Post Christmas

- Break this year has filled itself out really nicely. I'm filling time with things I want to do but still getting enough down time to not stress out. These next few days are gonna be kind of crazy but I'm at a place these days where I'm not really dreading anything major and I've got a lot to look foward to in the rest of break .

- I just got back today from a trip to Monarch with Kimbre. The trip gave me a chance to meet and hang out with her family. I wasn't sure if I was going to be able to go initially but I'm really glad I got to. It was kind of an intimidating situation to put myself in. Had her family not liked me it could have been a long four days, but it all worked out well and I ended up having a really good time. The skiing itself was really cold but it fun getting to see a different mountain and the runs were fun despite their shortness.

- I'm happy with her. We work well together without forcing it. I'm excited to see where its gonna go yet at the same time I'm not really worrying to much about it which is the way it should be.

- I've discovered more good music. Jon Foreman of Switchfoot made a solo EP and its really good. Switchfoot was always too poppy for me but on his own Jon puts together some pretty solid lyrics with a nice folky feel and everyone knows I'm a sucker for modern folk rock. Check out 'The Moon is a Magnet' if you feel like giving him chance.

- I can feel myself growing up. Just little things but I'm getting there. The more I step out of my bubble the better my perspective gets on some of the things I focus a lot of energy on that are just kinda stupid. Don't get me wrong, I still want to be a kid and hang on to those things adults just can't appreciate, but I waste a lot of time and stress myself on things adults wouldn't.

- Life's good.

Older Chests

- You know something I regret? Not giving Damien Rice's most recent album, 9 a fair chance. Its really been resonating in me recently. Powerful music. It just goes to show you that sometimes you can't really make a fair judgement of a song from a 30 second itunes clip.

Familiarity Breeds Contempt

- Christmas is just a few days away. That's a pretty overwhelming thought. Where on earth did 2007 go? When I think back to where I was this time last year I can see a lot of similarities. They make me a little uncomfortable. It may be some kind of karma reversing the roles on me or it may be just me thinking too much into the situation. Hell, I know its probably the latter but just the fact that I can't help it bothers me. Its doing a number on me. I don't like thinking about it too much because the thinking itself is what’s getting me all tied up in a knot. I think too much. I know this. Its just new. All of it. The kind of weird new that’s vaguely familiar for all the wrong reasons. It'll be good down the road looking back regardless of where I end up, but it’s gonna bug me until then.

- Even this post bugs me.

- Up and down all break long. I've made this down for myself and tomorrow I know I'll feel better. The stability will come. At times I can be my own worst enemy.

Like I Own the Place

- Man, I love those guys. We never change Even with Jared getting all engaged and Austin and Jordan living in different states. Its a nice reality check. There are times when I don't think high school Jay would even recognize me now. All the important things are just like they always were and its great.

The Revelator and The Twilight

And on another note, I just love sad songs that tell stories of heartbreak.
Here's a good one. The imagery is strong.

The Revelator and the Twilight - Dariustx

From the muddy banks of the Trinity
To your folks back porch on the southern hill
And as the revelator promised to me
You're out there in the twilight still
Just waiting in the twilight still

Oh the long march grass
In the setting sun
Ankles bent under long skirts
When the preacher nods
All the ladies sigh
At their men in their short sleve shirts
And I see lightning bugs
And cherry wine
And your grandma's wedding dress
But since I'm 15 hundred miles away
Lord knows I can only guess

From the muddy banks of the trinity
To your folks back porch on the southern hill
And as the revelator promised to me
You're out there in the twilight still
Just waiting in the twilight still

There'd be horseshoes and bonfire light
Oh and can you still see stars?
When you were making plans
Did it take you back?
Did your hands drift towards your scars?
I see your friends cleaned up
And smiling big
Think they ever though of me?
And I can see you too
Now whos that with you
Out under the magnolia tree?

From the muddy banks
Of the trinity
To your folks back porch
On the southern hill
And as the revelator
Lied to me
You're nowhere in the twilight still
Just ghosts out in the twilight still
You're long gone from the twilight still
Just ghosts out in the twilight still

Time Off

- Break has been slow. Real slow. I've enjoyed it emensly though. The time off feels great. Its been awhile since I've been able to relax to this extent. I just feel overall very content. Recently I've been finding inspiration in pretty much everything and I feel like I'm getting the most out of whatever I'm doing. I'm also finding time to do things I've been wanting to for awhile. Like catching up on my reading for example. I found my library card I got in the fifth grade and was thrilled to find out it still works. I checked out a few interesting looking books on life and one about the process of getting into grad school. I'm just kind of sick of TV these days and since I have the time, getting lost in book is a simple indulgence I finally have time for. The one I'm reading now has an interesting approach to life. Not one that I totally agree with but unique nonetheless. I'll write about it when I get a little deeper in.

- The next semester is going to be one unlike I've encountered so far yet. Its kind of the calm before the storm that is Fall 08' and it'll take some work to keep myself on track so I don't lose focus. Its also a pretty big deal in the fact that its the time in my college career were I need to take some pretty big steps towards my future like applying to grad schools, turning up my research involvment, taking the GRE, and really focusing so my grades are strong enough to take me where I want to go. I guess before I do all that though I need come to some kind of consensus on where I'm even looking to go in life. Its an intimidating thought. For now, I'll just make sure that I'm not taking the right now for granted.

Eides of December

- What a week/weekend. I got an impossible A in accounting, (I needed a 105% and got a 106% on the final post curve), a terrible grade on my econ paper, a black eye, new furniture, a new found appreciation for Old Town, and last but not least Kimbre and I became an official couple after an incredible night.

- Physically and emotionally I'm just flat out tired, but in a getting the most out of life kind of way, good and bad.

- I love it, I do.

Stress and Stressor

- Stress. I think it’s the source of almost everything we don't like in this world. Everything that causes us discomfort, that makes us sad, that makes us mad, and that we just plain see as no good is either caused by stress or can be defined as a type of stress.

- Type B or "laid back" personality styles are revered in our culture as cool and one of my least favorite words in the world 'chill'. Gag me with a spoon. Their freedom from stress inspires envy in everyone who can't seem to find an escape from the daily grind that sometimes can wear away at our souls. Like anything though, freedom from stress when taken to an extreme can be bad. Without stress we'd never get anything done and we'd never get anywhere in life. We'd never care about anything and people and things used to keep us honest and in check would be uselss. Stress is the pain of emotion. It keeps us from doing stupid things and motivates us to improve our situation so we don't tear ourselves apart in our detachment.

- I'm not just blowing smoke for no reason on the topic, I promise. Recently intense bouts of stress have been overwhelming me. Quick temporary rain clouds that hit me and ruin my mood. I develop a temporary OCD-esk anxiousness and it won't go away until I take care of whatever caused it.

- Sometimes the causes of these are really dumb; like the other day when in the middle of a nap I suddenly couldn't remember where I had put my house keys when I got home. The more I thought about it, the more stressed I got. It was dumb and I knew it. I didn't need my keys anytime soon since I had nowhere to be for a couple hours. But as dumb as it may have been, it ruined my nap. In order to stop stressing about it I pulled myself out of bed and searched for about ten mins until I found them on my tv right where I left them. I actually think I may be a bit obsessive-compulsive but not to the point of a disorder. There's no other way to explain how irrationally I can get worked up about little things.

- Not all my stressors have been this trivial. A few are things that would probably stress anybody out, but none deserved the attention I gave them. At least not with the intensity with which I dwelled on them. I guess few things actually would, but my enjoyment of life would defiantly improve if I could learn to calm down and think things through when I start letting them overwhelm me.

- It also wouldn't hurt if I put my keys in the same place every time I got home and stopped losing my phone all the time. I remember my fifth grade class mountain getaway trip where I lost me and roommate's hotel room key only to find it at the bottom of the deep end of the swimming pool. This after having a fight with a guy sharing the room with me who should get to hold the key and why. Needless to say he wouldn't let me hold on to it the rest of the trip. To this day I have no idea how it got down there. I think he set me up.

- Good tangent Jay. Good night.

A High of 29

- I love new snow. The only other time campus looks more beautiful is at the height of Fall. Not counting the storm we missed over break, the last couple days represented the first big snowfall of the season in FoCo. And it was my favorite kind. It did most of its snowing during the day and the wet nature of the snow itself made it stick to trees and soak the streets turning the roads grey and everything else white from top to bottom. I call it car commercial style snow. You know, the kind you see on fancy Lexus commercials when the car is driving through puffy white flakes as it passes through a quaint little town. Even though it made it really hard for me and Jeff to pick up and move a few desks and tables and stuff from this girl in Greely, it added an extra element of fun to the day. I felt like a kid playing in the snow all afternoon but instead of playing I was scraping ice off car windows and finding creative ways to keep everything dry in the truck bed.

- The snow also made for ideal skiing conditions Sunday. From top to bottom it was a pretty amazing day in Copper but after hanging out on Friday, moving on Saturday, and skiing Sunday didn't leave a lot of time for studying for my final exam this morning. I think I did alright anyway and with the optional cumulative test I took after it to replace my lowest grade, it won't make a difference if I bombed it. I really should be a little more responsible. One of these days I'm going to run out of get out of jail free cards.

- Three more tests and three more days until the semester is over. I'm going to have more free time over break than I'll know what to do with. I'll find something to keep myself busy. I just wish they would have spread a bit more of the month and a half we get off over the actual school year. But I guess thats why I'm not in charge.

- I should be in charge.

Things I've Learned

- Typically for me I don't feel any different after a birthday. Not even when I turned 16. I remember I just felt like a 15 year old with a driver’s license. It may be that society has drilled it into my head that being 21 means something but since last Friday my perspective on things has changed quite a bit. Almost overnight, I stopped seeing myself as a kid. It’s not a stance of superiority or wisdom but again, one of perspective. Suddenly my future doesn't seem so far away and at the same time it doesn't seem so ominous. I don't tell people I'm from Denver anymore. When they ask where I'm from I tell them Fort Collins. This may not be completely true from a financial codependent standpoint or what I list when a form asks for my "permanent address" but it seems that these days when I go "home" it feels more like a vacation to see my family than home. This is a pretty big shift for me. I'm enjoying it a lot though. I'm setting the foundation for a life on my own.

- With that I feel like spewing out a few things I've learned over my first 21 years of life:

- 1. Nobody's perfect.
Nobody. If you think someone is perfect it’s because you're choosing to overlook their flaws to fit them into the image of who you wish they were. Imperfection doesn't have to be such a bad thing. I'm actually glad for it. Without those quirks that make people human we have nothing to reference their good with except our bad. Compared to perfection we're terrible and nothing points that out better than somebody who's got it all. Friendship and love is learning to accept the bad with the good as part of what makes somebody who they are and loving both the good and the bad for this very reason.

- 2. Music and art make life beautiful.
If you don't appreciate it learn to. The doors to enjoying everything you experience art and beyond will open.

- 3. A sense of humor in a person says volumes about them as a person.
In regards to intelligence, agreeableness, and ability to persevere through hard times there is no description of a person's personality that tells you more about who they are.

- 4. You don't need money to have a good time, but...
money will give you something to do. There's also never enough of it.

- 5. God is faithful.
Always. Faithful is a churchy word I know but year after year that statement rings true. It floors me to think about.

- 6. The Texas Longhorns > The Oklahoma Sooners

- 7. The best girls aren't always the ones that have a lot of guys after them.
All it means when a girl is surrounded by guys is that she’s been advertising herself to them. As a sex we're really lazy and will ignore the most beautiful, smart, vivacious gem of a girl in pursuit of a sure thing. Some of the girls I know have got to be women's best kept secrets. They take awhile to get to get to know but everyone that takes the time gets hooked.

- 8. Introspection is cathartic.

- 9. Find a stupid thing that makes you happy and just let it make you happy without focusing on how stupid it may be.
I've got several of these: a new warm pair of socks, fanny packs, getting absorbed in my music when I'm driving alone, and my rock-star pose when using a urinal. I'm not sure why or when I started that one but whenever I do it I start cracking up. I've had many a bad day turned around by them.

- 10. Jazz is underappreciated.
As an art form. As a means of release. As a key American cultural component. As a music.

- 11. People that take themselves really seriously don't usually like me very much.
Its sad but true. Cause its not always the case that I don't like them.

- 12. Feed your tendencies.
Don't be completely inflexible but realize that you are who you are and the fact that that in itself is something. It may not always show but I'm kind of introverted and a loner. If you still don't believe me I think the best example of how this manifests itself day to day is in my general dislike of talking on the phone. Even to people I love. I don't always hate it but there have been times where my phone rings with someone I want to catch up with and I just won't pick it up because it takes a certain something to gear me up for social interaction. It’s caused problems in my life before, but I've come to realize that its just who I am. I can't change it and I don't want to.

- 13. Life is what you make it.
Good, bad, or ugly. Its your choice the things you let get to you, the things you won't, the things you enjoy, the things you don't, the people you let in, the attitude you pick, the choices you make.

- I suppose I've learned a few other things but most of them involve cheat codes and the supernintendo version of the game Lion King. Heres to many more years and hoping that when its my time to go, I've experienced as much as I hope to in life.

Tireeed

- Life hit me like a truck this over the last week. Some good, some bad, some good/bad. I'm ready to just be done with Adam. His insistance on making the whole situation personal is frustrating. Just because we didn't work out as roommates doesn't mean he can't be civil on his way out. All the kinks will be ironed out in a week or two but its been like pulling teeth getting things back in order.

- My 21st was this last weekend. It was amazing. There were a few moments of intense stress like when I lost my phone on the slopes (I got it back) and when my car wouldn't start Sunday morning cause of the cold. It was the best birthday I've ever had though and one I won't forget soon.

- I just wish I had more infomation. Thats vauge but I'm just not feeling this tonight. Meh.