Freakin Weekend

- I had a great weekend. Cliff, Jared, and Jacob came up along with Jeff's friends Dustin and Nick and I got to hang out with them the better portion of the weekend. I see Cliff about everyweek and it was good seeing him again, but I forgot how great Jared and Jacob were and the good times we've had. I think it was good for Jared to get away from Aurora and I'm really glad he came.

- I also love how much time I got to spend with Hattie this weekend. My fantastic date plans fell through due to time constraints but that didn't put a damper on the fun we could have together. Thats a real good sign when you can be happy and satisfied by just being together. Its amazing how every one of the three football shes gone to me with, CSU has lost, and I've still considered the game fun cause she was there to cheer me up and keep me from sulking after the loss as I have a tendancy to do. I get so unnecessarily emotionally involved in those games that its nice to look at whos standing next to me and bring it all back into perspective.

- Its surreal having to go back to class today. This weekend felt completely different from all the rest and for once, I was able to completely forget about the things I've been worrying about in the comming week and beyond. Its too bad I can't live in this fairy tale world, but I guess everyone needs to come back down to earth again sooner or later. The vacation was nice.

In My Dust

- I, even though I don't always show it externally, am a very opinionated person and can be very stubborn and set in my ways regarding my philosophies on life. I'm not talking about my thoughts on society or politics, but intstead my little patterns of behavior approaching certain situations and deciding what the best way to handle them is. Even though I know I don't, a little part of me likes to think I've got a lot of these things figured out and I hold myself and others to them without thinking twice. But just now, as I was getting ready for bed, a little nagging tinge of guilt hit me, and I took a quick retrospective trip though my past, both recent and distant and three particular people stuck out in my mind as examples of how my occasional inability to be philosophically flexible has left these three out to dry. If I had been treated the same way I ended up treating them; after all was said and done, I would have resented them intensely. I really feel like I need to set this right but unfortunantly, for most of the cases, its waaay to late to start fixing it, and the only real thing I can do is just not to make the same mistake again.

- So I'm sorry. Consider this my commitment to turn this around and live a little less selfishly. And I'm also sorry for all the ten dollar words. I had trouble finding simpler, less obnoxious words that would convey this little epiphany. Its not really supposed to make sense to anyone but me anyways so don't think on it too long.

Who Doesn't Love Raspberries?

Pollar bears love Pirates of the Carribean.

Huh? Yeah, it means something to me.

10-22 Matters Now

- Its been a weekend to remember. My life shifted gears a little bit over this last week and a lot of things changed. Change isn't really a bad thing when its from confusion and uncertainty, to confusion and uncertainty with an end in sight. I love where I'm at. I love long road trips to Greely. I love it when Texas wins. I love my roomates. I love the snow and I love having warm fuzzies. Even CSU getting shut out by Wyoming on the road after we traveled all the way down there couldn't faze me because I just had to look around and I'm reminded maybe its not so bad. Maybe I really will be ok.

- Yeah I'll be ok. I'm doing my very best to handle the difficult and tricky things confronting me recently and thats all anyone can ask of me. I need to come to terms with that being all I can really ask of myself but I'm learning.

Faithful

- I'm back at my equalibrium. Its been a great last couple of days.

Cliff and Stevo

- Haha. God its good to be young.

There We Go

- Wow, I'm in a good mood right now. Everyone has those days where everything just seems to go wrong. Well, today, I'm having one of those days where everything just goes right. I'm the kind of happy where when you take a deep breath in, you can feel it in your chest. It doesn't take much to get me here but man, when it does, I feel it.

- A big part of the times are from the last quality couple hours I spent watching the Chicago Bears pull off one of the most amazing and entertaining comebacks over the Arizona Cardinals I've ever seen with my roomates and Laura. I don't even care about either of these teams and its amazing how big I could get into that game seeing as I had no stock in it at all. There hasn't been a day where I've thought twice about living with Adam and Jeff and a big reason why is times like this.

- Other little things have picked me up over the day, none of which would make any sense to anyone but me, but God I feel blessed.

- We'll see how long the feeling lasts as I go finish this psych paper thats been getting pushed back all night.

Sweet Release

- It's amazing how much good can come out of this. I love how good I feel right now. I love how free I finally am. When I take a step back and look at the whole situation, I know, in some strange way, that this is what I needed all along. Slowly but surely over the last couple months, I've torn myself apart and not just cause of Brittany. I've tried to make for myself a life and character that I'm not, and slowly but surely I've destroyed who I really am. I hit a new low over the last week and finally took the initiative for change. God's grand tapestry for my life isn't mine to design and there's so much incredible beauty now that I'm learning to let go a little bit. Ironically enough, tonight could not have gone any better.

- I'm ready to start rebuilding and getting myself out of this fall semester rut. And this time, I'm gonna do it right and not do anything at all.

Reversing Mistakes

- So thanks to Britt I got the load off my chest. Its nice to have someone to help support my emotional burden, but I feel bad that its gotta be her with all the stuff I know is going on in her life. She'd probably scoff at the idea, but I feel kinda bad anyway. I learned how terrible I am with orating myself in situations such as these and how tough it is for me to say what I'm actually meaning, but it was enough to do the trick and for her to make some sense of the whole complicated mess. The situation's not fixed by any means and honestly, its something I need pray about before I make any drastic steps, but whatever's going to go down is probably gonna go down in the next couple of weeks wheather I decide to take any kind of initiative one way or the other or pull a Jay and just let it ride. If nothing else I'm comming to terms with the fact that no matter what happens, it's whats in store for me in God's plan and even if I can't see it now, it'll be the best thing for me. If history's any indicator of times where something wasn't going like I wanted it to but in the long run I'd be screwed if it were different, than you think I'd have a little faith by now.

- I'm going to the CSU-AirForce game tomorrow in Colorado Springs with Jeff, Adam, Laura, Kyra, Hattie, and Shelly and I'm looking foward to it. It's gonna provide moment of truth #1.

Almost Out of Time

- I'm a notorious quitter. I remember my first time skiing when I poured to my mom with complete honesty that I couldn't and never could do it. I get easily discouraged and my tendancy to throw in the towel has filled my life with regrets over the years. If things don't go according to the fairy tale I build for myself everyday in everything I do, it takes a rare spark of courage for me to overcome my desire to just walk away with a solid, "Oh well, I tried. Its not for me."

- My mom was the force that pulled me back up the lift and today I love hitting the slopes whenver I get the chance, but even she can't help me with this one. I'm on my own. And this time I can't find the courage in me. I want more than anything to find the courage to not quit. I want to find the courage to not throw the whole year away. I'm almost out of time after months upon months of stalling. I want to take a step outside myself, free myself from the prison of a bitten tongue and a skeptical mind. But I can't. And day by day I see it slipping out of my fingers and I feel myself being pulled in another direction. I look ahead and I see a fog of unoptimistic uncertainty, a shell of a soul crushed like a Christmas ornament, never to be the same. I see hurt, confusion, and isolation, yet deep inside of me there's that quitter that reasons that it won't be that bad and I'd be doing the best thing for me to pull me out of a rut I'm slowly sinking deeper in. I keep digging this hole and recently, I've been my own worst enemy. This time, the quitter might be right this time. I know I'm blowing everything out of proportion but I don't know which side of me to bieleve.

- I want to get through this. I don't like it. I hate all the futile complexity it adds to my life. It isn't even driving my mood anymore. It just pokes its head up now and then to remind me that I haven't addressed it yet and everytime, it makes its presence felt more intensely than the last.

- I'm lost. Completely lost.

- I was walking to class today and I saw Keri. It kinda wierded me out cause I never seem to see anybody around campus, but we smalled talked for a minute and just as I was leaving she called out my name with that incredible sincerity that reminds me that I'm not alone in this and told me that she misses me that we needed to hang out on the roof again like we had done towards the beggining of the semester. I couldn't agree more. Keri is the one that I need to get advice from and I can't explain why. I'm not being obnoxiously vauge on this one, I really don't know why its her instead of going to my parents or those friends I know I could trust my life with.

- Life can be so complicated sometimes. I hate this entry and how it can't at all get across what I'm even getting so worked up about. I suck with words. I'll work through this. I'll work through all the tough decisions I'm going to be making this year and in the long run, this is probably one of the least important. But for now, I just need to give it a rest.

Homecomming Weekend

- What a great weekend. I met some new people, watched CSU ride to 4-1, and learned a lot about myself. It was something special, let me tell you.

- But at the same time, this weekend threw another twist in the plot. Talk about conflicting emotions. It'll be interesting to see how this one plays out. Sometimes I wonder if a lot of my problems and frustrations don't stem from me trying to blame someone else for what's happening without even knowing I'm doing it. I need to man up a bit.

- As for this week, its one superflous Bio test from potentially being one of the best ever. But thats just the optimism talking.

Hope

- How could I forget? Sometimes I need to be put in that quiet dark place so I can hear that still small voice. I know what I need to do. I know what I don't need to do. Its just a matter of taking the initiative and doing it.

- Hope's a fragile thing and taking it and this little spark of courage into my next couple day and maybe weeks needs to become a new goal in my life.

Blech

- I'm in a wierd place right now. I don't really know what I want and its really frustrating. The semester's going by really quickly and I feel like I'm wasting the best years of my life, but at the same time I don't know to do to fix it. I worry too much about things I shouldn't. This isn't me. I've never been one to just sit around and worry about one thing after another climbing hill after hill only to start worrying about the next thing comming up. Its confusing and it sucks. I can't even string together a coherant blog entry.

- I'll get through it. I'm just tired of this emotional purgatory.