Home's What You Make It

- My room finally feels like home. Since I got the couch in here it took a big step but today I bought a lamp so I don't have to bath in the piercing light in the ceiling and I used Britt's double sided tape to hang up my pictures of the people I miss so much here along with other little things to remind me how much the people I've known have blessed me. I'm sitting under my bed right now looking around at the place I'm going to be living for the next couple of months and I'm sad I have to leave. I miss home and I miss my family and my friends, but I'm going to miss this so much when I have to leave to. Hmm.

Far Sighted

- 3 o' clock in the morning and I have about an ounce of energy to use before I head off to bed. I love and hate the early morning because its the time that I do my best thinking.

- If I had one wish right now it'd be to know exactly what I'm gonna do with my life. There's a number of things that've got me started thinking about this over the last couple of days and most of them involve my relationships with my friends. I'm a pyschology major because I'm fascinated by the way people work. Not just curious mind you, fascinated. There's something inside of me that needs to know why people, and consequently me, do what they do, think like they do, react like they do and most importantly, how I can commit my life to learning how to fix things that go wrong in people's lives. I'm not gonna lie, right now, this is something I'm terrible at. I often make things worse for some people. Not on purpose, things just happen. So when people I love and care about start facing situations in thier life that I know I can't do anything about, it tears me up. Honestly, it discourages me a little to. How am I supposed to do this for the rest of my life when right now I don't even know where to start?

- I'm not panicing. I still have a lot of time but there are times up here where I'm reminded that I can't be a college student forever. I'm going to have to grow up sooner or later and thats a responsibility that's pretty emense. There are a lot of things that I need to get taken care of before I can consider my life successful.

- Its been a fun Friday and a good week. Sometimes, I wish I was a little less selfish. It'd make doing the right thing a little bit easier.

Easy Like Sunday Morning

- Life is good. Classes are challenging but have more or less gone smooth. For good reasons and bad, almost all my professors know who I am despite my large class size. I'm still having a blast in the dorms. I think I'm made for dorm life. I love the people and the stimulation. I also just love the genuine nature of people at college. People offer the type of friendship that I became so use to at home from my friends in Denver. I'm happy up here. What more could you ask for?

First Day of Classes

- My first class got out really early and I already have a 30 min gap between that and my 2:10 so I've got a little bit of time to kill.

- I'm back up in Fort Collins now and I've gotta say, I'm really glad to be back. I love living here and not being bored and to be laughing a majority of the hours I'm awake. I went to bed last night for the first time in a long time with a real sense of satisfaction because my face was sore from smiling so much. I'll tell you as cheesy as it may sound, thats a really good problem to have. But still, this semester is definitely going to be different from the last one. I think its going to be better but there's always that little bit of ambiguity that makes me nervous about my future. My class schedule is a little bit tougher and my classes are smaller which means I'm going to have more work to turn in and I'm not going to be able to ditch class as much as I'd like. My classes today have gone off a little bit rocky but thats mostly my fault. I haven't taken enough time to check out my schedule so I've had to make more trips from the dorm to the campus than normally do but I'll have that all figured out by the end of the week.

- The waves are smoothin out and I'm feeling good.

Copper

- God is good. Today was just what I needed. For a reason thats foreign to even me, I've built up a lot of tension over the last couple of weeks. Somewhat begrudgingly I got up at 6 this morning, showered, and drove to my roomate Joel's house and we headed up to Copper Mountain, just me and him. I've never been skiing with someone as good as Joel and I was expecting a painful day of trying to keep up. But when we got to the top of that moutain and I stared down the first double diamond I ever even considered going down, and during while I sat there thinking about all the broken bones I had comming to me, something clicked inside of me. Here I was, sitting on top of God's masterpiece and I couldn't let go of some chip that had been sitting on my shoulder all break. Long story short, I got over it and had the time of my life.

- I bieleve so strongly in the power of attitude that sometimes, I forget what it really means.

3 and Counting

- Another day, another dollar. Break's winding down and I'm glad because I'm bored here at home. I've done stuff the last couple nights with old friends from high school which was a nice break from working around the house all day doing whatever chores popped into my dad's head, but its just not enough. Tomorrow I'll spend my time running erands and picking up the stuff I need to spend the next six months in Fort Collins and Friday I'm going skiing with Joel so hopefully the time will fly and I won't have time to sit around and rot.

- Really, I just think I need a change of scenery. Give me a couple months and I'll be more than eager to come back home.

- Awww jeeze.

A bad case of the Whys

- Why is it that true love and real life sometimes won't work together? I'm not talking about how you and your celebrity crush will never be together. I'm talking about those times where it seems to people are made for each other and things seemingly could hardly be better, but the situations life puts them through make it impossible for them to be together. I'm talking about the athelete who never again can play the game they love because a drunk driver put them in a wheelchair for the rest of thier life. I'm talking about the family torn apart by death. The conflict between love and life is the source of all true heartache. Heartache is that seemingly irresovable tension and feeling of being alone, even when surrounded by people that care. Its one of the worst of all pains as very little can cure it beyond being together again with the one you love. Why can't life work out like the fairy tails and chick flicks and bring instant resolution to the things keeping them apart?

- I think as people get older they get better at hiding and ignoring heartache. They accept things as the way they have to be and continue on with their lives unfulfilled. I think I'm destined to be one of these people and it breaks my heart. I can't fight fate and I'd be arrogant to try. These are the things I think about when its quiet. One more week till I head back up to CSU. I can't wait.

Faith and Life

- Church this morning was really good. It means something entirely different to me now than it did this time last year. I think the most beautiful thing in the world is untarnished natural and true faith. I think that there are very few people in this world that have that. People that when they listen to the pastor preach on Sunday morning they do more than just nod thier head and smile and then head home to live thier life unchanged. These people get it. They don't know the meaning of a Sunday School answer. There's nothing in the world I wish I had more than this faith. And I mean that with every bit of my heart and soul. God's done so much for me that it makes it really hard not to be disgusted when I fall short of him every day of my life. I see so many people around me that are so much more genuine than me and can't stand how weak and pathetic I can be.

- There's nothing in this life worth living for beyond God. Without him we are so insignificant and easily forgotten. I've turned into a real fragile and unstable individual since God removed the things in my life that I had replaced him with. Life without God is hard and yet people, including me chose it everyday. How is it that I understand and bieleve all these things completely and truely and still lack the faith to do what I need to do? I can't understand myself sometimes. Life is short and unpredictable. It time I start living it right.

Two Months Later...

- Its been awhile since I've posted here and really there is no good reason why. I just had a severe lack of desire and/or motivation and during the hustle and bustle of my first semester of college, time was a little bit tighter. Honestly though, I've missed it. There's some sort of medicine provided by having a place to unload my thoughts and feelings about the day and life in general.

- I don't really have anything meaningful to post now. I've got a lot running through my mind but I'm to distracted to make any sense of it. I want to start posting in this again as regularly as I can. We'll see.