Of my life and my heart no more

- What a good weekend. I was barely social. I watched movies, went to Durrell a few times, slept a lot, played water basketball and raquetball (from which I have huge toe size blisters to enjoy) and more or less I just hid from my problems. Nothing could get me away from them though and I always knew that. The fact that I was hiding didn't do anything to stop the bad news from comming. But now I'm re-energized in a way I can't describe. I already know this week is going to be bad, but theres no way it'll be as bad as last week and this time I'm prepared. I'm dug in and I'm ready to turn the next page in my life. I am ready not just for this week but for the next couple months. A couple of months that are going to have drastic signifigance in the story of my life.

- I am so excited for these hard times because I know that along with the powers inside of me, I can handle this. Not only can I handle this but I'm going to come out forged of something a conflict free life can provide.

- Bring on the rain.

Back of my Mind

- Its been 10 days since I posted and thats no good. After a really hard week of school I'm finishing a fairly uneventful Friday and I'm not going to lie, I'm really excited about the concept of sleeping in late into the morning. I did a lot of things poorly this week and there's not much more appealing than just letting go of worrying and stress and whatever I have going on for a couple hours. I take a lot of naps up here and I guess this appeal is the reason why. I get so overstimulated and overstressed about stuff I shouldn't and its nice to shut down. In a way I'm jealous of Tyler and Brittany and all the others that go home every week because just having a change of scenery is often enough to fill the batery back up.

- I applied to work at Copper for the week of my spring break, possibly with Adam. It pays about 8 dollars and hour but logging is just 9 bucks a night for employees and the benefits are amazing. Really, its just an excuse to get payed for spending a week enjoying myself away the stress of both school and home.

- I've got a lot to look foward to but I'm having trouble looking past all the things bugging me. Its time to crack down. This week is officially crack down week. We'll see how well that goes.

The Calm Before the Storm (Figuratively and Metaphorically)

- I'm still grumpy but thanks to incredible friends that support me with direct, purposeful things like talking to me when I just need to unload or just entertain me to keep my mind off the things draggin' me down and the other equally important things people do that they don't even realize they're doing. You know, just little things they do to pick me up. I've figured out and I am owning up to the thing thats been dragging me down like an anchor over the last week but I figure I need to sleep on it before I make any rash decisions. Really, that just means that I don't want to do it cause its going to take me out of my comfort zone but as a friend I was talking to about it tonight said, I already know what I have to do and all the reasoning in the world to get out of it isn't going to make things better.

- Happy Valentine's day everyone. I love all of you and I honestly wouldn't be anything without you guys. Weather you're across the country from me or right next door, all ya'll shape me for the better and for that I owe ya'll so much. Thank you.

3 hours away from CSU

- I'm grumpy today. I know why and it frustrates me because its stupid. A small piece of my grumpiness is having to come back down off an incredible weekend. Me, Joel, Adam, Bryan, Katie, Laura, and Bri decided this was a good weekend to get away so we booked a condo in Fraiser, CO and spent two days skiing in Copper and just hanging out. It was a lot of fun and I feel closer to every one that went. The real piece of my bad mood started when I got hit with reality when I got back. For whatever reason I got really irratable and tired and the fact that I'm sick with a stupid lingering cough/cold only gave me another excuse to withdraw from life. I'm not to concerned about it though. I think everyone needs to be in a bad mood every now and then as long as the bad mood doesn't dominate your life and you don't treat people around you poorly because of it. When I get grumpy I get quiet and force myself to respond civily when people force me out of my black little rain cloud. Besides, even though I hate to admit it, it feels good. Pity parties are fun however juvenile they may be.

- I love the moutains, the city lights early in the morning, the car ride back from skiing and a genuine smile. These are a few things that have made me happy this week.

Denver Lights

- I had a good weekend. Its frustrating visiting home these days since my dad's been getting a little less patient as hes gotten older, but theres not to much that will prepare you better for your next week of school than going home. And really, I would do it just for the drive. Life these days is so busy that any chance I have to organize my thoughts and lose myself in music and memories is something that leaves me feeling alive and real. I was chewing through this sensation when the lyrics to one of the songs I was listening to struck me and just intensified the feeling.

Heaven's that moment in life when you feel alive
So live for the moment
And take this advice,
live by every word
Love's completely real,
so forget anything that you've heard
And live for the moment now

- This whole conincidence of the mind and music happened at the same time as I came over the hill on 270 and saw the sea Denver lights and it hit me as one of those times in life where you don't have any worries left in your mind and just let go and enjoy the moment. In 19 years I've lived a very full and blessed life and if I was to die tomorrow, I could die fulfilled, not because of something stupid like a drive from Denver to Fort Collins but because of all the good things my life has been filled with and more importantly, all the amazing people in my life that make waking up in the morning something I look foward to.

- I've got a tough week remaining of school ahead of me, but you know what? It'll be ok. Theres always worse things in life but thats not what should keep us going. It should be the fact that there's better things in life. The fact that no matter how bad things get, theres always a light at the end of the tunnel. Thats how you live for the moment.