One Second Please

I hate what this blog becomes for me sometimes. It acts as an emotional vomit bucket but right now it's just all I've got. Sometimes I just need it out of my system.

- But I mean come on, this is killing me. The joy I had seems all but gone recently replaced by an endless existential crisis, long nights of light and splotchy sleep, new overwhelming worries, miles of red tape, and no light being kind enough to shine out to me at the end of this stupid tunnel. I hate it. It's hard maintaining hopes of improvement when there just seems like there's nothing to look forward to.

- Every time I close my eyes I have a horrible whooshing sensation of my life flashing before my eyes. I feel like there's a sensory overload sparking off in my head and the whole operation is short circuiting. People I haven't spoken to in years rush into my memory out of nowhere. At night when I dream it’s like a random trip back in time causing me to shake my head and wonder "where did that come from" when I wake up only to drift off again somewhere else. I revisit times and places stored deep in my mind and experience myself in contexts I can barely recognize. It's like I'm a completely different person. In some respects I guess I am. The feeling is nauseating. It's deafening and relentless and wearing me out.

- I'm having a rough time tonight and it isn't being helped by this isolation. I normally do a better job of avoiding it but tonight I wasn't able to. I'll just deal. I've had harder nights than this and I almost feel that before anything will get better I've got to confront the reality of things.

- I remember a conversation I had with Kristen, I can't remember how long ago, when she said something that's stuck with me ever since. It was something along the lines of the two of us being people prone to existential nightmares, moodiness, and introspective gluttony. She observed that this trait had the tendency to pull us down and needed an extra dose of determination and purpose to properly overcome and function in a society unforgiving of such inclinations. It was an uncharacteristically frank statement but at the same time one of the most internally controversial ones I can remember that wanders among my inner dialog.

- I can't really argue with the premise. This blog is often evidence of such, but it’s always been something I've done a good job of not properly confronting. My mind can do incredible back flips and cartwheels to convince myself that I'm not actually functioning in a way incompatible with how I believe I should but perhaps it’s high time I suck it up and deal with it. My natural instincts are and always have been to quit, to whine, then to rationalize. Well, it’s got to stop. Mostly because it’s not working anymore.

- I want to run away. I want to shirk my responsibilities and live in fantasy land but that's not the way things work in real life.

God, give me the strength to deal with the things I can, and accept the things I can't. From today, forward.

Tired

- Who am I kidding. :(

Life and Politics

- I hate politics. Everything about them.

- While I ate my sandwich tonight, I watched a town hall Q&A session featuring a Maryland Democratic senator. It made me want to gauge my eyeballs out. People in the meeting were asking stupid things and the crowd would hoop and holler after ever statement like they were cheering for a sports team. The senator would dodge every question thrown at him and for her part, Sam (the reason why this garbage was even on the TV) would hurl nasty invectives at people speaking on the screen she didn’t agree with. She would call people she had never met horrible names and wish them fates I wouldn’t hope for my worst enemy. She kept claiming they were just racist and didn’t like having a black president when that clearly had nothing to do with what anybody was talking about.

- I did have a little bit of fun with her making indignant comments I knew she wouldn’t agree with while using a rabble rousing tone. In the heat of the moment she would agree, then a couple seconds later it would hit her what I said and I could tell she felt kind of dumb. Example:

(Someone Sam doesn’t like asks a rambling question about unemployment insurance)
Me: That’s ridiculous. Can’t they see the government’s trying to take their kids from them? Those people need to get their own cars. They’re all just lazy.
Sam: Yeah! ………………………… (long pause) ……………………. wait, what?
Me: (into sandwich) Nom nom nom.

- Politics seem to be all nastiness and often feel like a horrible exercise in futility. I know, it sometimes seems I represent the John the Baptist of politically apathy but in this system, can you really blame me? People drastically over estimate their personal impact on the political scene. I know, discussing health care reform is important, but there are so many more meaningful things in life to worry about that devoting all your emotional energy completely to such a stupid topic is just stupid. Get a life people. Argue politics with your vote and leave it at that. I promise yelling at a TV or each other for that matter isn’t going to win anybody over to your side. Research actually shows it ahs the opposite effect.

- Well, that’s enough on that. I’m being hypocritical spending as much time discussing it as I have.

- Otherwise, life’s been good. I’ve been reading a lot. I peeled through four books in the month of August and have a pretty sweet itinerary lined up for September. I’d like to say they’ve had a good influence on me but they haven’t. It’s only made me want to run away, be more adventurous, do crazy stupid things, and otherwise follow the ridiculous follies I dream up during the slow monotonous hours of my day to day. Someday I guess. I don’t think real life is conducive to living out many of the stories I read but even though I admit that explicitly, the Peter Pan in me holds out that my grand adventure is just around the corner. Maybe it is. Even if I am deluding myself at least its helping me maintain my sanity. Half the fun is the day dreaming.

- So that’s what I’ll do. Just keep on dreaming and living and enjoying the simple things. I’m learning to love my life again. It’s been hard. It really has. To be honest, I may never get that blissful naivety back but there’s really nothing left to do now but move forward. The sun will still rise tomorrow and I’ll still feel the wind on my neck when I step outside. Even if that’s all I’ve got, I’ll be okay. Today, tomorrow, next month, next year, I’ll be okay.