What Happens in a Week

- Another week and I still haven't updated. I'm gonna reget it because its stuff I wanna remember, but I've been so dadgum busy.

- Most of my time was spent, admitidly, with Kristen. I still spent time with the friends but seeing as I had so little time until she had to leave for Cincinnati, I took liscenses and spent a lot more with her than I would normally spend with a girl. We went to Elitches on Thursday. It was a lot of fun. We hit nearly ever ride in the park.

- Friday I graduated. I thought it was going to be terrible and smaltzy, but it was actually really cool. It was a rush walking up and recieving my diploma and realizing that I, Jay Hardy, am no longer in high school. Its fun getting handshakes and hugs from my favorite teachers and chilling with my friends before hand. Quite an experience. Graduation parties followed and those were ok. I'm sick of explaining my college choice and major though. I'm thinkin about making buisness cards with a paragraph about what my future plans are and handing them to those that ask. I also decided to chop off my hair. I'm glad I did it. Long hair is fun but right now I think that my chemo-cut as I call it is a lot more of a viable and reasonable option. Easier to take care of and I can wear hats again. I love hats. They make me happy.

- Saturday hearlded more graduation parties including mine. I got quite a haul with some pretty cool stuff. I'm not lookin foward to my 40 thank you notes I've got ahead of me. The Igo's gift was my favorite. They got me a Chipotle gift card which, I decided, is more valuable than money because I can spend it on my favorite food in the entire world without feeling guilty at how much I'm wasting.

- Sunday was cool too. Its amazing the kind of peace I can find at church. Its like a support blanket for me. I was almost even kinda dissapointed that we didn't have any evening activities. I'm gonna miss these people.

- Monday was my last full day with Kristen. I spent the whole day with her packing and going out to eat and meeting with all of her friends shes leaving behind and hangin out with her family and going to final graduation parties. Her brother Ryan made my day when he gave me a hug and told me he liked me. For those that don't know Ryan, he has downsyndrome and is the sweetest kid you'll ever meet. I'm gonna miss that guy.

- The other shoe finally dropped this morning when Kristen and her grandpa loaded up her Jetta and took off for Graceland and then Cincinnati. It was hard. I'm not gonna lie. I know it isn't the last time I'm ever gonna see her, but that doesn't make it any easier. Her mom took me out to IHOP afterwords and that was really nice. It helped me gather myself and my thoughts. She also made me a batch of cookies. I swear, Mrs. Fenwick is the sweetest lady I've ever met in my life. She was more blubbery than I was. She kept tellin me how she was gonna miss me as much as Kristen was. Sigh. Gods teachin me something. I'm gonna learn something. Still waiting to find out what.

- Its time to switch my focus to Mission Trip. I'm gonna take the day to myself however. I took Jenna to Target and I'm gonna just spend the rest of the day relaxing, reflecting, and renergizing. I'll probably update more. I need to. These are the best days of my life. Its important I write em down.

Let it Drop

- I'm havin a bad deja vu. Its different this time around though. Its really wierd. I've seen places I go in dreams I had a long time ago. Coincidence I'm sure. Its probably just my mind playin tricks on me. It bothers me sometimes. Not a good feeling. Its like little flashes of painful bits of my past haunt me at random times during my day. It brings me down.

- Another thing that bothers me is how sometimes I feel distant. Like I'm living in a daze. Almost outta body in feeling even if not in actuality. I think its because since high school ended, I've felt disconected and out of place. My mind is somewhere else. Theres just something that I want so bad for my life. Its hard. Its difficult. Its not easily attained. And worst of all... its so close. Someday I'm gonna get off my pedestal and humble myself. I need more humility. And responsability. I think I'm fairly irresponsible.

- Really, I'm not in a bad mood. Just one of those contemplative moods. I just hate feeling like I don't deserve all I've been given. I know I don't but that doesn't make it any easier. I see myself as a fat cat sometimes. Full of blessings and selfishly ungenerous with the gifts I've been given.

- This comming month will be a test for me. I hope I hold up. My futures beggining. I just hope it doesn't start without me.

End of School to Prom

- Wow. Its nearly been a week since I've last posted. Theres so much going on. Its crazy. I've been meaning to post but since school got out I haven't had a moments rest. Well, here I go.

- Wednesday was the last day of school. It was a long one at that. I got everything taken care of and turned in the last assignement of my k-12 career. THAT is a good feeling. Its fun that all the underclassmen still have school because it just enhances my understanding of being happy that I'm out.

- Senior day was on Thursday but I missed it because I slept through it. I wish so bad I could have gone. All my friends had such a good time. Even the ones who, like myself, just assumed it would be stupid. Everyone got burnt like lobsters though so I guess I'm ok with missing that part.

- Friday was the official end to high school as the graduation ceremony is just that, a ceremony. I've got the little thing sitting in front of me right now telling me I'm done forever. No matter how many times I say that it still won't sink in. I went with Matt, Scott, and Tim to Star Wars after that and only when I got there realized it wasn't just the four of us. It was like a middle school reunion for me as almost all of my middle school friends were there. About 30 people in total. We filled up half the movie theater and we were all talking and yelling and intermingling. I felt bad for the other patrons that had to put up with our schenangins. It was so much fun though. I forgot how much I missed all them. For whatever reason, once we hit high school, we went our own separate ways. Good times were had by all. I headed home after that and got a phone call from Jordan. Took off to Brandons house for a couple hours of chilling before I once again had to come home so my parents could go out to dinner with the Ingrams while I watched the little sisters. After that, in line with whats turning into a daily ritual, I went over to Kristens house and watched some more Alias. We officially watched all of season one and are a good chunk into season two. Really, all it is is a cleaver excuse to spend time with before she leaves here in less than two weeks.

- Saturday was dominated by prom. I spent the morning fine tuning the details such as my outfit, reservations, picture times and the like. Jessie went to prom this year too. She was going with Chris, a guy from my soccer team way back in 5th gradish. She looked stunning. The blue dress really acentuated her skin tone, whatever that means. Hey, I know what it means. My little sister is all grown up and going to prom. It brings a tear to my eye. Shes gonna have a fun time as an upperclassmen these next couple years. Shes figured out the trick to high school a lot earlier than I did and she'll be better off for it.

- After all her pictures got taken and her limo was a speck in the distance my family loaded up and headed to Kristen's house for pictures. I'm not a picture kinda guy. I don't like em. I always look wierd in them because I always feel wierd in them. It was ok however, because I wasn't so focused on myself as I was on Kristen. She looked gorgeous. The dress must have been made for her because she looked spectacular. Her makeup and hair and everything was perfect. But for a girl that looks so good, she sure is a lot of fun to be around. We went to Josephina's in Larimer in downtown and had a good dinner there. It was a little awkward when a group of 12 or so of our classmates came in and sat at a table near ours. Turns out she had said no to two of them that had asked her out. Kinda made me feel special in a mean jerky kinda way that she'd give me a chance but that didn't make sitting near them any less guilty.

- I'm kinda running outta steam in writing this post so details are beggining to get a little less numerous. Sorry. I'll fix it some other time when I'm not about to pass out.

- Prom itself was incredible. I not much of a dance person myself but it was so much fun. I can't wait until pictures get here. I bet they are gonna turn out real nice. Afterprom was fun too. Not as great as the rest of the night because it was a touch overcrowded but fun nonetheless. I stumbled in the doorway between 4 and 5 in the morning giddy but exauhsted. Mom woke me up and dragged me out of bed two hours later to church which even though I was tired and wasn't planning on going, was good for me. It was relaxing in its own way.

- This weeks going to be good as well. Probably about as busy as last week. Staying busy is good. I enjoy business. Right now, however, I need a nap before I die.

Much love Ya'll.

Quiet in My Mind

- Tomorrow is my last day of school. That feels so wierd. I don't know what to do with myself. Its like someone hit me with a brick and I can't focus on anything. It makes me want to cry. I don't know why, but I can't stand it. Life goes too fast. Its like over the last couple of years my eyes got opened to the opportunities of everything I could ever want. I lose an attitude and gain the world. Now I can't get enough. Time is cruel. I'm gonna miss high school. People say college years are the best in life but they are gonna have to be pretty dang good to beat

- I've got about half of John Mayer songs learned on guitar. I'm learning so much in terms of my own style and guitar technique from him. If theres anything that can distract me its playing his jazz-fusion outside on a nice day like this. I love guitar. Its like my personal social hole where I can just think and relax.

- Kristen's leaving in two weeks. I tried so hard not to get attached. Didn't work. Even my parents love her. She sat with them while I blew my song at the jazz song tonight. We've almost gotten all the way through season 1 of Alias.

- Oh man. Not enough time. 3 months left with these people I love. Then comes the next step in life. I'll be ready. I gotta do some soul searching. Responsibilty takes a lot out of you. Especially when living selfishly is all you know. Thats all I know. God's got other things for me in my life. I can't stay idle forever. MT this summer will help me focus. I need focus.

Thats it.

Huh?

Free frosties and the Weather Channel can make a month.

If only...

- Suprisingly today was a day dominated by school work. I elected to not go to my English class in favor of sleeping in and then spent the next 4 hours of my off hour writing a paper on, of all things stress. This was no ordinary paper mind you. This was a research paper. That means four hours of writing and 11 pages of information was, though only a mandatory rough draft, not enough. Ironically it was on, of all things, stress. I can tell you honestly without wavering, I learned a lot about stress today. I got it done however and the feeling was good. By the time I hand in my final draft on Tuesday it will be around 30 pages based on the amount of information my teacher said I was missing. Oh well. Its the end of high school. Why not go out about it with a bang, huh? That brings me to my other point. 3 DAYS OF SCHOOL LEFT! I still haven't shaken off the truth of this bitter sweet fact. My summers gonna be a blast. College is going to be a blast. Leaving these people (and them leaving me) that I love? Not a blast. I think today was the very first time in my life that I have ever been dissapointed at having to drive to school as opposed to being dropped off.

- Dinner with the Fenwicks last night was without a doubt an adventure. My stupid dentist appointment ran long so they went on ahead and Kristen waited at her house so she would go with me. Jessie had the car so my dad dropped me off at Kristen's house and she drove. Bless her heart the girl cannot follow directions for the life of her. We were driving for about an hour when I realized we had made it all the way to my aunt's old house in Littleton which was about half an hour past our destination of Hacienda Colorado. With some frantic phone calls to her parents and some helpful advice we slowly but surely worked our way back in the general vicinity of the restaurant. Kristen felt so terrible about making her brother wait that she was freaking out to no means. After recognizing the wrong building to be the restaurant about 12 times, Kristen lost focus and due to a lasp in attention turned into the wrong lane facing the flow of traffic. There were no cars on the road and had one not slowly came around the corner you never would have known it, but Kristen swears the situation was a cheat on death. Its just because shes the type of girl that is afraid to make a U-turn or a right on red. Shes so cute when shes panicky. I was trying so hard not to laugh because I didn't want her to feel bad. Well we finally got there and ordered food and just sat and chatted. Her mom did most of the chatting. Shes a very talkative yet undeniably friendly woman. I love Kristen's mom. At one point she was talking about Kristen and her homecoming experience and asked me if I had gone. I hadn't gone this year and she shook her head and said "yeah, you two really shoulda met sooner". Great. She's absolutley right but it just yanked me back down to earth making me realize that we really do only have about 3 more weeks before she moves. I know it'll be difficult but I do a pretty good job about not looking at the facts. This incredible girl that I've grown so close to is gonna be gone from life; right when I thought I had it all figured out. I really don't see what she could see in me that would make her so crazy about me. I've never wanted to talk to and spend time with a person so bad. I was faking it with Audra. With the others, I didn't even put forth the effort to fake it.They understood I wasn't commited. My day isn't complete unless I can spend a couple of hours just relaxin at her house watching Alias. The show itself is even starting to get interesting. Gods teaching me through this. I'm gonna learn something. Even if I don't like it.

- Even though I'm crazy about her, I've still got my priorities straight. I'm not gonna ditch the boys just because I've got another half. Shes unusually cool about this too. Kristen is more adimate that I don't abandon my other friends for her than I am. So I went out tonight with Tim, Scott, and a guy I'd never met before named Jake. He was cool. He had a funny laugh though. Matt never showed up. We saw the movie Kingdom of Heaven. The plot was very similar to the producer's other movie Gladiator and the big battle scene was really kinda cool. The message was a terrible message though. It was big anti-Christian propoganda film. The morals were those of an agnostic, a craze sweeping the nations youth that drives me crazy in its complete lack of common sense and faith in the favor of a self-richeous "I know best" attitude. It was alright though. Watching a movie with these fellas is something in and of itself. They're a riot. A whole bundle of fun to be around.

- And thus ends my last full week of school. I've got to work at the Johnson's early and all day tomorrow. Not particularly thrilled about it but I'm gonna take a good attitude towards. It'll be fun if I make it fun. I'm not gonna be the stick in the mud that brings everybody down. Besides, this work actually has meaning. Meaning is good.

-Till then...

No time to be sick

- So, Tuesday, while jetskiing I notice myself getting a little raspy. I didn't think anything of it but before you know it, by the end of the night, I had developed a full blown cold. This is that terrible kinda cold that keeps you awake all night and thats exactly what it did. I'm on massive sleep deprivation right now but I don't think I'm not gonna feel it for another couple of hours. Two nights in a row of tossing and turning and not being able to breath. It sucks.

- The full blunt of my "disease" struck me yesterday at the senior awards ceremony. It was three hours long and the awards I recieved were fairly mediocre. I was sitting there listen to long speaches about the "Renaissance students" not being able to breath and needing to get up and move around to get the juices flowing. Also I got to look like an idiot cuz when they called my name for my first awards, I misunderstood the instructions and was still sitting in my seat. I had to make my way by 20 knees amist the chuckles of the full audtiorium. At least I wasn't alone. Two other students made the same mistake I did. I'm just glad I wasn't the first. Ed's never gonna live that down. It also made me happy because the consolation award in addition to the other one I won was one step above Tim's. It made me laugh that the virtue Mrs. Richards assigned to him for his Distinguished Scholar award was the virtue of wit. That pretty much means she thinks hes a jack off. Every one else's was something nice like Courage and Warmth and Support. It fits him well though. Everyone there knew it.

- So due to a suprise dentist appointment Kingdom of Heaven is gonna have to wait until tomorrow. Its ok. In fact, it worked out really well. It's Ryan's birthday today and I was invited to go to dinner with the Fenwicks to celebrate and the postponing of the movie means I get to do both. Its fun having enough to do that I have to be flexible. It makes me feel important. Thursdays used to be a homebody day for me.

- You know the feeling when something you really wanted is working out exactly the way you wanted? Isn't it uncanny? Its like I don't know what to do with myself. I also find it uncanny that the most innocent are able to be the most honest people amoung us. A lil' bit of truth never hurt anyone. Just makes the dishonest nervous. Thats my philosophical discovery for this week.

The Best Days.

- Ahhh. Takin' in everyday. The last couple have been very good. My time to spend with Kristen before she leaves is running out. We hang out almost every opportunity we get and I love every second of it. I just feel like I don't have enough Time. She gives me something really good to look forward to everyday. Add that to the great group of friends I have in addition to her and I really see that I have it good. I think thats one of the reasons why I'm throwing such a fit about leaving. The people God has placed in my life in church, school, and old friends from work really do a good job of pickin me up everytime I get down. I feel that when I go to college my ties will be cut with almost all of them, especially the ones I hold closest to me. I bieleve that God needs me to leave my comfort zone to fully use me but, well... the comfort zone is so comforatable. I need to start focusing on maitaining the memories instead of trying to hold on to them. College is going to be fun. I'm going to meet a bunch of new people and create new connections similar to what I have here but its going to be... different. I guess I just gotta get used to it.

- I went jetskiing with Jon, Cliff, and Stephen today. That was really good for me. It helps take my mind off of things. I'm burnt like the redman I am though. I'm actually not red but its really dark and it contrasts fairly blatently with the white of the bottom of my arm. I watched a whole chunk of the first Season of Alias with Kristen after that. We've been working on it for the last couple weeks and hope to finish it before she moves. She really loves that and its growing on me to. I've got an awards Ceremony tomorrow night. I don't want to go but the last time I ditched an awards Ceremony I let down my old Math teacher who came to talk for me specifically and only. Then on Thursday me Tim and Scott are going to see Kingdom of Heaven. It looks sweet. I can't wait. The weekend is going to be filled with church and though a bunch of its work, I still enjoy it anyway. Anything can be fun when you're in the right company. These next couple of weeks are going to be crazy. I can't wait.

So Deep

- Oh man is the best way to describe the last couple days. Its been good though. I slept in till noon on Friday as I had an AP Euro test in the afternoon. Its a good thing I did to because had I taken after gym class as what woulda happened had I gone, I wouldn't have had the energy to get through it. It was a mentally draining test, specifically because of the essays. They were dense and ambiguous but I scraped out something from somewhere in my essay catalogue of makin stuff up. The test gave me a killer headache, but after all was said and done but I think I passed. I'm proud that Kristen got through it ok. She was stressing out all week but she came out confident and a changed girl. We celebrated the end of our legitimate academic career with Wendy's and then we went back to her house and just sat around, talked, and watched movies all night. Shes makin it real hard for me to be able to let go when she heads off to college. I'll survive though. I'm glad we get the time we have.

- Then came Saturday. It was gorgeous in the morning and Cliff, Jared, and I hung out at the park and celebrated our new mutual obsession, basketball. We're playin all the time now. Its getting rediculous. Oh well, you can't have too much of a good thing. 11:30 I hopped in the car and headed off to church for our Cinco De Mayo volenteer work. Things didn't fall into place really well and after a lil bit of lingering we got assigned to trash duty. Bill kept my moral up though and kept me from becoming sulky so props to him. I think it would have been fun to go to it under different circumstances. It was like a big block party. Very orderly and neat too which exceeded my expectations.

- Headed back to the church after that for Exit 7. The last one and it a good time. More basketball, this time a lil bit bigger game with Austin's possy. Chair soccer after that. I gotta say, Courtney is a beast when it comes to chair soccer. You couldn't get it by her. I think on one occasion I got body checked into the wall. I was impressed. It was a smaller group too being that we didn't play it until the end of the night which allowed for a lil more movement and freedom to dribble around.

- And that leads me here, in front of the computer and exhausted but too overstimulated to go to bed. Times running out here. I think I'm doing a good job of making the best of it. When its time for me to go I'll be ready. I'm not now but I will be.

Supa Swank

- Life is good. My mood got turned around upon the heralding of the potatoe games at MABC. There is something theraputic and reviatlizing about playing 500 with potatoes. When that dead vegitable hits the bucket and potatoe juice splashes all over the place and the potatoe split into a million parts, all my worries and cares just melt away. Its also benefitial that the weather is nicening up and I can wear sandles and shorts and feel the cool grass between my toes again. I'll have to remember this game whenever my mood is taking a nose dive.

- So I shoulda gone home and studied but instead I just screwed around until I went to bed. Sue me.

- The AP English test went over ok. Another nice day made it hard to focus but at least I was relaxed in my Diet Coke Lemon shirt, a pair of old shorts and flip flops that I left in the classroom electing to instead go about my buisness barefoot. Under penalty of death, I'm not supposed to discuss the contents of the test so I won't go in detail; partly because I don't the man that secretly reads this blog to invalidate my test, and partly because its not very exciting. After tests were over Jordan, Tim, Justin, and I went to Chipotle. It was such a nice day that we sat outside and just shot the breeze. Jordan decided he needed to go back to Math seeing as he was planning on skipping 4th but Justin, Tim, and I decided not to go in honor of Senior ditch day. 5-5-05 for those of you who are curious. Those guys are a lot of fun and I felt that my afternoon was well spent. By the time we were all finished I went home and napped for a couple hours with the window open and sunshining. I've got some sleeping in time tomorrow morning to because my AP Euro test is in the afternoon and hes not making us come to class in the morning. This is heaven ya'll. Life is good.

Inconsistancy of the Human Heart

- Highschool is ending with a sizzle. The overriding tone of my mood these last couple weeks has been a wierd one at best. I've been uncordinated, unfocused, and unmotivated. I delite in my discomfort though. God'll give me strength to do anything and to come through a stronger servant of him. Its truely a strange feeling to be able to be thankful for the hard times. Things are changing. My life is changing. I'm moving on, even if I'm not ready.

- To make matters worse Kristen's heading off to Ohio pretty shortly after the end of the school year. It eats me alive. I was having a meltdown the other night where I was reflecting on my HS carrer and I was regretting things I did, and didn't do. I really wish I could get another shot at it. I know that even if I did I'd still find things I'm not satisfied with but that doesn't help lighten the panic of what seems like an 18 year old midlife crisis. I talked to Kristen later that night and she calmed me down and mad things seem not so overwhelming. I'm not one to be subject to meltdowns so her help was much appreciated. My day doesn't feel complete until I get to talk to her and its going to be real tough not having that support to lean on. She's gotta get a job down there so she can start earning some money before she starts college in Miami-OH. Its ok though. There are bigger problems. Why doesn't that reasure me.

- I've got more to write about but none of it worth addressing so I'm going to go check out my yearbook we got today. I might write more later if I feel compelled. I wish you all the best.

Variety is the Spice of Life

- As far as weekends go I had an excellent weekend. Kristen said yes and that undoubtedly made me happy. Then I got to do something on Saturday that I haven't been able to do in a really long time. Relax. And I mean slothlike antisocial lazybutt relaxin. Paintball was canceled and though it bummed me I gotta admit I enjoyed sleeping in. Til' noon. When I know I shoulda gotten up. I spent the afternoon indulging myself on cartoons, hamburgers, and a little guitar. However, all good things must end. My attendance was requested at the GHS preforming arts fundraiser where our Jazz Ensemble played a couple songs. It was fun though because we had a good showing and since we weren't preforming in the commons or the auditorium, our audience was about 10 feet away from us. That gave way to massive cheering and hollering and feedback that we just thrived on. It was quite the experience. People were dancing and singing and some even tapped thier feet. I feel bad for the choir that followed us. Though they were excelent, they were far from exciting when compared to the latin groove of Salsa Ti Kaye and the seductive Angel Eyes. Went to Village Inn afterwords with Scott, Ace, Mary Lou, Tyler, Ryan and about 12 people I didn't know. That was a good time. I feel sorry for Villiage Inn having to put up with a gang of roudy teenagers and only about 3 people ordered food. We were respectful mind you but its hard keeping the volume down when you get 20 teens into a small area.

- Sunday was good as well. I fixed my tone problem in the PB by simply switching the amps I was using. It was nice being able to get the sound I wanted and its beyond me why it took me so long to remeber that the Fender amp's tone and intonation is terrible. I also found out that we are leading worship in two weeks at the Senior commencement service. Thats news to me. It'll be an adventure seeing how it turns out with a different atmosphere and song style. I went home after that and met up with Cliff and Jared. We went to Chipotle for some eating, picked up Austin, bought a basketball at Toys R' Us and then we played for about 2 hours at the church. It was fun just getting to hang out with the boys again. My weekends have been so tied up these last couple of weeks doing this and that that I haven't gotten the chance. I went to choir and the MT meeting exauhsted which isn't a good idea. Luckily Bill cut it about 20 mins short. I planned on going to get some Cold Stone with Kristen and Ryan and get some work done on a Euro project we had due today but we got down there and quickly learned it was closed. One thing lead to another before long we were wrapped with watching Saving Silverman on Comedy Central. Hilarious movie btw. Maybe it was just because I was in a stupid mood but I was cracking up. 9:30ish I got home with no hw done and try as I might I c0uldn't focus so I printed out some internet pages on the topic of our presentation and called it a night. Stayin busy is good for me, it keeps me from being bored but boy does it ever make me tired. Honestly, I think its just that I'm lazy and I enjoy sleeping. Still waiting for the other shoe to drop in my life.