My Dream House

- So I've made it through the thick stuff of the week. Me, Adam, and Jeff toured a pair of houses yesterday and I've been getting real excited about the first one. Living there would be cheaper than the University House apartments, it would have bigger rooms, two living rooms, a basement, a bigger kitchen, be closer to campus, and the big selling point for me, its got a fenced in backyard of our very own. I could imagine myself living there from the moment we stepped in the door. If I had the ability I'd sign the lease right now but I can't do that so I all I can do is pray that it won't get snatched away from us before we get a shot at it.

- Its beautiful outside and I pulled my Diet Coke with Lemon shirt out of hibernation. Its going to be a good next couple of days.

The Thing You Think You Know

- Its amazing how quickly things can change. Just when I get to thinking that I know how things are, someone snaps thier fingers and everything changes in a second. People change, situations change, the things we think we know change, and probably more than we realize, we change. Its sometimes hard to adjust, sometimes not. I think the way we keep our sanity is by having a few places in our lives where things are consistant. Places where things move at the same rate we do. I think one of my biggest fears is losing these rocks in my life. I don't know if I'd be able to hold it all together. I've been learning a lot about myself recently. Its fascinating.

13-12 means we're 1 and 0

- My week rounded itself out as it always does. The weekend was entertaining. I rolled my bad ankle again playing raquetball and it swelled up to the size of a tenis ball. The swelling would go away after a couple days like it always does if I'd just give it a chance to rest. I was going to take an honest break from sports this weekend to give it a chance to heal but then great games of basketball and raquetball came up that I couldn't turn down and today was the first of our intermural flag football game (which we won with an incredible come from behind win) and even though I couldn't contribute much I wouldn't miss that for a whole lot.

- And so just another ho hum week of college lies ahead of me and I'm content and bored at the same time. A few tests, a few nights of hanging out, nothing really special until this Friday when me, Britt, and Brittany are going to the Taking Back Sunday concert in Boulder. Free tickets to The Fray concert here on campus fell into my lap tonight after football and me and Adam went and while everyone else loved it, I wasn't impressed. They're just a little to girly for me and I don't really know any songs of thiers beyond the hit that gets played on the radio all the time. Taking Back Sunday on the other hand is going to have an insane mosh pit and I know and love almost every song they've made. After that everyone is going on another overnight ski trip to Copper and I just remembered how much fun the last one was and I can hardly wait. All I've gotta get through are a few days of tests and the usual and the best weekend of my life's waiting for me. Just a few more days...

Stillness

- I'm having a tough day. There's something inside of me thats bothering me that I can't do anything about. I just spent an hour reading Tim O' Brians, The Things They Carried out of a sheer boredom that's defined my afternoon despite the fact that its not reading thats going to be required for another couple of weeks. I don't feel the time was wasted at all though as the book hit me hard in a way that I didn't expect. The things he talked about from his experiences to his childhood ideals to courage to youth to life in general reached below what I think and grabbed what I am. He is exactly what I would have been if I had been in his shoes. I hate it yet it fascinates me.

- Quiet by John Mayer is my favorite song in the world. I'm soaking it up.

Thoughts on my Family and My Friends

- I'm back at school but not before a major fight with my parents before I left over the car frustrations I have to deal with consistantly. It wasn't any fun but I feel like at least something got resolved from the whole situation. I also had a nice chat with Jodi on the drive up. Man, it really made me miss her. My family has lost the whole concept of spending time together and Jodi more than most since she works up in Fort Collins all the school breaks where we might have had a chance to spend some time together. Next time I'm home I'm resolving to take Julie bowling, take Jenna to a park or something, and maybe see a movie with the older two sisters. My family drives me crazy with some of the things they do but they're gonna be the only ones that are there for me from the beggining to the end.

- I also missed my friends up here at CSU. We all got together and played a game of poker last night and even though luck wasn't on my side, I had a good just sitting there socializing. I think some people take thier friends for granted and alienate them in favor of trying to create a self image they prefer over what they are in reality. Spring break showed me that the friends I've kept from high school are always going to be there for me and there I would be hard pressed to find a greater comfort than to have a group of friends that even when they change they still accept you for who you are. Spring break also showed me that the friends I have up in college have expanded my existance and made me a better and deeper person in the end.

- Its going to be a hard week of school but I'm ready for it. I'm even thankful for this blanket of wet snow I'm gonna have to trudge through to get to class today. Its really soothing. Today's gonna be a good day.

Sampling From my Mind During Spring Break 06'

- Sorry but this post is going to be all over the place. I've got a lot to say but I don't really want to be to verbose in my posts so this is going to be a sampler platter of the things going on with me right now.

- I survived another March 15th. Its a big day for me because it marks the aniversary of the turning point in my life. Two of the most important people in my life came up out of nowhere during the month of March and both have left me changed forever.

- What a spring break. The highs and lows I've experienced over the last week really knocked me off my horse so to speak. Shame that metaphore doesn't make more sense because thats exactly how its been.

- The lows have included finding out I have two major surgery's in front of me this summer after enduring a dentist and doctor's appointment that were both really uncomforatable. I think I have a phobia going to health related apointments. I hate every part about them; the sounds of drills, the outdated waiting room magazines, those little paper coverings they put on the examination beds, the latex gloves, that little receptionist area where they ask you to set up another appointment, I even the awkward small talk that happens when the doctor comes back after you sit by yourself in a room crowded with health fliers. I hate it all. And then if all that wasn't enough to make the experience miserable, I always seem to have to endure bad news at the end. I consider myself a healthy individual. I brush twice daily, I stay active, I eat ok, I even take the stairs instead of the elevator. But nothing I do ever stops the bad news from comming. And Its always something I can't control. Honestly, it drives me crazy.

- I apologize for that tangent. I'm still a little bit cranky from the stomache caused by the dental hygenist forcing an overdose of flouride down my throat.

- And then there were the other lows of break. Me, Stephen, Cliff, and the new Jon Harris tried to put a camping trip together but all the karma I'd built up over the past year decided to cash in on me. Nothing went right for us and the adventure ended with me and Stephen driving back from Greely at 5 in the morning. It was still fun being with my buddies again and it was almost funny what a disaster everything turned out to be. On top of that shipwreck were the periods of intense boredom between all the times I was having a blast. A guy can't go from overstimulation to being vegitative and not go a little bit crazy.

- But lets take a step back and look at the big picture of my break. If this was all that happened it would have just been a bad break, and even though its been wierd I wouldn't call it bad. Me, Jared, and Jordan finally got together for a long need jam session. James is still in the Carolinas so we were without a bassist but it was great nonetheless. I need to find a band to play with in Fort Collins. I'm starting to get rusty. And after that we broke in to the gym with Cliff, Jon, and Tyler and played some solid games basketball until a little after midnight. If my break had been nothing else positive but this, my break would still be successful.

- I'm ready to go back to school though. I love college and I love never being bored.

- I'm excited for the next couple months of my life. And I mean literally excited. Much love ya'll.

Next Year

- My plans for next year are falling into place nicely. Adam, Jeff, and I went appartment shopping Tuesday and I for the first time realized that moving out of the dorms is actually a financial possibility. We toured one that all three of us got really excited about. Its a place called the University house and for around 500 a month each we get a fully furnished, huge, appartment with all the bills included in the rent with the exception of gas and electricity which would run around 25 a month. My parents agreed to spot me however much the dorms would cost and I just did a little math and figured that my meal plan alone costs around 400 a month. I'm not sure if they're really gonna spot me the full amount though because they are heavily in favor of me staying in the dorms all four years like they did in college. We're gonna go look at houses today and that excites me. The concept of having a yard and a building of our own is something that I enjoy but houses are more complicated than an apartment in that they have less included and finding a complete deal is rather challenging.

- I also have a job opportunity that has fallen into my lap so I'll be able to pay for the things I'm going to need next year. Its only open to pysch majors, pays 10 dollars an hour, works in the Lory Student Center which means getting to it's gonna be really easy, and its great resume fodder for a career in pyschology if I do end up deciding to pursue it.

- Spring break is a day away and its well timed. Had it been a week earlier I wouldn't have been so excited about the concept and had it been a week later I would have not been able to wait. I've got a couple things going on but its going to be nice to just have a week off to sit around and relax.

- On another note, Taking Back Sunday is comming on tour here the Tuesday after break and me Britt and Brittany got tickets! I'm pumped.

Free Till Monday

- Look at me posting before 2:00 am. The tone of this post is a litte more postive than the previous series as well because after that last Tuesday night, the other shoe, as expected dropped. Things just started going my way and they haven't stopped since.

- Wednesday was a little tough but my problems weren't much more than nuisances.

- Thursday was probably the best school day of my life. Chemistry, (Thats right, chemistry. The worst class ever invented) was, for the first time, kind of interesting. My teacher took a break from his boring angry rambling to take some time to blow stuff up. After that I headed to American Culture where instead of being lectured at, a blue's guitarist came in and played for us in a way that inspired me and fascinated me and made me not want to leave class for a couple of weeks. Unfortunantly, that had to end so I headed off to Health and Wellness which, to my suprise was only 20 mins long instead of the normal hour and half of looking at genitals infested with STD's I was used to.

- And then Friday came. I got test scores back that made me realize that maybe, in fact, I wasn't going to fail out of college and maybe I could pull off another semester with A's and B's. I even passed my IMP math test and found out I was 8 weeks ahead in the class than I was expected to be. Walking back from the Oval with Jeff after rocking that, the fact that it was the weekend hit me like a load of bricks. And I've got to tell you it felt amazing. It wasn't just the end of a school week. It was the start of sleeping in and playing super nintendo for hours and running around and getting dirty and going to bed at odd hours of the night and on and on. In short, it was the epitome of all the good parts of college. For whatever reason, it took me until this very weekend to realize what the concept of a weekend really means. Its the bad times that make the good times so worth living for. After school and math we all went and played racquetball, something I always enjoy. We had nine people from my group of friends show up and ended up playing some good games and laughing a lot. After racquetball we hung out for a while and the gorgeous weather we've been allowed us to head out at 10 at night and play some good hard sand volleyball. I miss doing that. Its really how I got to know a lot of the people I hang out with regularly now. We watched Final Destination when we got back and I had a good time creeping Jessica out when she was already on edge.

- Saturday was lazy like what Saturday's should be. I slept till about noon and went with Brian and Joel down to the rec center around 1:30 and played basketball with the other 30 guys already down there. I couldn't shoot worth my life but I was moving the ball well getting some good inside drives and I had a really good time meeting some new people. I came back to the dorm after that and played Super Nintendo with Brittany for what must have been a total of 5 hours off and on. Judge me if you will but that was exactly what I wanted to do with my afternoon. We beat the entire game of Mario 2 and most of the first one before we called it a day. The rest of the night everyone just hung out and watched movies and talked and messed around and eventually went to bed.

- Sunday, Jeff, Brittany, and I drove to Greely for a CSU vs. UNC baseball double header. I challenge you to find two people who are easier to spend a Sunday afternoon with. It was amazing. The weather was perfect, about 65 with a light breeze and clear sky's and we just hung out, ate fast food, watched some baseball and laughed a lot. We drove back to the Fort in time for the premiere of the movie Chris, Bri, Issac, Robert, and Britt made for the Rams with Cams competition. They didn't place in the field of the 15 movies that made it to the premiere but the fact that they even made it through such a large field of entries speaks for how good the movie was.

- That brings me to where I am now; recharged and ready for a stressful week of school before spring break. Sorry that I made a laundry list of my weekend and sorry for any errors. I don't want to take the time to proof read right now. Its just that I wanted to show the way that things always have a tendancy to turn around. I knew they were going to and a weekend like this won't do anything but give me hope next time things take a turn for the worse.

Reality

- I always knew. I know people. I can usually tell when I'm being lied to when the person is just trying to protect my feelings, even if its for them in the end. But this was one of those times where I prayed I was wrong. I had nothing left to lose but my pride. Maybe I was more important than that. Maybe I was worth more than to be manipulated while in my hippocracy I was doing the very thing I despised. Maybe my wildest scenario, a dream romance, could come true. Maybe love could overcome everything, even when I was saying it was dead.

- I was wrong. It was dead. It died that night with Linsey and ironically it died only a few yards and a few minutes away. It almost seems like a sign that I've been thinking of that horrible night over the last few days more often and at the same time decided to find the truth of what happened after it was over. It breaks my heart because something inside of me enjoyed living in a selfish bliss. I don't deserve something that I can't give. I won't know love until I learn to give it beyond my words. I need to learn love in my actions and more importantly in my thoughts. I need to learn the love thats unselfish and not always glamorous. But before that I need to be broken. God I'm so afraid of being broken.

- I'm working through the struggles. I feel so alive. The truth isn't pretty, but its real. I need a little bit of reality in my life.