Not Part of the Plan

- As July ends my summer ends. My job kind of caught me off guard by taking me completely off the next schedual along with my other coworkers that are leaving for school. I was really expecting to work at least halfway into August and its kinda insulting that they more or less are just kicking us to the curb when they're finished with us. So, if its true that I don't have anymore shifts at all, then yesterday was my last day. It was a pretty rough last day to.

- And on top of that, I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to go on the road trip to Texas either. If I could afford it I'd go in an instant but I really am not sure if I can. My mom said that my parents might be willing to front me 50 bucks to help cover the costs but that still leaves about a hundred or so in expected expenses that I'm not sure I have. I really wish I could go so my summer has at least a little excitement but thats life.

- It was kinda wierd when I came home and was talking to my mom about my job. When I told her, she said, "Well, you probably didn't want to work anyway so you can leave for Fort Collins earlier." Her delivery and shortness to it kinda caught me off guard and I'm not gonna lie, it hurt. She made it sound like I was just ready to move out cause living with my family was miserable. My eagerness to go back to college isn't from a desire to get away from my family. I love my family. We have our spats now and then like all families do but when I leave I miss them.

- Oh well. Its gonna be a wierd August. I'm not sure what I'm gonna do be it moving up early or finding some other creative way to make some money. Its all kinda stressful. We'll see.

18:20:41 and Counting

- I'm doing well. Work is winding down and I'm going to be cutting it close money wise. Taxes are really leaving me out to dry. If it wasn't for them I'd even have a little to spare going into next semester, but really I'm just thankful that I can back the meat of what I owe. I'll have to come down to aerate lawns in the fall to get the money for my deposit but thats alright. I've worked hard this summer as much as I could to make what I've earned and the easy money with aerating will be a breath of fresh air. What other job can I make 200 dollars working four hours over a weekend? I'll have to get my dad to help me with advertising and setting up the jobs since I'm not gonna be local so hopefully he'll be willing to help me out with that. I'll try and kick back some his way to since really, without him, it wouldn't be an option for me.

- I'm about 80% after surgery and it feels great. I hope it won't be to long till I'm back to normal. I drove up to Ponderosa with Jessie on Tuesday all I really wanted to do was play basketball and it took everything in me to resist. I probably would have been in there and playing and hurting myself if it wasn't for the fact that Tyler was there to keep me company on the sidelines since hes out with his foot injury.

- I'm just a couple days out from August first when I plan on visiting Fort Collins to pick up the keys to the house! I can't wait. I'm gonna move as much little stuff as the Camry will hold and that night is Britt's birthday get-together where I'll get to see a bunch of my college friends for the first time all summer. Depending on my families demands on the car and if I have to work on the second, I might even just spend the night up there and drive down in the morning. It'll give me a little taste of what I have to look foward to this comming semester.

- I'm excited. It feels like they're making the sequal to my favorite movie and my curiosity for whats in store is intense.

Good Things and Bad Things

- I feel like a kid sitting in the last class of the day watching the clock with his head on his desk, arms dangling at his side. Its not the last couple seconds; really its more that awkward time where the waiting has been going on for awhile but the end isn't really in plain sight. I watch every second tick by and I'm unable to look away, even though that's whats best. I'll drive myself crazy before I can find the strength to do whats best for me and only every now and then do I catch myself myself doing it. I must look like an idiot to people once they really get to know me. Thats the stupid part of my personality I try real hard to hide from people. I get itches that I have to scratch and no matter how much I convince myself I'm above it, I'll fall back into the same old traps. Its nothing major I guess. I'm not saving myself anything more than another 24 hours of back of my mind anxiety but man, it'd be nice to not to have that. I guess its life though.

- I'm gonna be making a lot of decisions this coming year. I don't feel ready but there's a bit of me that knows everything is gonna be ok. I feel like I'm wasting some of the prime time in my life and I hope get things figured out pretty soon.

OU Still Sucks

- Norman, Oklahoma. Day 2, Base Camp: La Quinta

- So. I've decided Norman is hell. Not just because I have to endure OU flag after OU flag, but also cause it was 108 all day. What on earth made my aunt move here? A Longhorn grad and supposedly sane lady. I've got my doubts.

- The family reunion is going ok. Today went by really fast thanks to a trip back to the hotel for a nap. We had plans for a minor league baseball game at night which I was really dreading thanks to the heat but luckily, a storm blew in and pulled the temperature in the evening down to the mid ninties, so at least it was managable. I forgot how many flies there are in Oklahoma. Brought back memories of when I was a kid living in Enid, OK whacking the bush full of horseflies in front of our house with a tenis racket. Man, I was a stupid kid.

- Talked to Jeff some today. I'm really looking foward to living with him and Adam next year. Everytime I think about it I feel like a kid waiting for Christmas morning. I love the fall and I miss it. I'm real glad I found such great guys for roommates. We're gonna have some fun next year.

- In other news I took off the bandage and showered today. Its gonna be a nasty 2 and a half inch scar. A lot bigger than I expected. Cool. Not really one that I can show people though. Or maybe I will. I'll definantly catch a lot of people off guard doing that.

- Goodnight.

Hardy Party 06'

- I give up. At least for now. Its not happening anytime soon and I can only make things worse by forcing it. Its dissapointing and not what I imagined happening but I'm not destroyed. I'll find a new rut to fall into before too long I'm sure and the future isn't a definite never, (there's about as many vaugities in it as there are in this post) but until then I gotta realize maybe its time I take a step back, a big step back and examine some of the other opportunities in front and ahead of me. I'm not used to this kinda frustration and its hard to not take it personal and my reactions gonna prove just how grown up I really am.

- Enough of the angry vauge opening. I don't even really know what I'm talking about. Just letting out a little steam.

- Surgery was yesterday. I probably should have been a little more negative going into it and a little less eager for the little bit of hell I'd go through the rest of the day. Everything went ok or so I'm told. It doesn't feel like I'm fixed but the doctor told my mom that was expected. I didn't take well to the anestetic and spent the rest of the day immobile on the couch helpless and, honestly, pathetic. I felt like a weeny having my mom and rest of family do simple tasks for me but when I stood up to help my mom pack my suitcase for the reunion, I felt worse and worse and bam, lost my lunch. I'll take any amount of soreness and swelling to not have to feel nausea but intense, sweat inducing nausea is what I got. The rest of the night pretty much followed suit until I hit a point of a solid minute of dry heaving after having nothing left to give the porcelean god before collapsing in my bed in a miserserable sweat.

- No real time for recovery either. 6 in the morning meant a 12 hour car ride through Kansas to Norman, Oklahoma for a family reunion. The nausea's mostly receded but moving around is still a bit tricky. Again, I hate looking like a whiner and I'm embarassed when I have to ask for my Ipod thats a couple inches in front of my hand cause I can't lean foward, but I've got hopes that its gonna be a quick downhill from here.

- The family reunion's gonna be alright. There's not really a lot of company my age and I feel I'm gonna be creating a good deal of my own fun but I've still got a lot of pride in my family. I saw the Hardy family crest today and couldn't help swelling up a bit. These people mean a lot to me. They're the reason why I'm such an avid Longhorn fan and anyone that knows me knows how crazy I can get about my Texas. Well, this part of my family is part of what I'm really cheering for all those Saturday's in the Fall.

- Well, I left my contacts in the car and at the rate I move I better get down there and get them soon so that if I don't make it, my family won't all be to asleep to come peel my weak butt off the sidewalk.

Friends and Music

- Its been a great last couple of days.

- Courtney's last day in Colorado was Monday so, by some miracle, I got Stephen, John, Jana, Jenny B, and Courtney together for some quality fun time. It was an odd group of people in that it was kinda a mixing of several different friends groups that all knew each other. Even so, it was a good mix because it was a good time. Lots of laughs and best of all, it was free. Except the Chipotle. That was worth it though. I need a relapse before I go another couple months of staying Chipotle clean cause I can't afford it.

- After that me, John, and Courtney hopped in Jenny Dull's truck for a trip up to Ponderosa. It was good quality time and I felt like we got a good last C-Train in before she takes off the other side of the country for another year. It was also a lot of fun hanging out with John all day. I keep forgetting that he moved into an apartment in A-Town and that we can hang out with him now with out somebody having to drive 40 miles. We made a point to call each other next time we're not busy and I actually think that we mean it. Not just the typical "Yeah we should hang out" and then never do type of thing.

- Today was great too. I got a phone call from the doctor telling us that they put my surgery back on tomorrow. Probably cause they heard me yelling in the background when my dad told me they reschedualed it. Whatever the reason I'm glad. Its a big relief.

- Tonight, me and Britt headed to Denver to see So They Say play at the Marquis. Well, we get there and it turns out for whatever reason So They Say canceled which kinda put a damper on the things cause it was the only of the four bands I had heard of. But the show was only 8 bucks and we had good feelings about some of the other bands that were playing so we stayed and wow I'm glad we did. Madina Lake was great, definantly sold me to whenever they tour in Colorado again, and Race the Sun had so much energy despite there only being a few die hard fans staying to see them as the last band. It was fun and I'm glad I've got Britt there to drag along to see bands she doesn't really know even when those bands don't show up.

- Surgery tomorrow. Hope it goes well. Its long overdue. I'll be excited to have it done because the sucker has made its presence known over the last couple months and it'll be great to not have it holding me back anymore.

Whaaattt?

- I really enjoy my job. I enjoy my bosses, I enjoy what I do there, I enjoy my coworkers, I don't enjoy the pay but a little cut in pay is worth not hating work. My money situation is looking a little more promising. I'm still waiting on my paycheck to let me know if I have anything to worry about or not but the fact that its taking awhile for me to get it is probably for the best. The more broke I think I am, the less likely I will to spend on things I shouldn't.

- Less than a month to move in. I can't wait. Talking to Bri tonight about how much she loves living up in her apartment in FoCo got me even a little bit more excited.

- Going on the roadtrip early August is looking hopeful now. There are solid dates, the 4th-8th and I'll be able to get them off of work. Its all a financial matter now. Man, it'd be amazing to ride the Texas Giant at Six Flags over Texas, the ride that I couldn't get myself to stomach as a kid and to spend that road time with Austin, Tyler, Jon, and whoever else ends up going. Oh man, theres nothing I could do to hype it up too much. It couldn't possibily disapoint unless I made an effort to have a bad time.

- I got a voicemail today which blew me out of the water. It might make my last couple weeks at work really really akward if I'm not careful.

- Fun stuff tomorrow and Tuesday. Surgery Wednesday. Family reunion after that.

- Wow this post really lost steam. Maybe another time.

The Path: A Bigger Meaning

- Well, I feel change coming soon.

One more chance I'd never would react like this.
One more time could be time enough to think about it.
And one last straw could be strong enough to make this work or throw away everything.

It's time that I go; I can sleep on the road,
it wont be soft but it will be on my own.
I'm sure that last time I couldn't have been wrong,
besides I’m not good with saying sorry.

- I've never done well with change. Its usually nice once it gets there but getting there is a whole second story. I've gotten real near sighted recently and every time I try to look big picture I get real negative about it. I've got a lot of good comming to me but first I gotta understand I can't have it all, all the time. And then I need to cheer up. This is no way to live. I'll find my place in the sun, I guarantee it. I'll find my way back even if it takes hitting my breaking point to get me there. I can be so uncomforatably stubborn sometimes.

- Note to self. Live a little more real. That's were the life is. God knows what he's doing and there's hope in that.

- One more lyric to send you off.

So forget the plans you had for life,
It's time to learn it's time for people to try to look at things for what they are.
And not the best story line.

Music

- Good Music makes me happy.

- I. Love. New. Albums. Especially from bands I already love. It feels just like somebody took your favorite movie and made it longer. Fantastic. And more often than not the new CD's are great. There are the exceptions like the Used's newest CD that was just ok, but a new album is something worth getting excited about and thats a good feeling. I really like where music is going these days. The in trends tend to cater to my tastes.

- My current thoughts will be best displayed in bullet form so here you go:

- I bought (yeah bought, not downloaded) the Early November's new triple CD today and I've fallen in love with them all over again. Thier entire third of the CD set is a story and the moral at the end sent chills down my spine it was so good. Just kinda one of those wow things. They've changed thier style a bit but its good. I like it. They really have a strong connection to memories of mine and this new album feels like they're moving along in my life with me.
- AFI's new CD is amazing. I think I like it more than Sing the Sorrow. I looked again and learned that both The Early November and AFI are gonna be at Warped Tour and it almost makes me upset I'm not gonna be here to fork out the 2o some bucks it was gonna cost.
- Taking Back Sundays new CD is spectacular. They've been making it real big recently and I'm glad. Its nice to see some really good music make the radio and mass culture.
- The Format's new CD came out today and I was gonna buy it but I couldn't find it so I'll just have to wait. After giving thier myspace songs a second chance I've decided its not so bad.
- Dashboard's new CD is ok. He gets whinier ever album and for some odd reason, even more popular. I like the hit on the album, Don't Wait. I think everyone does though. It was marketed so hard that if it wasn't a success than somebody would be ruined.
- Death Cab is overrated. Good but not amazing. There are better bands that should be more famous.
- Spill Canvas still does it for me. I heard one of their songs in the background of an MTV show today and I don't know how I feel about that. I'm almost glad Spill Canvas isn't playing the Denver date of Warped Tour cause then I'd have no choice but to completly rearange my summer to go.

- Atmosphere makes me feel gansta. Kinda lame since hes half white.

- I still like Jazz. A lot. It does good things for me. I learned this when I was sick of the few CD's I have in the car on the way to work and put it on KUVO and fell right back into the grove. I can really appreciate the art aspect of the music that extends beyond catchiness and into the soul.

- Copeland has also made me feel good recently. Girly I know, but its good.
- Idiot Pilot is my new flavor of the month. Kinda wierd and if you don't like screaming than its not for you. I like it a lot though.
- I almost bought the John Mayer Try! cd today to but responsibility got the best of me I let it go. 15 effin dollars and most of the songs I already had.
- Matchbook Romance never gets old for me now. I like Voices more every time I listen to it. Kinda wierd since I wasn't crazy about them the first time I heard it.

- Those are scattered thoughts from music that I've been messing with recently. Ahh. Afternoon well spent.

Come to My Door

- I'm in such a terrible need for a change of scenery. Things aren't even to bad right now. Besides my minor complaints about my job, that's going well. I complain about not seeing as much of my friends recently, but most of that is on me (and a little is on work). Really, if I just make a slight effort I could be as busy as I was a couple weeks ago, yet all along I know I won't. Family life is as good as it has ever been this summer ever since we got the gas issue resolved. Still I need to get away. Not even necessarily to Fort Collins/moving out. I hate the routine I've worked myself into this summer, but I hate it even more because it doesn't belong to me. Everything I do, every relationship I've made, anything I establish will be gone or at least altered once the summer is over and that keeps me from investing myself 100 percent into anything. Especially when it comes to people. Everything from old friends I rediscover, to good friends I bond closer with, to new friends I make; I put a little something in there that kinda puts things on hold until I have a life that's mine again. Its terrible for me because even though I have my homebody tendancies, I am a very social person. I thrive on others more than any person should and this pattern is tough for me. I'm not sure how to handle it and my insecurities thrive on this limbo of present and future.

- Its just one of those downer weeks and I'll snap out of it sooner or later. Its the blah times that make the good times so sweet but it doesn't make the blah times any more fun. I'm just fighting so many different desires and fears, ironically more than last summer and these things typically tend to work themselves out. I need to relearn a little self sufficiency for the next couple weeks and in the end I'll be fine.

Warning: Whiny Rant

- I'm tired of closing/working night shifts. I know I'm a beggar when it comes to getting hours and I can't be a chooser at the same time but I think I'm a mighty good employee and tonight wasn't the first night that I've saved the store from meltdown when we hit a mega rush and I think I deserve a little more balance in my shifts. Tonight they called me so I came into work when they were 2 men down and I completely caught up back of house while at the same time expediting/helping the kitchen out of the mess they had worked themselves into. I took customer wait time from almost 20 mins to less than five while balancing dish responsibilities and restocking prep items. All on my day off. If I'm this dedicated to a job that pays me chicken scratch, I think the least they can do is offer me reasonable hours meaning I don't have 4 shifts a week, many of them 3 hours long during the night so I get home at that awkward time where doing anything social is out of the question yet I'm not ready to go to bed. I just hate how the way my schedual works out so that I have a ton of time for sitting around and doing nothing where I wish I was making money working yet the times when I should be off and having a blast are the times I'm schedualed to work. And the lack of wiggle room with my work schedual makes things that much more difficult.

- That's my work related vent.

- Otherwise life is ok. Not great. If this was like last summer I'd be in Canada right now living it up with good friends. I know I talk about how I'm having to show a little responsibility instead and that its not all a bad thing but I just have a hard time letting this one go. In reality, its just cause I don't want to cause I'm a big baby. I miss my friends. All of them. CSU friends, home friends, highschool friends, the Brittany's. Its lonely and I don't handle loneliness well.

- Well, if there's one plus side to this job situation its that I get more than enough sleep at night and thats something I'm really looking forward to right now.

Fireworks. A Metaphor Waiting to Happen.

- Here I am again, half an hour to kill. I've had a good, though fairly expensive last couple of days. The Rockies game with Jeff and friends yesterday was a lot of fun. There's a couple real good storys from that including spit and a Fox Sports anchor. (unrealated stories). Fourth of July with the Ingrams and the fam was a good time too. Its a good feeling looking around the table after a couple hours of cards, food, and nearly crying from laughter and knowing that this is my family (and the Ingrams who I'll always consider my extended family) and they always will be there when even the best of friends will probably sooner or later part ways. We go through rough patches as families usually do but when I take a step back and look at what I've got there's not a lot to complain about.

- The typical stresses are still there but I'm starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I'm actually excited for my surgery and the family reunion right after it even though I'll be missing some important days of work cause a change of scenery will help the summer go by a bit faster and its also something to throw a little niche in my exhausting routine of stressing myself out. For example, I'm stressed right now and I shouldn't be. I don't need to be worried but its what I'm what I've done all summer and its a hard habit to break. Besides that, we're gonna be driving on this reunion trip and I really enjoy road trips, even ones with my family. That's why I'm still holding onto a trace of hope that I'll be able to go on the trip early August since I'm missing the MT to Calgary. It'll be just like old times and I've heard rumors about maybe even hitting up 6 Flags Over Texas. The very thought of riding the Texas Giant again excites me. We'll see. I may be only dreaming but its these little hopes and dreams of little things that keeps me going and uplifted.

- Happy Fourth of July. One of my favorite things about the holiday is how scared my dog gets. What a wus. I've never seen her so eager to sit in the chair with me. There's something about the little pops and fizzes that drives her crazy. I feel song lyrics brewing. I better get writing while the inspiration's still fresh. Happy Birthday America.

- So thats all. Go away headache. I don't need you.

Serious Pictures

- "Its only a fool that looks for logic in the chambers of the human heart." - Everett from Oh Brother Where art Thou

- Yet another gem from my favorite movie of all time. And its true. I don't get why I have to make things so difficult when its really so simple. I've got excuses, but they suck. I can't just wait this one out but I'm going to anyway, at least for a couple more weeks. And the wierdest part, is I love it all. I love the insecurities and fear. The ups and downs. The moments of joy and the moments of depression. None of it makes sense. Its so beautiful that it doesn't have to.