Bad Teenage Poetry

Insignificantly Significant

Name:
Location: Fort Collins, Colorado, United States

Monday, January 28, 2008

New Routine

- Today felt like an orientation to my life this semester. I got a little taste of everything that will soon become routine for me, just in small doses. It was like a practice day for learning to balance my new job, school, handle the daily to-do list things that pop up, and still find time for myself and enjoying being a college age guy. I think I like it. I'm gonna be staying busy, probably busier than any semester so far but I think I can handle it. Its going to be a productive semester for me in many different ways, I can feel it.

- I've got a few things I still need to address. Slowly, though, I think I'm coming around to being able to handle them. I'm providing myself with the means and the willpower and its empowering.

- I've been living in a state of inspiration recently. Even things like the random blowing snow flurry that chilled me to the bones walking to the library tonight make me feel more alive than I've felt in a long time. I really want to write about some of them have really caught me off guard recently. Maybe I'll do that soon.

- Its good. I hope it lasts.

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Sunsets Over the Plains

- This is my favorite time of the year to be in the library. Its nearly silent. There's maybe eight or so people on the entire top floor of the library and when its like this I get a lot done. You know, even though I talk all the time about how I never go to class and how I'll wait forever to get homework done, I guess I'm really not all that bad of a student. I don't work all the time but when I sit down and set my mind to it I get a lot done. I guess the reason I started thinking about that is because I'm one of the few students that doesn't just come here and study when the grades start slipping or around finals.

- Its been about a week and a half or so since I've updated. I just really haven't had the time and its a shame cause a lot has happened. I took a spur of the moment road trip down to Lubbock with Dustin, Jeff, Alex, and Andrea. I was kind of freaking out when we first started leaving cause it had potential to be a miserable time but it turned out being just what I needed. I tried new things and just spent the weekend blowing off steam trying to live life to fullest.

- It was great. I feel invincibile. With school starting and dealing with finances and social stressors I should be a mess right now but I'm not. I'm kind of handling everything in stride and if I'm lucky enough to avoid some big tragedy to knock me off my horse life will only get better for me over the next couple months. Its funny the stupid things we find to empower us. Almost as funny as how find the stupidest things to tear us down. Heres hoping I can avoid those for a bit longer.

Friday, January 11, 2008

Little Brown Box

- I learned a lot about myself today. I was enjoying a half nap half "just lay there and enjoy the afternoon sleep" in my bed with the door open, light flooding the room, and Blue by Bob Schnieder and Mitch Watkins playing in the background when I saw a brown box that I've used to hold old letters, pictures and poems and stuff.

- I've toyed with the thought of throwing this box away or at least sorting through it to get it down to a smaller size that wouldn't take so much space. But when I finally dug into, I was overwhelmed with a number of emotions. I felt like I was traveling back in time and placing myself in the shoes of myself at my biggest moments of growing up. I'm glad I documented it so incredibly for myself and when I was done sorting the box actually was fuller than when I started.

- One surprise I found was a book of poetry I wrote. I'm not sure exactly how old it was but I'm guessing they were from about 2 years ago. I was blown away by this little black book. Don't get me wrong, I'm not bragging about my ability as a poet. Believe me I've written some bad poetry in my life, some of it much more recent than these poems. I'm telling you, really bad. But as flipped through the 20 or so poems and songs they shocked me, half cause I couldn't remember writing them and half because they were absorbing every bit of my focus and feeling while I was reading them. Some were really graphic, some rhymed, some didn't. Some were about specific people in my history and captured my emotions toward them perfectly and some, like the one I copied below weren't about anybody I could think of but I still enjoyed nonetheless. Your guess is as good as mine toward the meaning and I wrote it, but I really like it.

Choose
In a world of greed and pride and hate
She stands alone at heavens gate
Sinful shackles at her feet
The other ends ignite with heat
But whole are they on this girl's waste
No freedom soon will this one taste
But her grip is good; determination fierce
Up through his soul these chains do pierce
With guilt and greed and grace ran they
And keep him in the fiery fray
But struggles he with all his might
Hard he goes, up to the light
In purest white does she stand
And offers him forgiving hands
They're his if only he will reach
And walk with her down the beach
Two combine in Godly love
Despite the world they rose above
To live in honest freedom's bliss
Above a world of emptiness
So much to gain, so much to lose
Now its time for him to choose

- Naturally the nostalgia I felt as I went through the box was strong, but one emotion I didn't expect was an overwhelming feeling of joy. Instead of the normal feeling of regret, loss, and sadness the box usually has created for me in the past, I found myself realizing something I don't think I've fully grasped.

- Despite its simplicity I've lived an incredible life. In my short 21 years I've done things some people never get the chance to, been loved deeply, made an impact on a handful of people profoundly, and fulfilled a few life goals without even realizing it. I may get down on things from time to time as the world overwhelms me, but I'm glad for everything that has turned me into me. Everything. Even the things that I've wished I could change.

- I think I understand myself more, even if its just a little bit.

- I get to see Kimbre tomorrow for the first time since New Years. I'm really excited about that. I know it’s only been a week or so and I've gotten to at least talk to her most of the days but I miss her anyway.

- I've got some good people in my life. I've lost a few good people too. It’s all for a reason. Chances are you fit in one of those to categories. I appreciate you.

Sunday, January 06, 2008

- Heaven is:
Fresh powder. All over the place.
Which I guess means heaven was Copper Mountain today.

Thursday, January 03, 2008

Less Scripted

- One way that I can tell that I'm getting older is that these days I feel like I have no idea whats going on most of the time. The world is a complicated and confusing place and one solid indicator of my youth has always been an almost arrogant attitude that I've got it all figured out. Its getting to the point of chaos where I'm certain about very few things.

- Its taking some getting used to but I'm learning to not be so afraid of this uncertainty. It may not always show but I really am a very guarded individual. There are a lot of walls and checks and balances I put up in fearful cautiousness. They are there to keep an eye on a number of things but mostly its my pride I'm guarding. My lofty self image takes a pretty rough beating when I expose it to things which show me truths I don't want to believe could ever be true. There are times when I represent things I hate. Thats an devastating feeling when you get slapped in the face by the cold hand of reality. Its why traditionally I just learned to lock more and more things away and take fewer and fewer chances.

- So, slowly but surely I'm realizing to accept that I don't have as much say in everything as I'd like. As another sign to myself that life is incredibly multifacitated, this acceptance isn't so much a choice as it something being forced on me that I just can't say no to. Its hard but its really easy at the same time. I don't get it and everyday that goes by I get it a little less.

- But its a good thing. This is the one thing that I'm slowly coming to terms with.