The Power of Knocking on Wood

- Ahh, my blogging chair. This blue lazy boy and I have had some good times over the years. Yes, I'm home. Again. My scattered plans fell through for tonight and I decided that since driving at night has always been more enjoyable for me, traffic and otherwise, that I'd just make an early weekend out of it and head back seeing as I need to do some aerting tomorrow anyway. Really, the drive was just half of it. I love being here and being lonely is hard when you're surrounded by 6 other people all buzzing about doing their own things.

- I found my old Fountains of Wayne CD a couple days ago and I've been listening to it a little here and there. Yes, thats the group that did the Stacy's Mom song, something I've always resented them for, but their other music was never really that bad. It was unique if nothing else. As I listened to it, I realized I really had outgrown it, but half the appeal was the history of the CD itself. I got it for either my 16th or 17th birthday from a girl I liked and was unofficially involved with, but thats another long and uninteresting story. My mind wandered through the CD and a number of other things loosely related and in retrospect though it was a good perspective check. I'm not sure exactly what I mean by that but it was one of those moments where you can force yourself to check yourself and take a minute or two and just think things through. I can get carried away really easy making moments like these more valuable to me than to most people.

- Its almost Summer. Crazy. Really, really crazy. The thought just hit me. Bring it.

Goody Like Two Shoes

Only a couple more weeks left of school and its already been made clear that they're going to be tough. This week especially if I chose to ignore the hell that is going to be finals. Another physiology test even though it seems that I just took one of those. This one's going to be ok though. I'm even enjoying studying for it ever since I reconnected with my lab buddy from bio last semester. She and I started studying a lot earlier this time and its helping manage the stress level a bit more efficiently.

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I'm not dreading the end of the semester nearly as much this Spring as I was last. Part of that has to do with the rigor of my classes I'm sure but a good portion is that I know many of my friends are staying in Fort Collins with me and keeping busy is going to be much easier. God's blessed me with such an amazing group of friends both here in Fort Collins and across the country.

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Mmm, I love lyrics. I've been rediscovering Matchbook Romance recently even though I guess I never lost them. I really hate their name and its emo implications, but musically and lyrically they always seem to find some spot to hit.

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They're all asleep,

they'll never know

We'll escape through your window

And they're onto us

But this time is ours

There are reasons for what I did

It wasn't some vile attempt or accomplishment

It was innocent you know

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Nurse, something for the pain

Something to make this guilt go away

You're forgetting us

You're forgetting everything

And I wanna hate you for my mistakes

I hate you for everything

This is goodbye, this is always

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We're covering up our tracks

And living in secrets

We can learn to love life

Or learn to love pain

-

And if you still hear my voice

Than give me a sign, let me know

You're still here, like it or not

-

My heartbeat was louder than

The sound of my steps to your door

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You're cold but you're beautiful

You're a mess but I like it that way

I'm a fool, but only a fool knows a miracle

And I won't ask for anything

No, I won't ask for anything, ever again

Just give me this one thing, that's all I ask

That's all I ask

The Horseshoe of a House

- Wow. So I had real high expectations for yesterday. This second half of the semester has been stressing me out pretty hard core and I needed a good break. And you know what? It was everything I hoped for and more. It was probably one of, if not the, best day of my life from start to finish. It really had it all. There was even a point when I found myself laughing so hard I seriously had to leave the room so I didn't throw up. If the word "puppies" doesn't mean anything to you then I'm sorry cause you missed something really special. Life is good.

Laissez Faire

- My past couple weeks have been real good. Its almost ironic how much more effective a hands off aproach to life can be compared to when I try and take the initiative. I don't mean that you should just completely sit back and let life happen to you, but it seems the mainstream understanding is that the people that "go and get what they want" always get it. My life, if nothing else, has been proof against that. The very best things things that have happened to me were exactly that, things that just happened to me. It seems like whenever I try and force it thats when things go wrong.

- Maybe I'm just an exception to the rule. Maybe I'm just lucky. Whatever the case I'm just gonna go with it; take a little more laid back aproach and accept things for what they are and how they work out instead of living a life of what could have been.

- I love this part. :) I'm such a sucker for flattery, especially when its sincere. Its going to be a good week. I'm especially excited for the weekend.

- May 14th. What do you think?

Let me tell you a story...

- I'm in love with my jeans. I took them home this weekend and the miracle worker they call my mom patched up the fatal rip up the pant leg putting them back in action for the first time in about a year. Don't get me wrong I have other pairs of jeans I like, but this is a pair I love. The last couple days those other pairs have been taking a bench to my THJ's as I like to call them. There are good times in every stitch and loop in those jeans. Take a little trip with me if you will:

- Summer 2004. I was in a transition period of my life from bad to good. It was a warm Sunday afternoon and as I usually did on Sunday afternoons after a weekly game of pickup football I was perusing the racks at the ARC thrift store looking for loud, cheap, comfortable shirts. The pickings are slim and for whatever reason I decided to see if they had any jeans in my size. It must have been my day because almost all the pairs were in my size but as I shuffled through them my hands brushed against the smoothest most heavenly denim fabric I've ever felt. I whipped them off the rack and tried them on. I've never felt more like a pair of clothes was made for me and at a price of 3 dollars there was no way I was going to let this love at first sight experience pass me by.

- The months and years that followed were some of the best of my life. Those pants worked with me, played with me, explored with me, and grew with me. Over time the fabric began showing a few signs of age which only served to enhance my love for the jeans.

- And then it happened. On my way back to my dorm room late one night Jessica Smith decided it would be a good idea to chase me down the hall, I don't even remember what for; it's too traumatic. I've thoroughly suppressed that memory. But as she was chasing me her foot stepped on a loose piece near the bottom and riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiipp. It tore right up the pant leg in a perfectly straight line. She felt bad and I couldn't blame her too much, if it wasn't her it would have been something else. I knew it was an accident, but I was heartbroken. I went to bed that night feeling as if my soul had ripped with my pant leg. The next morning I desperatly tried tape and staples as quick fix but to no avail. Defeated, I went out and bought a new pair the next weekend and they just didn't fill that void my THJ's left.

- About a year and a half passed since then. My bike had recently eaten the pant leg on my current favorite pair and I took them home to see if maybe my mom could fix them. She whipped out the sewing kit and restored them back to how they were before my bike chewed em out and that got me thinking back to whatever happened to my THJ's. Perhaps maybe they could be fixed as well. You know the story from there.

- So if you ever see me in the near future before my THJ's rip again as they are destined to do and I look like a homeless dude in jeans scuffed up covered with holes, just know I'm not one of those tools that buys them like that. Those jeans are my THJ's and I love them. Here's to those stupid little things in life that make us happy, may they last at least a few more months.

Left Right

- I miss these quiet nights at home where I just get to sit around with my family, watch tv, and when they all trickle off to bed I get a chance to discover new music and sit in my thoughts a bit. Damien Rice has a new CD out. It has a few songs that I like and I'm sure the others could grow on me but I don't really feel like giving them a chance. I discovered a guitar player that is better than Trace Bundy in Andy McKee and I itunes purchased a CD from a band that is probably mediocre at best but touches me personally in a way that makes them amazing.

- It's funny how music does that for people. It can bridge the gap between things we don't understand and things we want to say. And as ashamed as I am to admit it I think the itunes store offers one of the most effecient ways of connecting me to new music.

- On another note, I'm so grateful to be where I am it chokes me up. God knows I love my family more than they'll ever know. I'll always be able to plug in here with them and recharge and I hope someday I can return the favor.

- And beyond that I feel like I should be struggling a lot more than I am. I feel like some good things happend to me without me even knowing. Almost as if some grand tragedy skipped right over my life leaving me in one piece and I don't deserve it. I can't explain the feeling but it's humbling. Ok, I'm up later than I told myself I would be.

- Happy Easter.

The Closest I Have Come

- I really enjoy spring. Well everybody does right, but I think I enjoy it more than most. The smell of fresh cut grass and the feel of sunshine on my face calms me down quicker than any drug ever could. I decided to take a different route class the other day that was a little bit longer but took me through the oval here on campus. For a reason I couldn't figure out, seeing the leaves start to bud on that majestic line of ancient trees got me real excited for things to come. Spring has always been a time of fresh starts in my life and I hope this one will be no different. This year has gotten off to a fairly rocky start but I know all my stress and hard work is going to pay me dividends. I can feel it already. Things are, and for that matter have, changed greatly recently and the person I'm becoming is stronger and much more realistic for struggle.

- I'm excited for Easter weekend because I miss my family and I feel, as I always seem to do around physiology tests, that I've earned a break.

- One more month. I'm on the home stretch.

Chest Pains

- Wow. Crazy week. Even crazier weekend. Sorry I haven't been keeping updated.

- I've discovered recently I'm really into existentialism and I didn't even know it. Philisophically its in line with a lot of what I believe or rather feel about life and existance in general. Its almost embarassing seeing as nobody takes it seriously at all and even more embarassing cause I can see their point. A lot of my problems in life come from me trying to make my life line up with how I understand things to be. I'm incredibly naïve when it all boils to it which ironically enough is in contradition to other keys to existentialism.

This is my life,

I might as well live it,

With all of the bad times,

Just happy to be living

- Times aren't even bad, thats just an attitude that I wish I could live out as much as I'd like to sometimes.

- Enough of that. I've got a crazy week comming up. Another stupid physiology test (kind of funny how around test time that class seems to dominate my life), a few intermural games, and then home this weekend for some work and much need relaxation time. Only a month left of school. Thanks God.