Writing About Writing

"The purpose of writing is to inflate weak ideas, obscure pure reasoning, and inhibit clarity. With a little practice, writing can be an intimidating and impenetrable fog!" - Calvin

- If I could choose anyone to spend to a day with just talking about life, hands down it would be Bill Watterson author of Calvin and Hobbes. I think he is one of the greatest thinkers of our day and one of the most insightful philosophers of all time. He is a guy that has things figured out.

- When I first rediscovered this quote it just blew me away. Writing is nothing nobler than a way to meticulously vocalize rationalized thoughts with implicit ulterior motives. I guess taking this thought in mind I should attach a disclaimer to everything I write in here; don't take any of it seriously. I'm full of crap.

Passing Through

- I'm home again. Nights like this are rough for me. I had a great time hanging out with the boys just like we did in the old times, but this time I dropped Jordan off at his new place on Arapahoe which leaves Grandview on the road for me on my way back home. There's something about seeing my old school and driving through my old stomping grounds that switches a nostolgia switch in my head on. As I drove I started thinking about it, thats when I started thinking about how that whole part of me is dead. I took a quick detour to drive through Grandviews empty parking lot and it strikes me how little of an impact I've made on the place and relatively vice versa I suppose. And even more depressing is how so many things that I cared about and considered important then mean almost nothing now. It really adds a futile feeling to life.

-I haven't done a real good job hanging on to those years. I'm not saying I should live in the past, but by neglecting to care for anything long term back then, I've doomed myself to this feeling of loss right now. Driving over the hill on Arapahoe where the mountains and the city lights seem to rise up out of the earth, I felt like a ghost. Its a terrible feeling tracking back over your history and feeling like you've done something wrong and that nothing is going to ever reverse that feeling of loss.

- This is all the byproducts of a kind of a self absorbed life that I often live. What's next? You tell me. My approach hasn't proven very effective so far. God knows my hubris will be my downfall if I keep going like this. You know, I talk about stopping to smell the flowers and appreciating the little things, but maybe I could a learn a lesson about caring for the big things; people that love me and that I love. Admittedly, I don't think I'm very good at that. If I get another chance which I live day to day praying I will, I'll do it right; selflessly. Agape. True.

Anchorless

- Well, I'm not sure what I've gotten myself into again.

- I may be getting ahead of myself but something clicked after spending the day with her. I guess I don't know what to think because I haven't completely figured out what exactly is up with me these days. Its like I switch hats several times a week. All of them are me but not all of them match up with each other well. I suppose college is about finding which of these selves get to stick around and finding someway to put them together. But I do know that Saturday was effortless. That simple aspect in a relationship with a girl is something I haven't known since I was 16. A lot of it is a product of timing and how much I've changed over this last Spring, Summer, and Fall but there's that piece there that just fits and luck of the draw or otherwise its refreshing.

- I'm being extremely cautious in all of this. I've been here before and few things are more terrible than when a good thing goes south. I went to see Dan in Real Life with my mom and my sister earlier tonight and something that really drove the film in for me was the pain in Steve Carrel's eyes scene after scene. Its the same world worn feeling that makes me so passionate about music like Rocky Votolato's and inspires me in a way nothing can. My emotional scars aren't any deeper than the average person's but they're deep enough for me not to do anything reckless. Its like during this season of the Office when Jim commenting on Dwights breakup says that that feeling of loss isn't something he'd wish on his worst enemy. I've been there and I know as well as anyone that it sucks.

- Ironically, two of the people that I trust telling things to more than most are girls I've crossed with selfish carelessness in a way that would make it hard for me to forgiving me if was in their shoes. Its funny how these things work out, especially in my life. My life lives out like a confusing and cliche soap opera which every now and then results in an interesting story. This semester especially. The character development recently is fascinating.

- And yet there's always that feeling wanting to see what else this world has to offer. I believe this urge for freedom, this desire for the open road is a motif that is distinctely American. Every now and then I get the urge to "shake the dust of this crummy little town" from my feet and go explore and push the limits of what it is to be human. I keep this urge from taking over by feeding it the old "maybe a little bit later when its not so completely unreasonable" line. I don't consider it lying to myself. Someday I will get away. Its just, life's just enough of an adventure for me right now to keep me satisfied along with how many good things I have going for me in family and friends here. Until that changes I'm not looking to throw anything away on something stupid.

- With that I'll close out these rambly few thoughts with lyrics to the song that has been my anthem over the last month; Anchorless by Dariustx.

Sinners know when its time to go

But you stuck around like it was some kind of test

World renown in that hospital gown

You were the patient but I was the mess

Say any say that you want to get better

The brass band is out in the street

Pray any pray for merciful weather

Theres thunder storms 50 miles east

Sooner or later you'll see what I mean

About drifting out to the West

Past California and way past your dreams

Drifting away anchorless

We were green

How seamless love seemed

As long as the rain came

We had naught to fear

Stormy skys kept mourners inside

Kept flooding the gravesight

Kept providence near

Say any say that you want to get better
The brass band is out in the street
Pray any pray for merciful weather
Theres thunder storms 50 miles east
Sooner or later you'll see what I mean
About drifting out to the West
Past California and way past your dreams
Drifting away anchorless

Now late at night

With no stars in sight

I lay in the tall grass

And curse the skies clear

Monday Night?

- Wow. The last 2 weeks have been some of the craziest but at the same time greatest of my life. This semseter has been the most fun and most memorable of my life and thats saying something. I've discovered a love for my family that reminds me how blessed I am to have all of them. I learned that I've made friends that would go that extra mile for me in a heartbeat. And I've finally settled into my grove in my day to day life.

- I'm excited for Thanksgiving break. I miss my sisters. I just want to play guitar hero with them and hang out, maybe even listen to a little dcTalk. I love this time of the year.

- I'm going to try and start writing in this thing more. I miss it.

Halloween and such...

- Its been two years tonight since Linsey commited suicide. It gets a little easier for me as I start putting more and more years between me and that terrible night, but God knows I'll never forget.

- All things considered, though, I've had really good week this last week. One of my roommates is moving out at semester but thats no skin off our back. It may be a tricky process until he does but it'll work itself as these things usually do.

- I had a really solid weekend. I spent the first half of it getting over my sickness and the second half enjoying myself. I've never been a big person in favor of Halloween so I considered going out on the weekend as my appearance to excuse myself from doing anything on Halloween itself. It was weird going to Greely to hang out since people from Greely normally come up here just to get away but when the night was done I was glad I went. It was a blast.

- School's even been manigable recently. I've been in a good mood all week and just can't shake it no matter how hard I try. Good things are comming my way, I can feel it.