All at Once

- Roles are changing right in front of me. Its a beautiful but at the same time a really scary thing. I can imagine my fall to the very detail but I press on anyway. I'm feel like my life is some stupid cliff hanger tv show like 24 or Lost that never seems to resolve itself but still I'm strapped with curiousity as to whats gonna happen next. Its cool. Thats the way life should be.

- I spent the weekend down in Pueblo celebrating Brice's bachlor party, hanging out with Kimbre's family and staying for her home birthday barbeque. After that I spent a couple days at home with my family goofing around and getting nothing done and really, it all makes me not want to go back to work on Monday.

- I took Kimbre out for her 22nd birthday yesterday and man did she look nice. I don't think I told her as much as I should have. Its incredible the way she is still able to floor me with her beauty after how long we've been together. And its more than just the way she looks. Its the effect she has on me. I can't explain it but its powerful and really something special. There's only so much control I have over the situation but I have faith this is something God provided for me and I hope its in His plan that I get to keep it.

- I'm going camping tonight with the old crew up in our usual spot in Estes. Cliff, Stephen, John, Jared, Jordan, Austin, Cole, and Jeff are all rumored to be there and with a group like that you know its going to be a good time.

- I'm a little bit depressed. I fell in love on Tuesday but had to let her go. She was beautiful. Spanish made. Gold plated fret board with ivory tuning knobs. The body was a deep rich oak and the sound overwhelmed me from across the room when I first heard her being played. I waited my turn to play and spent a good hour playing her in the humidifed room at guitar center. I checked the price and it was in reach, on sale for 299$, cut from the original listed price of about 700. I've been in the market for a good classical guitar and it was nail on the head what I wanted. I made a deal with myself though. If its still there in a month when I will have more than enough to buy it I'll buy it. A guitar like that though at a price like that my hopes aren't too high.

- So really, nothing of substance in this post. I'm exhausted and that could be contributing to it. Its been an amazing summer so far and only looks to get better.

Broseph

- This summer's keeping me real busy. Busier even on my week off from work than the first week of summer where I was working full time. Its good though. I'm happy. Hopefully not just distracted but even if I am thats a stupid thing to dwell on. Maybe I'll find a chance to update. Or maybe I'll go back to a paper journal that is a little less reliant on me being internet accessible. The old school writing has its advantages but so does this thing. We'll see. I hope to update soon regardless. Theres a lot going on that I want to remember.

Francis improves to 1-4

- Summer's here. And its hot. Like really hot. Jeans were a poor choice for work today. I learned my lesson though. It would have been nice if they had the insight to close the doors and turn on the air conditioning earlier than with five minutes left to 4. Its good though. Today was the first shift longer than 4 hours, not counting camp, that I've worked since high school and it went pretty well. I like my job and it goes by pretty quick since I stay busy during the chunk of my day that would probably be given to sleep and maybe a bike ride or two if I wasn't working. The money is going to be nice too. Its fun that I can buy most things that I want and I still have cash left over. It seems that these days there are less material things that I actually want in the first place and my impulsive spending habits of high school have given way to responsible spending.

- In other news we have a cat now. We've actually had him for a couple weeks now. He followed Kimbre and Chrissy home and they were having trouble finding a place for him so we ended up taking him. We named him Tulo after injured Rockies shortstop Troy Tulowitzki. He can be a handful at times but overall its really rewarding having a pet. I'm training him to kill.

- Things with Kimbre are good. We had some problems over a pretty petty miscommunication this weekend which made the start a little rocky but after we were done freaking each other out and realized how stupid the whole thing was we ended up having a really great weekend together. It was the kind of weekend that lingers in your mind even after its over. At the Rockies game Sunday with her, Jeff, and Chrissy, I had one of the moments that come ever now and then where you just sit there and soak up how good life is. The Rockies were winning, it was a beautiful summer afternoon, we were behind home plate but high enough that we were also in the shade and having no classwork to worry about was the cherry on top. Kimbre and I are coming up on half a year soon. Crazy how the time can fly.

- A few more days of work then I get a week off to really start this summer off right. I'm excited. I really am.

Crash Test

- I had a very vivid dream last night and when I woke up this morning this poem wrote itself in my mind. It was one of those dreams where I'm halfway between conciousness and sleep and I wake up feeling as if it had actually happened and confusion hits me when I realize it didn't. Well, here it is:

-------------

Crash Test

--------------

He calmly waits

With furrowed brow

Clenching tightly to the letter

Sand up his legs

Hes happy now

-

The car pulls up

He sits on down

And through the countryside they wind

Around the bend into the town

-

Engulfed, however, in this letter

Oblivious to all around

A hope in him things will get better

-

Thats when they hit

The screeching sound

The violent jerk

It all slows down

-

Thrown from his seat

The airbag pops

Twisted metal

A sudden stop

-

Smoke in the air

His letter gone

The whole thing caught him unaware

-

Bandages around his head

He wakes up in the hospital

His mother presumed him dead

-

But up he stands inside this room

"I feel just fine, I want to go"

"Lay down my son, you're badly hurt

Relax a while, you'll be better soon"

-

Instead he grabs his clothes

Walks out the door

And runs back to the town

Bandages wrap his head no more

-

The cars are gone but not the glass

Still traffic moves just as before

Defeated he falls down on the grass

-

"The letters gone"

What could he do?

He needed it

He needed you

-

For years and years

He wouldn't drive

Never did he get too far

From the only place that he felt alive

-

The crash had more than corpal cost

The world moved on while still he sat

As if he died, he still felt lost

-

But then one day he got out of bed

Walked out the door holding his keys

Despite a ringing in his head

-

He sat on down behind the wheel

Turned the keys and drove away

Through the canyon trail he rode

Simply soaking in the day

-

The first time in years he felt alive

The pistons churning

The gear in five

-

The sun was warm

The wheel was hot

He was reborn

-

The corner blind

The driver drunk

Back from the war

Who would have thunk

-

Crossing the line

The breakpads squeeled

In one quick motion

He jerked the wheel

-

Off the road his car did slide

Hanging over the countryside

-

His fate uncertain

His future there

Was hanging with him

By a hair

-

His life had passed him by

Afraid to live

Afraid to die

Are you happy now?

I'll use the rubber on my shoes to erase all that I've done

And if I just keep adding miles and miles I can erase all I've done wrong

Some people write their novels with ink and a ball point pen

But I'll use the rubber on my shoes til the streets and rivers end

-

- Another great weekend. They seem to be becoming more frequent and more consistent. I never saw this coming, but I wouldn't trade it for hardly anything. Those times where I just lay there absorbed in my moment floor me and my normal overactive mind concedes to my happiness. Pure, simple, unadulterated, unevaluated happiness.

-

- I'll update soon I promise. I just need to get through finals first. I have things I want to talk about as soon as I can find the time.

The People

- I feel safe again. I'm not sure if thats a good thing or not. I can be a creature of habits. My habits are comfortable and familiar and give me control, even if for just a little bit. They may hold me back from developing into who I really should be though. I've found the greatest things in my life have come from me living outside of my box for a time. Doing so has gotten me beat up and bruised a bit but its usually worth it. Its just a tiring thing to maintain all the time. This hypothetical box should begin to shift a little right? I should be finding a new box. Maybe not. I don't know.

- A week from now I'll be done with school. I can't wait. Dead week has, for better or worse, been a taste of summer so far with all the nice weather and free time to do what I want. Its really nice. Old Chicago's last night was a long time coming. We stayed later than we normally do, half cause Brittany and Julie were late and half cause we just lost track of time. Our favorite waiters Dan and Bryan even made fun of us being us past our bedtime. We hate them but adore them at the same time. Its fun being a regular there. It really helps in the sense of home here in Fort Collins.

- I've got something to look foward to every night this week. Sweet.

The kind of moments

- I didn't think it'd feel as good as it does to be home. It feels really good. I know I bought Jenna's love with a late birthday gift in the form of a computer game, but it still pretty cool to have her waiting anxiously for me to get home. The ride home with Jessie was good. We had a good talk about this and that, really just a lot of me ranting. Its good to rant every now and then. Organized thought gets exausting. My family cracks me up and I love them. I miss being here.

- And then there was the nostalgia. There's always nostalgia when I come back to Aroura. I start thinking about growing up here in this house and all things I've gone through and experienced. Jessie asked me on the way home whatever happened to Audra and telling her the part of the story she didn't know really got me thinking about how far I've come since then; how much has happened to me and all the people, Audra on, that have had a hand in shaping me. I don't know why I do it to myself. These trips through my past are getting old. I read into things way too much. I always think about the what if and the maybe's and possibilities, no matter how unlikely. A perfectly harmless statement. A stupid hypothetical. Its all a waste of time. Been there done that. It doesn't take much to get me going but its been getting easier to get me to stop. I think thats a good sign that I'm back in control of things. I'm a control freak.

- Two more weeks until school is out for the summer including finals. Just one week for Kimbre. She and I have big plans and all the free time I'll finally have is something to really look foward to. My boss at the mail center is carving out my hours for this summer which accomodate my request for Fridays off giving me a three day weekend every week. I'll probably be driving a lot since Rod is starting chemo in a couple weeks. I hope it all goes well for him. Cancer has really shown him he has a lot that he wants to live for. He'll be fine. Hes a fighter. He told me yesterday that it'll take more than a "little lump in his neck" to stop him from watching his daughter grow up. I also agreed to keep working on the psychological research study I'm helping out with now into May. The whole thing has been pretty low key and not too demanding to date so I don't mind helping out a little bit longer. Dr. Byrne is a great connection to have and this study has really helped me get a foot in the door with her. Really, I'm just ready for summer to be here. Things aren't bad now but the chance to slow down and breath will be nice.

- Just a chance to breath. Thats it. Lifes good.