Slow

- I'm back in Fort Collins for a few weeks and it's been awhile so I figure its time for reflection.

- I'm taking things a day at a time, and things definitely aren't easy anywhere in my life. But thats good. I'm building up perserverance. I don't feel like I'm growing when things are all just smooth and simple. If they are that way, I'm playing it too safe. I'm not going to get anywhere that way and it'll leave me ultimately unsatisfied. Things get sorted out, even the tricky ones, and everything leaves me a stronger person when all is said and done.

- Here I am, a few days removed from twenty and what I really want for my birthday is a chance to just take a breath and soak it all in. I hope it snows tomorrow. All I want to do is hang up some Christmas lights, make some Italian sausage soup for the girlfriend, and just sit back with some hot coco and watch the snow fall as I wait for the second decade of my life come to a close. All my experiences, all my heartaches, joys, trials, victories, shortcomings, highs and lows. All the people that have come into my life, all that left, all that stuck around for awhile, and all that always will. The cumulation of all these things have made me into what I am today and I consider it all joy. Its not always going to be easy or ideal. Fairy tales aren't real and that's their fatal flaw. Real is beautiful and thats all anyone can really ask for.

- All I'm asking for now is snow and a warm cup of soup.

I Still Bleed Burnt Orange

- Next year. The eternal cry of the sports fan. Texas just lost to A&M effectively ending their season. Nothing is going right for me this second half of the football year. CSU's season died, the Broncos are slipping, CSU will probably extend their losing streak tomorrow, and this loss just knocked Texas out of the big 12 championship. Ouch. It can't really get much worse. But, there's still good in the situation. At least now I don't have to suffer through one extra game at Nebraska, and the team's showing tons of promise for next year. So is CSU. Its these awful times that make games like the national championship game earlier this year, the Utah/CSU game freshman year, or the CU/CSU game this year so great in perspective. And on top of that this is going to burn the Texas bandwagon effectively giving me my team back out of the hands of all those poser fair weather fans. It still sucks, but in the end, its only game; a game that I will continue to love. Even when it doesn't love me.

Snowball

- I'm calm again. Thanks to Hattie. Nobody handled that situation right and thats how it escalated in the first place. And I have a feeling this is gonna be a grudge that I hold for awhile. And thats a crying shame, but its all that I've got. If I had more than a grudge to bear there wouldn't be a problem in the first place. Funny how that works out. Goodnight.

Deep Breaths

- Wow I love being home. For the record, I had Joe Iams pegged all wrong. And let me be the first to say the man knows his way around a basketball court.

- Yesterday was fairly uneventful. It reminded me how much I love my family. Today was packed though. I watched the Ohio State - Michigan game with Cliff and Jared + family. It was a really good game and even though I didn't have much reason to cheer for one reason or another, it was still fun to watch and I'm glad for Jared and Cliff's sake they won.

- I rushed home in the new manual transmition Honda my family bought. It's a really fun car to drive and what excites me more is the thought of finally having a car at my disposal after break, if it's infact, fixed. I know I shouldn't get my hopes up though. I have a record of drawing the short straw when it comes to car situations but toying with the idea is fun.

- Dinner was amazing. Chicken fried chicken is a little out of my price range to cook for myself and nothing tastes much better than a meal that my mom makes on my account.

- After that I rushed off and played what must have been a solid four hours of basketball rotating between 21, lines, and three on three. I'm gonna be sore like nobody's buisness tomorrow and right now I smell worse than I can ever remember smelling.

- The rest of the week has great potential too and if the rumor that Jordan's home for break is true it could get even better.

- Good times. Bed time.

I Will Never Be, A Stranger

- Another good weekend is in the books. Between all the things that could have brought me down including Texas's heartbreaking loss to Kansas State after Colt McCoy's injury. I didn't dwell on that too long. Jeff and Hattie did a good job keeping me up and I'm really glad they did. Other situations tried to unsuccessfully bring me down too. One situation is really kind of frustrating me with how much its going exactly like I thought it would. I hope I'm not making a self-fulfilling prophecy regarding the way things are going but honestly, I don't think I'm at fault because I've done nothing different yet things are still changing. Whatever.

- Other than that, my weekend was amazing, and even extremely memorable. Hattie's Kappa Delta formal was on Friday night and I had a really good time with that. I met some very interesting and friendly people and its always fun spending time with her. Saturday, college football broke my heart. Sunday, the boys came up from A-Town and we got a good five on five game going. I wasn't real enthusiastic about playing leading up to the game but once we finally found a lit up field and started, all that was lost. It was just like old times and the game itself was amazing. I'm glad things worked out even when I was convinced they weren't.

- I love life up here, but I really miss home. I've been beating myself up so much that I didn't call on Julie's birthday. I want to get her a present but I'm broke and don't know what she wants. I'll figure something out. This week should be fairly relaxed and I can't wait to go home this weekend. I miss my family. And I miss Britt. I hope I can afford to go to the art museum with her. And I miss Courtney. But she's really far away.

- Music always seems to touch me at times like this. David Barnes - Home is my mood right now. Here I come Aurora.

The Heart of Life

I hate to see you cry
Lying there in that position
There's things you need to hear
So turn off your tears
And listen

Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
No it won't all go the way it should
But I know the heart of life is good

You know, it's nothing new
Bad news never had good timing
But then, the circle of your friends
Will defend the silver lining

Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
No it won't all go the way it should
But I know the heart of life is good

Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
Fear is a friend who's misunderstood
But I know the heart of life is good

I know it's good

Early November

- Change, change, change, change, change. I know thats what the college years are all about, but this is rediculous. I remember as a kid lying in bed at night trying to imagine what life would be like for me as I got older. "Wow, in the year 2000 I'm going to be 14." I couldn't wrap my mind around the concept. I remember wishing more than anything that I could just get a glimps of what my life would be like in the future. I bet if I had been granted that wish, I wouldn't bieleve that where I'm at now was possible. I bet if I had a chance just this last summer to look at my life in the fall I wouldn't bieleve it. Everything's changing so fast and the weirdest part is that it doesn't really bother me. I feel like I don't have any control over my life right now and its the best thing for me. It feels good to let go.

Linsey

- One year ago today I lived through the worst day of my life. I remember waking up the morning of the second and for the first time in my life not having the slightest clue what was going to happen or what I was going to do. The emptiness and devastation I felt lying there on my bed choking back tears was foreign to me and its not a feeling that I'll forget any time soon. I couldn't find it in me to get up and go to class like I had done everyday before that yet I couldn't find it in me to just lay there lost in my agony. At the time, I couldn't imagine every experiencing joy or happiness again, yet a year later here I am. I survived. I didn't let myself die with Linsey that night and the person I've become is stronger for the experience.

- A lot has changed since a year ago. The people I talk to and don't talk to have changed, the things I do for fun and my outlook on my future and the world around me have changed. Last November represented a raging forrest fire in my life and, as terrible as it was, I'm glad the experience was mine to encounter instead of someone else's.

- Never forget.

RIP Linsey