A week later

- Well, things aren't easy but at least they're starting to move foward. I quit my second job today and plan on focusing on my internship and the GRE's/grad school applications. Chipotle was really understanding, much to my suprise, but there's definately other waves that are being felt from the whole ordeal that will require me to do some patching. I want to move again too, but theres not really a good reason to do it and it doesn't make sense so I won't. I think I just need change, or maybe control over my life again. Things were better the way they were before, but I know they will never be like that again so I'm dealing in ways I can.

- Thanks for all your support. I'm sorry if you've tried to get a hold of me to be there for me and I haven't gotten back to you. Just knowing you're there is enough. I'm dealing with this a day at a time and have had so many people come through for me that it makes me wish I didn't tend to choose to deal with it alone.

- A week later I'm learning its going to be a lonely existance; maybe because my demenor will probably lean slightly towards the lachrymose side for a while and given my already established loner tendancies I may be doing it to myself. I'm trying my best to stay active; I'm making plans with friends I don't typically hang out with and excepting today will try not to be home to often. It still hurts. But there are still times where I hit that place that makes me feel empty and hopeless with no real joy I can find. A day at a time though. Baby steps. The more I focus on my future the less I can dwell.

- Love your life. Even when it sucks its a gift.

Alex

- I can't believe I'm back here. I was hoping this would be a dark place I'd never have to revisit ever again. This time its one of my best friends.

I'm having a real hard time with this. I don't know why Alex killed himself. I don't know where in his twisted mind he could have distorted whatever situation it was that made him think that it would be a good idea. Its not good enough for me to believe it was guilt over Kelsey or sadness over Mckenna. There had to be something else. Something he keep hidden so deep down inside him that it plowed the rest of us he's leaving behind over like a truck. A curveball from so far out in left field that we didn't even have a time to flinch to lessen some of the blow.

Its hard to see very far beyond this. The obnoxiously casual victims advocate that wouldn't leave me alone last night told me that was one of the symptoms of the shock but I don't see right now how it could be any other way. I don't know whats going to happen next. I can't imagine my life without Alex, without the carefree lighthearted nature he lived his life with, without that linchpin holding together the circus tent of my group of friends. He meant more to me than even I realized and it hurts that he could care so little about us, especially Dustin, to pull the trigger.

Back in 2005 when Linsey killed herself I was able to stay hopeful. To find beauty in it despite the way my soul was twisted and tainted. I can't do that now. This hurts in a deep way that I've never known before. It feels like a horrible nightmare that just isn't ending and the longer it persists the deeper the realizations sink. The hope I had back in 2005 is nowhere in sight. I'm living hour to hour.

But at least I'm living. I'd never give away the gift of this day. I'd never put you through what hes putting me through, what Grandma put my family through, and what Linsey put my floor through freshman year.

I love you. I hope you know that. I wish he knew that.