. I know I have priorities here but man it'd feel good to throw caution to the wind for a week and just go. Without a doubt I'd have the time of my life but I guess giving these things up when you have to is a part of the responsibilities of growing up. Michaela and Jenny Dull headed home early and Courtney, Jordan, and I just chatted about this and that for awhile. Man, I really miss hanging out with those two 3 or 4 times a week like in the good old days and thier busy summer's combined with complicated work scheduals make it really hard to try and get it back again this summer. Michaela mentioned something on her way out about this Sunday being the last time she'd ever get to see Courtney again since she's heading back pretty soon and Courtney's gonna be leaving for Canada next Thursday with everyone else and that whole concept hit me pretty hard. The start of the next school year is gonna rip my little security blanket of friends apart, probably for good, and I've never really thought about it like that before. I try not to dwell because it'd just depress me but theres no other words for it than that sucks.

- Tomorrow is going to be terrible. I've got to clean the smoothy off the door of my car (funny story. Ask me about it and I'll be happy to tell you about it) and I expect that to probably take all morning. I've got a stupid presurgury apointment all the way in the heart of Denver and pray that doesn't go to long because afterwords I've gotta rush my butt all the way back here as fast as I can to rush my butt all the way back out to work. And the worst part is I'm missing a big college friends get-together in Fort Collins Friday night and a big pool trip with home friends Friday afternoon. Saturday'll be better. Jordan and Courtney took pity on the fact that I can't make it tomorrow and they're gonna try to hang out with me Saturday afternoon and Saturday night me and Britt are heading up to see Brittany.

- And now, bedtime. Aww man, I feel so emo sometimes. Like a little girl. Oh well. Aren't we all?

- I'll leave you with the lyrics to my favorite Stephen Speaks songs. This song almost makes me cry with the memories I've got attached to it and other more stupid reasons. Its not even a sad song. Just really meaningful, not even about anyone specific, just all the things that I miss about relationships. I don't even know what the song is called. Rock on.

Maybe its her face.
No makeup at all.
As she tells me shes not beautiful.

Maybe its her hair.
Soft golden and windblown
As we drive through the streets of town.

It could be all these things,
but I think its her smile.

Maybe its her laugh
when she throws back and sighs
or her eyebrows when i do something stupid.

Maybe its her smell.
The lotion she wears,
or how my hands smell like country pear for days.

You know it could be all these things
but I think mostly it's her smile.

Cause I love to see her smile back at me
and I know she is happy

Maybe its her touch,
the feel of her hand,
when she puts her tiny fingers in mine.

Maybe its her eyes
gently searching my soul.
Still nothing stirs me like when I see those lips roll and I see her smile.

Cause I love to see her smile back at me
and I know she is happy.

This is Stupid

- Money is going to be the death of me this summer. If all I had to pay back was the money I borrowed from my dad last semester it would be a piece of cake and I would probably even enjoy my summer more. Most of my stress this summer has stemmed in one way or another from my money problems. Out of nowhere last semester my dad decided that I was going to be responsible for my deposit on the house which adds another 400 dollars to my summer bill to pay off. That really is a tough amount on top of the money I already owe him with the terrible pay and cost of gas for the commute to work that I'm responsible for. In the long run its really not such a big deal because it's money I'll be getting back once we move out and its really chump change compared to the huge amount of financially help I'm getting from my parents for living expenses next year which I'm so greatful for but I've been stressing out about it over this last week as my cash reserves have been getting smaller and my hours at work haven't been living up to expectations. On top of that I'm spending bank in gas costs which stresses me out because I can't afford it and to keep me from paying over 100 a month in gas I've got to constantly be fighting with my family to try and keep things balanced. The system we've got set up right now is terrible and easily exploited both by me and them and thats not a good way to do things because its vauge and there's no way to know who's really right, so until that can be proved, everyone's wrong since I drive the most, I've got to foot the entire bill for the later 3/4's of the month. I do use most of the gas and if I am getting screwed like I feel I am, its not dramatic, but with my need to pinch every penny as it already is, its not something I can just ignore and suck up. We'll be logging miles next month and from experience, that doesn't really fix anything because once they're logged we can't really do anything with them but in theory its a good attempt at a solution and if anything it'll keep people from driving it down to fumes right before I need it which is almost more stressful than actually having to pay to fill it back up. I've thought about trying to get a second job but its really not an option with only two months of availability left and I guess I'm just going to have to get creative to make everything work. I'm sure everything will work out for me financially in the end but that really doesn't make the here and now any less stressful. It feels like I'm in the middle of watching a horror and I know the plot's gonna resolve itself in the end but right now, I'm stressed and anxious and just ready for it to be over.

- Something else has been bothering me. I feel my privacy has been violated and I've got a paraniod feeling like someone else has been reading my diary. Its not this blog, for the most part I don't care who reads this. There's no real depth or serious issues here. But I've learned that I need to think of a new password to use for everything and get rid of the old one because some people know no boundaries when it comes to trust. The greatest predictor of future actions are past actions and I should have known better.

- So if you haven't figured out from the overall tone of this post, things recently have been fairly stressful and flustering and I hate it. Its not all bad news though. Good old Tim Swales gave me a call last night and me, him, and Lauren Morales hung out a Village Inn for awhile and saw Nacho Libre at the Chinese Mann. It was a real good time. He never stops cracking me up and I've decided I need to call him to hang out more often. I feel bad because I never really call him and he could make anything fun. He and I made fun of each other's schools for awhile (he's a Buff) and we exchanged stories and good times. Lauren brought up, as she never fails to do, the time I used to give her crap about having a Hispanic last name and something about a green card, and the three of us just more of less caught up about what'd been happening in our lives since the last time we saw each other over Winter Break. It was fun and I gotta remember to call them again soon because I miss the good times.

- So for the rest of the day I get to run a bunch of erands I've been procrastinating for awhile and then work. Stupid work. I've only got 11 hours on the next schedual and each of the 11 hours makes it impossible for me to do various things that I really want to do including a BBQ and poker game Adam's setting up, a camping trip, a big pool party, and even Sunday night basketball. The time I have off nothing is happening. It was a nightmare schedual and I hope the trend doesn't continue.

- No more procrastinating.

Endearing

- Long and rambly today. I'm in a long and rambly kinda mood.

- Its been a good Jay Day. Courtney decided a year ago today that there was to be a day dedicated to me every June 26th. I think everyone needs a Your Name Here Day because one of the best feelings in the world is for somebody to say that you're an important enough that you deserve a holiday of your own, or at least a day to say, "Hey, you're special." The fanny pack she gave me last year not only makes me happy because I have an odd obsession with fanny packs, it also reminds me that I have a good friend out there that made me feel special and I need to try to spread a little bit of that love.

- The last couple days have been good but busy. The movie Saturday night, a miserable 6 hour dishes shift Sunday morning and my weekly basketball ritual Sunday night. It really wore me out mentally and physically and oddly enough today helped me recharge a little bit. Work this morning really just flew by. I've really grown attached to working the register cause I love working with people and when I get good reactions from customers just by being friendly, I really am just charged up a bit. Not just cause I have to be friendly as part of my job, but because I really enjoy making somebodies day a little bit better, even if it was just as the stupid cashier that smiled at them instead of just taking thier order like he can't wait to leave. My coworkers were a good time today too. The normally quiet short fat kid with glasses was in a great mood and hes actually fun to work with like that. Stephanie the AM was pretty peppy too and my other coworker Amanda, over the course of the day, entertained me with a long converstation with Sophia about something stupid, made a big scene of making an out of order sign for the lemonade machine and covered me lemon ice juice mix because she got over confident in her ability to pour from a large square container directly into the bottle I was holding steady. She and I got off work at the same time and she wanted to hang out and, even though I was feeling really homebody-ish, I couldn't think of a reason why not so we both changed and hung out at Jason's for a couple hours. It was a fine way to spend my afternoon even though it turned out she's a regular at Jason's and knows everyone there so I spent the afternoon meeting emersing myself in the life of someone I just met, which was a little offsetting. It was nice to get to actually know, know somebody from work and even though she isn't and won't soon become a love interest, there were a bunch of things about her that reminded me of romances past and that too was a little offsetting.

- So I came home and spent the evening right where I wanted. Right on my butt. I used this stupid computer to stay social in an anti-social kinda way and before I know it, its tomorrow and I've got a big smile on my face ready to enjoy my day off. I filled my emotional gastank with the little things that make me really happy for really stupid reasons.

- Another day of summer 06 down.

Sunburnt, Tired, and Right Where I Need to Be

- Water World was fantastic. The large group ended up only five; Austin, Tyler, Cole, Courtney and I but it was a great mix of people and I had an incredible time. I nearly died from laughing more times than I can count. One of my favorite feelings in the entire world is driving back from wherever exhausted and happy thinking about the fun we've just had and how much everyone around me means to me and makes me happy. Its priceless. I'm not going to be young much much longer and I won't have many more opportunities to just decide to screw everything all day some Friday. I'm already noticing how much harder it is to work around people's responsibilities just to hang out and I don't take great days like this for granted.

- The plan after Water World was to head off with Cliff, Jared, and Stephen to Greely for some hang out time but I got back a couple hours to late so they had already headed off and I'm not sure I had energy anyway after spending all day walking in the sun so I've got a night to myself tonight to relax and actually enjoy the benifits of the summer I overlook to often; no hw and warm summer nights for unwinding with my thoughts and my guitar.

- Tomorrow and Sunday I have pleanty to look foward to and afraid next week is going to pale in comparison to this one.

- Days like today force me to bring out old dusty feelings from my years growing up in Aroura and it's wierd but I like it. I'm not sure how to describe it so I won't but I feel alive and distant at the same time. I'm missing out on things that a couple years ago I wouldn't have missed, like the trip to Calgary early August, volunteering at camp late July I think or a 2,000 mile road trip Austin told me about where they're gonna hit up one of my favorite places in the world, Six Flags over Texas. I might try to make that one if I'm doing pretty good financially by then (I'm dreaming I know) but really the point is that while I feel like me and my friends here never have any trouble reconecting and we always find some kind of way to pick things up where we left off, life's pulling me in a different dirrection. My responsibilities are increasing and my carefree adolescent privilages are dissapearing. I don't hate it and I know I have to grow up eventually but I hate that I can't have everything. I hate knowing that even when I do come down from FC next year, probably only half of the people I consider staples in my life will be able to do the same. And its gonna be even more drastic the summer after that. The Ingrams were over at my house when I got back from Water World and Mrs. Beth asked me how my summer was going and if I had gone through summertime blues yet. It was a hard question to answer. In fact, I left it more of less unanswered. I've still got a long way to go till I've got my feet back on the ground and can enjoy a little stability in my life.

OK?

- Life's been good this past week and the best is yet to come. Tuesday was an ideal summer day off. I stayed up late the night before, slept in the following morning, relaxed with stuff to do all day and then went to a beautiful night Rockies game with Courtney. The seats were incredible, club level about as close to home plate as club level gets, the weather was perfect, warm even at 9 at night with a slight breeze, the Rockies won shutout style with Jennings on the mound and I got some good quality time in chatting it up with a great friend of mine.

- I've also discovered this week that I like my job. I don't look forward to it mind you but a little piece of me doesn't die everytime I have to go to work like I'm used to and I even took an extra hour yesterday just because I could.

- Tonight's Brittanys' time fell through but its not a disaster cause I'll see them on Saturday along with Jeff who I haven't seen since the dorm floor get together a couple weeks ago.

- Water World is looking good for tomorrow suprisingly enough. We've got a good group of people but I better knock on wood cause things have a tendancy to change pretty quickly. If I don't get a call from Michaela I'll give everyone a call just in case. I hope things go off without a hitch cause I'm getting pretty excited about that.

- Overall, I just really have nothing real substantial to say. I'm just happy that things are going right. This week's reminded me of my amazing last summer and though I don't expect the amazing times to hold out much longer, its nice to have even if just for now.

Closed Windows

- Man, my stomach hurts. Its a pain from something that's making me upset and I don't even know why. Well, I know why I'm upset, but I don't know why I'm letting it make me upset. I know exactly what it means and what the implications are and I'm confused about how I'm supposed to feel about those implications. I hate it and I love it and I'm afraid of it and I don't know what I'd be without it. I've set myself up for either bliss or the greatest fall of all time. And until something happens I'm gonna go through this many more times. This awkward confusion, constant second guessing and insecurities coupled with moments of unbridled confidence and an attitude of an at ease complacency. I'm turning into a walking contradiction. I want to know what happens in the next chapter of the book right now and even though that's not how things work in life, when I'm not reminded why I haven't given up already every few hours I get upset and anxious and irritable. I live for little things and occasionally people, usually my family, accidentally takes pieces of them away from me and I get set off. And then my stomach hurts.

- Anyway, tonight was fun. I saw Cliff and Jared and we hung out at Jason's. My heart wasn't really into pool and the car rides there and back were probably better than the actually hour we had the table rented. Being cramped in the back of Cliff's Integra talking and laughing with my boys is one of my favorite things in the entire world. Jared got a call from Jacquie, as usual, during one of our last couple games and came back from it fuming. Jacquie's dad apparently doesn't really like Jared and set an 11 curfew for whenever hes at her dad's house. Jared was upset about it and complained about the dad for the car ride back and after Cliff told me a story about when he filled in on the man's softball team I can't really argue that he is a character. Still, he's just being a dad and listening to the stories reminded me of some of my darker days with Audra and the effect it had on my family life. Jared's smarter than I was back then and I think some of his complaints are definantly valid but the errie resemblance to my experiences made me worry about him in the case everything with Jacquie might fall apart. The ride also showed me how I've changed since last summer and how Cliff and Jared have changed to. Its not good, its not bad, its just unusual to think about. They're still two of my best friends and I don't know what I'd do without them.

- I get to watch adult swim tonight cause there's no work tomorrow. I also get to sleep in and then there's the Rockies game with Courtney too and I can't wait. I haven't been to a game since the begining of summer break with Jeff and Kim and its going to be a lot of fun hanging out with C-Train. Water World Friday's still a solid maybe and Thursday Brittany's time fell through or if nothing else is on serious life support because gas wise, is doesn't make since if we're gonna hang out on Saturday anyway. Cliff and Jared might go on Saturday too along with Britt, Brittany, Jeff, and I and I'm excited about that possiblity. I think Cliff and Jared would mesh real well with the other three and people'd finally be able to put faces to names. Anybody else that wants to go just talk to me. Its cheap fun and is a great way to make a good summer memory.

- Ok, I've got the muncy's and Futurama is on. Goodnight.

I'm Okay

- So, at least for the week, I've got a social life again. Tonight was another good session of Sunday Night Basketball. I took Kyle's forehead right in my nose so thats feeling a little tender. John gave me some nice scratches on my chest and hands and my thighs are feeling shot since with only 3v3, a lot more running was required but its been awhile since I've felt so good. I got some good quality time with Cliff talking and laughing on the way there since the truck wasn't working and I forgot how much I really miss that. We understand each other in a way few people can claim. Tomorrow me, him, and Stephen are gonna hang out which I'm really looking foward to. Cliff wants to play pool but I think that's cruel considering Stephen's in a sling after surgery on his arms for the nerve damage he garnered snowboarding last November. Whatever we do, I can't wait. We haven't really completely hung out since the time we went to Estes and blew stuff up during the school year and its overdue.

- Tuesday Courtney said she had Rockies tickets and I jumped all over it. I never have a bad time hanging out with C-Train. I'm gonna miss her easy-goingness when she heads back up to Boston in the Fall. She's been my hang out buddy this summer and its saved me more than once from mindnumbing boredom and gave me a little more than work and sleep to remember from the summer.

- Wednesday I work late, which kills my night.

- Thursday is Brittany and Britt night. Those only really get better each time. Therapy for me if you will.

- Friday might be Water World. I really hope so. I'd give it a 50 percent change of actually happening this Friday and 80 percent of happening anytime period. It'd be nice if we could find a day and time when everyone could go including Jordan who's out of town right now but that'd be a miracle/an act of God and I think God has more important things to worry about than a trip to Water World.

- Saturday is the drive in with Britt, Brittany, and Jeff's even able to make it this time. I can't wait. I miss hanging out with him.

- And that's my coming week. Its good to stay busy. I love my friends. Both CSU and here. I love people I can talk to about stupid stuff and about real important stuff. People I can lay on the grass and watch the stars with. People I can play basketball and mess around with. People that will go to a movie with me on a dead Monday night. They're good to me. I hope I can be good to them too.

An Inconsistant Routine is Killing Me

- So the last few days have been a whole lot of nothing. Hanging out with the Brittany's was fun as usual and filled up my emotional gastank for another week. I worked yesterday and was cut really early which really put me in a good mood. That and the relaxing cloudy weather put me in one of those feelings where you really have nothing at all on your mind and you can just chill out. Everyone was going to get together that Friday night but I got a voicemail on my phone from Jenny that, as usual, most people canceled because things came up as the typically do and I was dissapointed but ok with it. My house was quiet and empty thanks to my family heading up to Breckenridge for the night and I considered seeing if anybody wanted to come over and do something mindless with me but my lazy nature got the best of me and I spent my Friday night relaxing, eating my free food from work, playing guitar, and really just enjoying one the few times in my life where I get to experience complete silence and calm.

- More of the same awaited me in the morning when I woke up and puttered around a little bit before work. Work was ok. My RM Amy came in half an hour before I was off and she was in a terrible terrible mood yelling at Raul mercilessly and anybody that looked at her wrong. I was glad her shift only overlapped mine a little and before long I was out of there back to my house. When I got back my family was home at they seemed a little high strung from the trip. I'm not to worried. I'll just keep my head down and bide my time like I've done all summer and plan do to for the rest of the summer. I was talking to Brittany yesterday about the summer time depression and I really hope that I'm not setting myself up for massive dissapointment come the fall. We reasoned through it and I think I'm safe but I'm just really not happy here and the thing thats keeping me going through my bland and often stressful summer is the hope of something better. I don't know what I'd do if that hope turned out to be empty.

- If nothing else I've got my weekly time with Britt and Brittany, the scattered times I see home friends, and the big annual summer Water World should be comming up here within the next two weeks. Michaela's planning that but I've got a bad feeling in my stomach that if I don't do something tomorrow that's got a pretty good chance of falling through like last night and I remember last year, that picked me up in a way nothing else could so I should get on that.

- Overall, I'm just ready for something better. And I know its comming. It always does.

I got called the breadstick god today. I don't think it's a good thing.

- So, I'm a fan of working back of the house. The verdict is still out on closing with while working the former. I also closed with another co-associate manager that doesn't have a power trip. After meeting the other associate managers I was afraid that having a power trip was part of the job requirements till I met this guy. He didn't make a big deal of little things and actually treated the other employees nicely. We even got in a little bonding time making fun of the AM Stephanie and how anal and wierd she was. It was a breath of fresh air.

- I'm also a fan of warm summer nights for backyard guitar sessions. I played for a good two hours last night and I've written a new song that I like a lot. I'm still fine tuning it but it hit the spot of where I was mentally last night.

- I've got the day off tomorrow and thats a good thing. Its Brittanys' hang out day and it feels long overdue.

- But now, bedtime.

"The hardest part is not figuring out who we're supposed to be, its being content with who we are."

Basketball, Cars, and Whipped Cream.

- Good times. Basketball with the boys yesterday was, like always, a great time. And tonight Courtney said she had tonight off so I gave Jenny B a call and the three of us made our way to the Chinese Mann (It'll always be the Chinese Mann to me, no matter if the name changed or not) to see Cars. I may be a loser, but it was one of my favorite Pixar movies to date. The opening short film was to die for, the moral of the real movie was one I find incredibly relevant, it had the quirky Pixar since of humor that had me doubling over with jokes I didn't see coming, it had one of my favorite songs of all time, "Life is a Highway" along with an exlusive John Mayer track (I'll probably end up buying the soundtrack) and most beautiful of all was a well placed "Freebird" joke that I'm going to be laughing about for a couple of weeks. And probably the thing that made it the most enjoyable was the company. I find that when I see movies for the first time with people I enjoy being around, I tend to like them a lot more than movies that I see just for the sake of watching a movie. Its a wierd facit of my personality. If I've ever watched a movie with you and found a "new favorite movie", you are probably real good company. Anyway, it was a blast just chillin with C-Train and JB (newly christened nickname, Sharona, make it stick people). After the movie we went to the Sonic I've been going to since I was 11 where I ate a supposed icecream shake that tasted like concentrated whip cream and we just shot the breeze for about an hour and a half about everything from the old days, to how Jon isn't really BLACK black, to college stories, to what makes a person a tool, and on and on. It was fun and it really picked me up. Sometimes all a person needs after a weekend of work is a couple hours with old friends just laughing and enjoying maybe some of the last times we're going to get to hang out. When I'm 40, I'm not going to remember working 4 hours on a busy Monday afternoon. I'm going to remember the good times with good people and the things that, in the end after everything is said and done, are the only things that matter.

The Myspace Blues

- So, I've got a confession to make. Shortly after I had my wisdom teeth pulled, boredom convinced me to join myspace.com. I swore I'd only stick around for a week or two before deleting my account but here I am about a month later and its still up. I hate it, but I don't delete it because it fascinates me. Profile after profile of roughly the same the thing, a flattering and unrealistic picture, often closeup to make getting a real idea about how the person looks impossible, coupled with busy overstimulating backgrounds and survey/quiz results that don't display any real information about people, just information they would like to be true about them. People race to see who can get the most friends (I've gotten friend requests from people I haven't talked to in years or who, if I saw them on the street, I probably wouldn't know who they were) and post countless bulletins begging for people to comment them or thier pictures to provide an illusion of an unrealistically active social life. They complain and whine over recieving or not recieving spots in the "Top 8", a feature that ranks a persons friends in the importance in thier life and its even gotten to the point where some people use the site to meet people and, at the same time, to break up with people. The funny thing about all of it though is that I've gotten sucked into it. Mind you I don't try to pad my friends number or comments or anything like that (I save that for facebook ;) ) but I caught myself filling out a survey today when I had a half hour to kill. I think there's a certain narcisism to it, much like keeping an online blog, that people care what you think about X or what kind of animal you would be in another life or that others want to read line after line of inside jokes between your friends capped off with serveral lol's and bff's. I really hope these myspace morals won't carry out into real life. I'm afraid of living in a society where people are completely inwardly focused and make friends not with an attitude of maintaining meaningful relationships, but instead to make themselves look better.

- Myspace also offers another unique feature that makes it hard for me to just quit and be done with it. I get a look into the lives and minds of people I probably wouldn't really have a chance to get to know otherwise. Myspace more or less expects people to provide information about themselves in a quick cut and dry manner that a couple years ago would require, oh say, getting to know the person and trusting them before you would learn them. I was reading the profile of a certain preteen boy that I know that added me and things I read suprised me. Apparently, 13 year old boys are drinking and doing drugs these days as well as getting girlfriends and falling "in love". He may be lying, I understand that, but this is a kid I always saw as a good kid and even the fact that he needs to feel pressured to act, or pretend to act, in ways way older and darker than him is kinda disturbing.

- Don't get me wrong, I'm not better than myspace. I mean, I've still got an account and I'll admit I check it everytime I check my email and this stupid online blog provides for me many of the same things myspace profiles do, I just hope it doesn't replace true friendship with a hollow substitute and maybe that people won't take it so seriously. Its fun. But its not important. I hope nobody forgets that.

- And thats my two cents.

Ho Hum

- So, I've found my niche in the summer. I work a little bit. And I sit around. A lot. And every now and then I'll hang out with friends from home. I'm glad I've got my weekly time with Britt and Brittany. Its the only real consistant social interaction I have. I see everyone else in spurts, but I never know when I'm going to be the only one not working on some random thursday night so I never really get my hopes up for anything and I've found a way to keep somewhat busy in the slow times.

- I sat down and figured out my financial situation yesterday. Its looking pretty good right now if things don't change too drasticaly. I've already got some money saved up but disregarding that, I'm going to be able to pay off my dad in about a month or a half to two months and I'll still have a little bit left over to make the house next year a home as well as make myself a rainy day fun. I'm going to have to learn to deal with banks again after about a year and half of bank stress free fun. I'm not to happy about that but my bank account is the only way that I can keep all my finances organized.

- Other than that I guess I'm doing ok. Work's getting easier now that I'm understanding everything I'm doing. I've got big plans for the fall and barring some kind of big fall out of everything and everyone I know and love, it could be more or less, the start of my adult life. I'm more than ready.

Its Good to be a Guy

- 4th in a row. Its ok cause its going to be short and I feel the last one was too mellow, and I'm really not a big whiner and that philosophical teen angst banter isn't the only thing going on in my head.

- I just want to say, that without my boys I'd go crazy. After I got off from work, 11 of us, Jordan, Cliff, Jared, Jon, Jarett, Tyler, Austin, Cole, Gnomes, Kyle, and I played 3 intense games of full court basketball and I must say it was good for my soul. Its been awhile since I sweated so much and I'm still rolling off the endorphines. I hope we can make this happen ever Sunday night cause its a real good way to start off my week.

- Thats all. Work tomorrow and then three days off. Hopefully I can fill em with fun. Tuesday I'm going to the driving range with Cliff and hanging out once it gets to dark and maybe I can catch people that also are off for some good times. I stink. Shower, then bed time.

Time Poorly Spent

- 3rd post in as many days. Man, this is out of control.

- So, I'm going to start this off with a disclaimer. If you have anything better to do right now, don't waste your time reading this. I doubt I even will anytime after I finish writing it. I'm in a mood right now that wants to pick at my brain a little and slow down racing thoughts and I promise I don't consider myself any kind of Aristotle. Theres nothing enlightened here and nothing beyond a mesh of poorly woven sophmoric ramblings, but if you want to take a trip through my mind, hop on board and enjoy the trip.

- My life thus far has been a quest for intimacy. A lifelong search for intimacy with both others and with God and as I was tracing this theory over in my head a little earlier tonight, I discovered that everything in my life that has brought me an intense level of joy has come when I've found a piece of it here and there. But lets take a step back so maybe what the heck I'm talking about might make a bit more sense. Or at least see a little bit of where I'm coming from.

- A couple days ago my uncle on my mom's side and his wife both attempted suicide. The reasons are complex involving a troubled marriage combined with affairs and depression but thats not important. My only memories of my uncle are from my distant childhood when he was an entirely different man and if it wasn't for the lingering scab from Linsey's suicide this last fall, this would have been merely a sidenote to be forgotten and neglected to some unused part of my memory. But I do have close personal experience with suicide, and this hit me hard and knocked me back a little bit. As I was sitting there listening to my mom tell my dad about her conversation with Scott and the details of what lead to the try and the taxi driver that saved his life, everything that I was doing right then suddenly lost all the meaning that in my friviolous nature I gave it. There was a new triviality to things I had 4 mins ago treasured and a new piece of respect for my mom replaced it. Her and her brother were never really close due to their upbringing. She actually told me they hadn't spoken verbally in around 10 years and here he comes out of nowhere on the brink of destruction and she takes him right in with a type of true love I hope someday I can learn to give. She offered an ear to listen when the rest of his own family including his parents had thrown him away. I honestly bieleve she's the only reason he hadn't finished the job as soon as he conned his way out of the hospital. My mom is my hero and I know I can always go to her if I ever get in a jam I can't get out of. This to me is intimacy. I have it with her along with a type of true love and a bond I'll never lose and I crave this status everywhere in my life. I crave it in every relationship I have and it is, to me, the thing that makes some of the bonds I have with some people stronger than the bonds I have with others. There are even a few specific friends of mine that, though they may not know it, I value them as some of the best friends I have. The epitome of a soulmate for me is that one person that I can bare all with. That person that I can call at 3 in the morning in a destroyed state and they would get it, whatever it would be. I think it's tragic that an inherrant part of human nature is utter selfishness (In me to. I hardly consider myself better than anyone. Especially in selfishness.) and intimacy and love is crushed by people not able to put themselves, thier opinions, bielefs, and goals aside for a second to offer themselves in utter service to someone else. Intimacy is not impossible and it shows in some relationships of mine only to get stronger with every day and experience.

- Those are a few of the things that have been floating around my mind for the last couple of days and this particular topic's been upfront enough that it's even made its way into my dreams. I wish everyone could understand how terrible I am with showing I care about everyone I know, but at the same time how much I truely and honestly do even if the only people that hear me are the random scatterings that drop by this stupid blog every now and then. People come and go in my life, a few stay around, but I never forget anyone and if I had one wish to give right now it's that my life would positively impact everyone that I touch. I don't have that wish unfortunantly, so I'm just going to have to go live my life like I mean it. I love ya'll.

- Jay

Old School Good Times

- Its good to be home. Sometimes I forget that I did spend my adolescence here and there's a reason that theres always going to be a part of me that misses this place.

- Jordan's back from Texas and man, he's the same old Jordan he always was. Me, him, and Courtney went to my neighborhood pool for some good cheap fun on a hot day and it was a really good time. We were laughing and horsing around and I think we might have irrated some mean looking high school girls with our good times but I'm not in high school anymore and its not part of my contract anymore to look annoyed and self-conscious all the time just because everyone else is. We went to Chipotle after that even though I wasn't really hungry, Chipotle never tastes bad. I went home for about an hour and a half and took a quick siesta before Cliff, Jared, Jordan, Jenny, and Courtney showed up for a night of unplanned good times. We messed around with the DDR pads in the basement for a little bit and sat down to play some board games when we realized nobody was really in the mood for being inside, so we headed off to the park near Fox Hollow and hung out for awhile laughing till I almost fell over at a dizzy Cliff trying to get off a little gravitron ride in the park. After dark we played kick the can for a couple hours until 11. That really took me back about 5 years but it was welcome and suprisingly a great time for a bunch of 19 and 20 year olds. Soft serve icecream at McDonalds after that and a try at a movie that kinda fizzled out due to depressed girlfriends and fatigue.

- These are the good times I'm gonna miss so much about home. The things these people have done for me over the years are priceless and I hope distance won't destroy the bonds. Bed time. I've got work tomorrow.

Who Made up the Acronym C.O.R.E.?

- So it turns out all my worrying was for nothing. I ended up calling work shortly after that post and found out that I had gotten the job. I went to orientation last night and finished all the basic background check and watched a lame hour and a half video on customer service. I've got a new job related concern now and its that my boss doesn't understand that I'm going to be leaving at the end of the summer. Apparently, managers get evaluated every six months and she gave me an example check list of the things they get graded on and at the top she wrote, these are a few of the things you'll be evaluated on in six months. Hmm... Does she know I'm going to be there for three? I put it on my application. I also put on my application I'm a full time student at CSU and you think that'd mean to her that I've gotta head back to the FC at the end of summer. I figure I'm not going to worry about it. Saturday I'm training to be an Associate Trainer and maybe if I still think she doesn't get the big picture I'll let her know before I start the Associate Manager training. I also think part of that is me being somewhat overwhelmed at the quantity of information I'm going to have to learn to become an Associate Manager. I have to be trained in every position in the store and attend several seminars and classes to get certified and its a lot of stuff to learn. I don't think I'd mind it so much if I was planning on sticking around for more than the summer or even if I was planning on comming back to A-Town next summer to pick up where I left off. But I'm not going to worry about it for now. At least I have a job. Having to powerful of a position is a good problem to have.

- This weekend really started off fast after I got back from that. Right after orientation I hopped in a car with Britt and we took off to Westminster to hang out with Brittany. It was a really good time. We didn't do much, just hung out and talked and laughed and watched movies but it was just what I needed. I got back late and went to bed around three and when I woke up again my parents and Jodi were getting ready to go to Body Worlds at the Denver museum. It was ok. It was really crowded and that frustrated me and my attention span doesn't work real well with an exhibit like that but it was good to spend time with the family and there were a couple things that were really interesting.

- The rest of the weekend's gonna be good to. Jordan's back in town and C-Train has the night off so whenever I get a hold of Jordan we're gonna hang out again and that can't be anything but a good time. I work my first official shift be it training tomorrow from noon to five and straight out of that I'm going to dinner with Kim, Jeff, Britt, Kristin, Brittany, and whoever else of the college friends decides to show up. It'll be the first get together with more than two or three of us at a time since the end of the school year so that should be a lot of fun.

- So, all in all, the summer's just picked up pace. Working is gonna give me less time to be bored and before I know it the school year's going to start and, in a way, my adult life is going to begin. Here we go.