Coming up next...

- I love jazz music. I was on my mail route the other day. It was beautiful outside so I rolled down the windows, slowed down a bit, and tuned the van's radio onto one of my favorite stations 89.3 KUVO. Its a commercial free jazz station that really knows its stuff. I turned it on just in time for one of my favorite Dizzy Gillespie tunes, followed by some floutist I'd never heard of and a Coltrane tune before the DJ cut in. I love jazz music, I do, but one of the main reasons why I listen to the station is for the DJs. They're so stereotypical but really good at describing the music. In a velvety voice he started a long jive of carefully constructed words that almost had a muscial quality of their own. He described the song coming up as "a tasty trounce through the mind and world of the great one, the late one, Miles Davis". And God help me he was right. There was no other word to describe the song but tasty. I just melted into the music and it made my day. I wish I could be that cool, I really do. Just the way he talks driped of cool, calm, and hip without coming across as cheesy.

- I don't think many people appreciate a good jazz DJ as much as me. Thats too bad. Listen to KUVO. Unless its during one of their pledge drives. Those suck.

Noted

- Note to self: Don't go to the library late Feburary on a Sunday night to study Managment. You won't end up doing much studying. Don't waste your time.

Stubborn Harmony

- Wow. How am I supposed to react to that? It makes me a combination of really sad and really angry, yet really powerless to help. That feeling of being useless every now and then is something that is taking getting used to in my life in general. I don't think I have less control over the situations, I just think I'm just coming to terms with the fact that they don't belong to me and as much as I'd like to, I can't help. Or maybe I can. Maybe I can just stop being so incredibly selfish. The biggest thing on my mind throughout was how self absorbed I've been recently. I may not be able to fix anybodies problems but that doesn't mean I can't be around to help out. I'm glad I'm home. And I'm glad I decided not to go to bed right away even though its pushing 2 as I'm writing this.

- Seeing the Denver skyline pop up over the hill as I headed down 25 south followed by the lights blanketing commerce city had an unusual effect on me. They weren't welcome. The ingredients were there; traffic was light, the music was good, the car was running smooth, my thoughts were roaming, yet for the first time since I started that drive, I resented all of it. I know why. I won't let my mind take this from me. It has before but it won't again.

- In other news I'm glad she misses me. I want her to have a good time in Reno but if she didn't miss me or if I didn't believe her when she told me she does I'd be less comfortable with how upset I am that I'm not with her. Its a long forgotten feeling I'm rediscovering and its an uncomfortable ride. Weird that I'm loving every minute of it.

- What a weird day. Over the last 24 hours I've been in, to my count, nine or so completely different situations. From catching up with a friend to an old school movie night to work to a contemplative drive to a party to class to listening to music in my room in FoCo, to being angry at Qdoba (again), to driving with Jeff to Greely, to here sitting in my old chair late night at home and actually a few more I won't waste time mentioning. Its a full weeks activities crammed into a day. And if you can't tell by the shifting tones in this post, I've got a mood to match each one.

- But one mood prevails in my life over all others: Life is good. I'm sure there'll be times over this next week that I'm down, but even then, life is good.

Leaving the Light On

- It was a weekend of highs and lows. The highs were really high and the lows were really low. I wish there was just more time in the weekend. I feel I let a few people down thanks to this time crunch and a few other factors; some in my control and some not. One of those people is my mom. Hopefully I can make it up to her this weekend since I'm finally going home for the first time this semester.

- I got a random call a couple days ago from Tiff. It was unexpected but well timed. We talked for a long time, especially for me. I was kind of having a rough day and had a few thing weighing on my mind but she talked me through them and I felt better. I made quite a few really good friends this summer, one ironically called me in the middle of writing this, but for some reason she and I hit it off as friends in a really unique way. It was nice catching up.

- I'm a creature of habit. In a bad way. Its none of my business. It shouldn't matter to me so why does it? I really don't want to start down that road again. Especially with the way things in general are progressing for me. I feel like I'm living in a Texas two step. This is the step back. Hopefully its only going to be a little one though. Life's too damn confusing for me sometimes.

- Balls. Well at least I talked myself out of that one.

Midsight

- The human body is incredible. Its ability to gather and process information and the complexity required for us to respond to our environment is absolutely amazing. The more I learn about these processes and the very fine details involved with them the more I can't see how anybody can believe we are who we are; mind, body, and soul by accident. From an engineering perspective we are very fine instruments and with each new complexity I learn, the harder it becomes for me to accept on evolutionary faith that we could have to come together so perfectly and precisely like we did as a species. Its just overall to much to stomach to believe the blunt hammer of nature shaped us like this.

- Even though having to learn about all the tiny processes come together in such sometimes minute and fragile ways is wearing on me stress wise in my studying demands, its fun learning something I don't already know from decades of science classes in the past. Fascinating stuff.

- I realize that I'm kind of a nerd when it comes to really enjoying the things that I learn in my classes and not everybody shares my curiosity on the subject but my recent studying for my Sensation and Perception test on Thursday has these things on my mind and I felt I just had to let it out.

- Anyway, beyond my schoolwork, life is really weighing on me this week. It’s not bad, but it’s defiantly not good and I'm approaching the situation with caution. I don't know why I go digging to make my life difficult sometimes. I think deep down I have a few questions left unanswered that I save somewhere just to give me a place to start over if my life, for whatever reason, chooses to fall apart. A defense mechanism if you will. The trouble with that is if I let it, it can shake the foundations of what I already have. I'm pretty sure this time around, however, I'm not going to let it. After the initial shock wore off I stopped and thought about the effect it had on me. The only reason why it was so surprising was because it’s something I haven't given a care to for almost a year now. And that makes me happy. And determined. I am who I'm becoming, not who I was. Yeah, it’s risky. I'm putting a lot of eggs in this basket, but I think if I'm ever to develop into my full potential I need to take this chance, hell or high water. Perfect isn't going to happen because perfect isn't real. My moment is good and I need to appreciate it as such. I’ll just keep my head down and not let my mind wander into places I know won't make me happy.

- I know I can do this. I know it. If I can't I'm doomed to be a creature of habit and patterns and that will only lead to my destruction. That’s a pretty bold statement but I believe it sincerely and I’m determined not to let it happen.

- My life is good. I just wish sometimes I wouldn't be my own worst enemy.

Finding Satisfaction

- Man. I feel like somebody hit me with a sack of bricks. Sleep is coming sparingly these days and I take it when I can get it but man oh man am I out of it right now. Its so worth it. I'm suprising even myself by how easily I'm settling into my element in life.

- Kimbre was telling me about a philosophy paper she wrote that stuck her with the task of defining herself and all the complicated issues that entitles. It's an interesting thing to think about, trying to put down on paper who you are and its been something thats been on my mind all day. The person I am today is a cumulation of everything I've been through in my life filtered through the perspective I've gained that I use towards defining those experiences. That doesn't make any sense but its the best I can do in my current state. Recently I've been going back and reading my posts from the date a year and two years back. It provides me with a lot of insight into the experiences that define me.

- I like how things are going. I understand that they won't always be as smooth as they are right now, both with Kimbre and in life in general but after looking for a long time I've found a pattern of life that really works for me and I'm prepared to be as flexible as I need to keep it. I only wish there was one extra day in the week so I could find more time to visit home and recharge my family battery more often but soon enough I think I'll get the chance.

- Sorry for the weird/boring post. This really didn't come out like I intended but I'm posting it anyway.

- Regardless, I'm ready to launch into another week.

---------------------

Let You Through

Dan Gonzalez

---------------------

I wore my skin

Like shoes

Crusted and cracked by the blacktop

Scratched up from years of abuse

And wearing thin

In the grooves where the water beads and drops

I never let you through

-

You wore your eyes

Like stained glass

Brilliant and blind from the sun

Filled in with colors to last

But showing signs

Of fading hues where the blues and greens used to run

You let me see right through

-

Into the rooms of your soul where I unpacked my clothes

And moved in

And I left through your eyes again

When you asked me to sit down and tell you what I had to give

-

I wear my skin

Like chains

Loosened and hanging off my bones

Heavy and dripping with age

And what might have been

If I knew how it feels to grow old alone

I wish I’d let you through

-

- Beautiful song.

Luckiest

- I'm a happy guy. Over the last year or so I've figured out what it was that was holding me down and since then things have just turned up for me starting with getting away from it all for the summer in New Hampshire. Right now I've got a job that I enjoy, pays me enough, and gives me great hours. I've got friends that I love and trust and have the time of my life with everytime we I hang out. I've got a girlfriend that I can't seem to get enough of and roommates that I consider some of my all time very best friends. I go on grand adventures that expand my horizon and yet I'm still laying the foundation to be sucessful after this crazy party called college is over.

- God's been good. The bad times'll come sure enough but I'm just kind of enjoying the moment and I'll deal with those when they get here.