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- This summer's going to be the death of me. I waited around all day yesterday for Fazolli's to call to set up my training time and they never did which frustrates and confuses me. I was told at the interview I had the job but with the call not comming on Monday I start to pace over the interview and I can't remember if she said she'd call with results on Monday or Tuesday and what the implications of that are. Maybe she took a closer look at my application and decided she needs managers that will stick around longer than the summer. Maybe I should just call and stop worrying about this so much but again, I don't have initiative to spare myself the pain of uncertainty. I really want to start work soon because I've found that when I'm busy spending time with my friends things are great and I'm in a great mood and where I should be but with everyone's work scheduals and with just the fact that people aren't always doing things here like at college I'll spend a night on my own and it'll bring me right back down to a place where I'm watching the calendar like a kid in school watches the clock waiting for this summer to end. A lot of my friends are in the same emotional imbalance about the first summer after the first year in college I am and I remember it was particularly bad for Jodi after her first year which I guess makes it normal but no less enjoyable. It really hit me hard when I was driving John back to his apartment last Thursday and he was talking about how next year he was going to find an apartment across town and jobs over there and really just start his adult life. I think going to college delays this step but its a step I'm going to be taking within 4 years. Times are changing and while change isn't bad, I'm not ready just to write off all the people and things I've grown to know and love just because its time to "embrace the change". This summer is going to be a long one if I can't find a way to keep myself consistantly busy. All this downtime is really bringing me down and its not even June yet.

Friends + Work = Where I Need to Be

- The summer's going well. I still miss the whole college lifestyle but there's a lot to love here to. Its nice hanging out with home friends again and I need to learn to enjoy this time because after this summer I'm going to see a lot less of them since most of them are staying at thier college towns over the summer like I am due to long leases. I'm so glad Britt, Brittany, and I are making a point to hang out every week cause if we didn't I'd be missing them like crazy and I'd be miserable. I kinda wish I was able to see more of other college people like Jeff, Kim, Adam, and Keri but I'm only beggining to learn how to take the initiative when it comes to hanging out with people and I can't do everything. I hope somebody tries to get the whole gang together sometime this summer but I'm not gonna hold my breath. Sometime mid-July I think I'm gonna try to get everyone together at my house for some kinda get-together but thats still ways a way.

- I interviewed at Fazzolis yesterday and that went really well which gave me a boost in confidence in my ability to find and get jobs. I went in expecting a low level job working the drive in but the boss lady said she really liked my experience and the way I answered the interview questions and she asked me if I was interested in the Associate Manager spot she still had open. It doesn't mean much, just a little bit more pay and a little bit more responsibility but I'd be more than happy. Its not official til Monday when the interviews end but she said I was the top applicant and that I'd be starting training on Tuesday so thats a good thing to hear.

- There are times, though, that I wish I was better at taking the intiative. When opportunites for things I want really bad come along sometimes I find that its difficult for me to take the next step to make them happen. I get complacent and afraid of what could happen if they don't go perfectly and I lose that feeling of hope that someday things might just develop on thier own Unfortunantly a couple times in my past it has just developed like that and it makes taking the risk all that much harder. Such a situation is before me now and I don't want to wait forever but anytime I get ready to take action I reason myself out of it. Something's going to happen over the next couple months and I just hope it goes well and that if it doesn't I won't be destroyed. Sorry to be vauge but I just want to capture the emotional turmoil I'm in without actually taking a real risk and revealing it.

- This week's going to be good. I've got a good feeling about it. And I've decided I think I'm actually going to be able to pay back my dad this summer. Thats real good news. It takes a load off of all the things I was dreading about this summer. On to the adventure that is my life.

What Better Way?

- Life's really funny sometimes. I had a dream last night that I went skiing with a friend of mine from my Chemistry class at CSU and before I put on my ski boots, I changed out of my favorite pair of shoes, my dirty old white Adidas, and put them on a shelf in the ski lodge. I left them there and went off and had a good time skiing only to come back and find that they had been stollen. I got worked up into a rage and was tearing apart the ski resort when I woke up in my bed to the image the same pair of shoes tossed off on the floor in my room. A huge wave of relief came over me before I stopped and thought, "What a stupid thing to be relieved about." I actually laughed to myself out loud and rolled over to go back to sleep.

- And it didn't stop there. Little things throughout my day made me chuckle. For example I was laughing to myself over the sight of a little old lady in the waiting room of the dentist today trying for probably a good half hour to get CBS on the waiting room TV so she wouldn't miss a second of her favorite soap while her equally old husband tried just as desperately to convince her it wasn't going to work and to just give up because they had it taping on the TV at home. Then there was the image on the news just before dinner today of Bono strutting around an African village in his own selfritcheousness and there was a shot of him yelling at an African man on a tractor that he was a rockstar and required a limo.

- The list of things that I found myself laughing at today continued on and on down to the smallest of ironies and it really got me to thinking about how funny life is in general and how ironic it is that I even got to where I am today. If I went and asked myself four years ago where I would be today from who my friends would be, where I'd be finacially, what my serious relationships would be like, and what my distant future would hold, it would have even been close to where I've ended up now. My past self would have thought I was crazy if I told him about my life today. Thats funny to me. People think they have so much control over thier lives and they think they have what they want out of life figured out until they die but in reality we have no clue. We're gonna end up where we're supposed to be and I think its about time I sat back and enjoyed the ride and the little things that make it so fun like that golden time before sunset where the world is beautiful and calm or a friend like Courtney that you can go see a stupid movie with on a slow Tuesday night and have a great time anyway. I spent a lot of time worrying over this last week and I think I'm ready to let it go and just embrace where I'm headed.

Its What I Love About Sunday

- Its a new week. And thank God. Post surgery almost killed me. I was bored out of my mind and all the things that I used to do to keep myself busy when I was alone before college just didn't cut it. I just sat around on my butt for a couple of days counting down the time untill Brittany and Britt visited. It was so amazing to see them. They brought me Jello and icecream sandwiches and we just hung out and laughed like we did when we were still dorm mates. Brittany even had the guts to stay till 1:30 when she had to work at 7 the next morning and had over an hour drive to get back home. There's not many more ways to make a person feel really loved than to sacrifice that much sleep and gas just to hang out. I can't wait to see them again this comming Friday.

- This week is for sure going to be better. Its already better and its only Sunday. I saw Court, Michaela, Tyler, Jenny, and Jon this morning and now I'm in charge of setting up some hang out time with ever one this week. I volunteered because I think I need practice at doing it but man its going to be tough with Courtney working weekends, Michaela working nights, and Jenny and Tyler working everything else in between but it'll be worth it. I had a little bit of guy time too with Cliff, Tyler, Shaun, Austin, and Jon playing basketball. And me, Cliff, and Tyler are going to the driving range tomorrow and my surgery is going to fit somewhere inside of all this mess. It feels good to have a social life again. I miss college and hanging out on my 20 dollar couch playing Super Nintendo or going to Durrell or basketball games and just the concept of always having something to do.

- Its ok though. Home has things college doesn't. Like my car. My beautiful car blasting music over my beautiful CD player on a beautiful day with the windows down. Its what life is all about.

No Swelling is Good Swelling

- Surgury 1 is done. All I remember was sitting in the chair and not being able to help but to think of the heroin addict in Requim for a Dream while they were wrapping my arm for the IV needle followed by me waking up and stumbling into the car with a mouth full of gauze and an abnoxiously numb face. My lower lip and chin is still numb but I'm not as worried as I was earlier about them breaking my facial nerve because I can finally feel my tounge again and I figure thats a good sign. Theres no pain yet and that makes me happy. I was expecting the worse from all the experience I've had having teeth taken out but I never used my wisdom teeth anyway so the adjustment for this won't be as bad as what I'm used to. My only real complaint is that now I'm bored out of my mind. Cliff called earlier but I couldn't move my face to talk to him so now I'm stuck on my butt watching Deal or No Deal and whatever else can fill the void in my evening before I go to bed. Tomorrow looks like it doesn't have to much to offer either but thats ok. I've got a couple more days of this then my surgery next week. It'll be good to be done. Then all I've got to worry about is how on earth I'm gonna make enough money to pay back the hundreds I owe my dad. Stupid summer. Oh well, I'm gonna go play Trouble with my Jenna.

A Little Security

- The summer quickly turned around this weekend. I underestimated how much I would enjoy seeing everybody again. I went job searching Friday and Saturday and really just made myself miserable in my boredome with my negativitiy. And then I got a hold of Jenny and we got Tyler, Courtney, and Austin together for some free bowling. Yes 3 games apiece plus shoes and we could have played more if it wasn't past midnight and if Tyler and Courtney hadn't spent the night before at the Skye house. It was amazing. I came home with a smile plastered on my face. And I saw them again this morning plus Michaela and Jon. I've got plans to hang out with Cliff, Jared and Jon Harris soon and Jordan gets back early June. It feels like the summer of my senior year all over again with my days of basketball and Water World and good times. I still really miss my friends at CSU but it looks like I'm at least going to see them a little bit this summer. I'm going to the Rockies game tomorrow with Jeff and Kim and this Friday Britt and Brittany are comming to visit and I can hardly wait. Its tough from seeing them everyday to not at all. Thank God for AIM.

- Things are looking good on the job front to. I talked to Mrs. Schroyer and Mrs. Theman this morning and lucky they both love me and are willing to give me a job even though they've already got Mrs. Taylor, Michaela, Courtney, and Tyler jobs.

- Wisdom teeth consultation tomorrow and hernia surgury next Monday. Its ok. That'll take care of itself.

Silence

- I'm home now and I'm realizing that I need to brace myself for a long summer. I slept until one a clock this afternoon for no better reason than that I could and that fact depressess me. I think that when I get back to hanging out with Cliff and the boys and doing the old things with the old friends, then I'll finally realize that its summer and not just a winter break where I'd be heading back up to 24 hour a day stimulation after a bit of boredom. All my family is either at work, at the gym, or at school right now and the quiet in my house is deafening. Its going to take some time again to adjust to the waves of chaos followed by the waves of intense silence. Well, I should go shower and get ready to start job hunting. Here comes the summer.

I Hate Boxes

- I'm sitting in my dorm room which is now mostly shelled up in boxes watching the Rockies game while I'm waiting for my last final at 6 tonight. Theres a lot on my mind from worrying about my cracked window, how I'm going to get my couch back to Denver, how I'm going to do on my last final, what I'm going to do for work this summer, and how much I'm going to miss certain people here over the summer. We say we're going to hang out but in reality I know its going to be really tough. By this time tomorrow most of my problems will probably be resolved but right now I'm fighting off mixed feelings of excitement about going home and anxiety about leaving. It sucks. And all this beautiful weather and green grass makes me that much more upset about leaving. Next year is going to be fun and this summer isn't going to be that bad. I just gotta keep telling myself that.

I'm Gonna Miss my Mountain View

- Like usual, things are smoothing out. I'm feeling less afraid of my summer and I can actually look a little bit ahead of the end of the school year to find things to get excited about. There's a good deal of mindless drama as of late on the floor but I'm doing a pretty good job of staying out of it and I figure other peoples interpersonal relationships aren't my problem anyway and I'll be better off if I just stay back and let things work out. Its nothing to really get concerned about because its only a select few that are fueling the fire and I expect the summer to smooth out and fix any tensions that are making things uncomforatable around here.

- My last Friday of the school year was one to remember. We all went rockclimbing at the local gym, my second time ever, and it was a blast. I hope to go more often next year and maybe over the summer at the gyms in Denver. After that we just came back and hung out. I watched a show on the top 50 sports blowups with Jeff and when that was over me and Brittany watched the second half of my favorite movie of all time, Oh Brother Where Art Thou, while playing Speedy Gonzales on the top TV for what must have been the longest time. I'm really going to miss these two over the summer. I never feel on edge around them and I could spend hours just hanging out and talking and laughing like we always do. I'm glad I'm living with Jeff and Adam next year and I really hope Brittany and Britt can make it over to our house a lot cause otherwise I'm going to have a really lonely year next year.

- We've got the dorm floor barbeque today, intermural flag football championships tomorrow, and then comes final week and Thursday when everything is over. And then the summer...

That Feeling that Moves through your Fingertips

- The school year is comming to a rocky end. Its nothing like what I expected. I'm really insecure about how things are going to go down over this last week and what its going to be like to leave. I'm afraid and fascinated by the prospect of change. It feels like its being force fed down our throats but I know its not. I wonder what next year's gonna be like and if its going to be a change for the better. I wonder how my job situation is going to work out this summer. I wonder how lonely I'm going to be stuck at home after my wisdom teeth and abdominal surgery. I wonder if I'm going to be able to pass my classes this semester with good grades. There's a little bit of me thats anxious, a little bit of me thats frustrated, a little bit of me that's excited, and little bit of me thats curious what things would be like if I changed them just a little bit and little bit of me that doesn't want to give up what I have now because its better than anything I've ever had before.

- This week is a crossroads of emotions but I have confidence that things will work out for the very best and that if they don't, I'll be able to handle it. Summer, here I come.

The Last Week of Finals

- The end of the school year is winding down and while I'm starting to look forward to the summer, I'm also trying to savor every last second of what has turned out to be an incredible freshman year in college. These are truely the best times of your life and I don't want to take any of it for granted. I'm gonna miss these people I've grown so close to up here, some more than others, and with my new found confidence in my ability to get fun things going I feel like I am going to see them over the summer, maybe not as much as I'd luck but enough so that we don't forget about each other. I can't wait to see my high school friends again either. I think that unlike most groups of high school friends, being so far apart will have drawn us closer together and make us appreciate the time we get to hang out that much more. I think we'll all have changed but just thinking back over the times we've shared and how over the course of our friendship we changed more than I can imagine, I've come to think its something we can handle.

- The beautiful weather is doing wonders for my moods and I feel ready and able to take on whatever is thrown at me. Thats a great place to be.